Interest
I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.
Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.
Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.
midnightdemons7 