Maybe If…

Stages of grief:
Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

I’m wondering if going through the stages of grief will help my mental state at all? I have been in denial for so long I don’t know if I can really go through it. But I know it will be an interesting topic for my therapist, if I ever show her my writings, and she actually reads them.

I’m reading Noonday Demon and it is reminding me that depression is a passing illness. What you feel today, you won’t feel tomorrow. I find this true and had forgotten it. Some can also be said of the suicidal mind.

I have been trying to make the reaction to suicide paper onger but it is difficult. I think I got to just rearrange the paragraphs so that it will be easier to write.

Maybe by starting out saying I am a multi-attempter who does feel like I am not glad to be alive yet I’m still here. Yet according to research, I should be dead. I wonder why I am stil here after so many failed attempts. I think most likely it is because I have lost confidence in my ability to end my life. It’s almost like a “why bother” reaction. I still don’t have the energy to go ahead with my plans and even though I thought it would be “easy” to hang myself off my porch, I have found that the stairs would be in the way. Another reason I’m still around. I should have done this months ago but I was too afraid of getting caught. And usually I wanted to kill myself after work on a Saturday night, where I know I most likely will not be found till Monday at some point. I had the perfect place picked out that was very secluded.

I guess I am a coward for not going ahead with the plans. And it sucks now that I have to live with this. I can’t die and I am not living. How to keep going, that is the problem and it makes me so sad.

I saw my PCP yesterday and to him I appeared cheerful. How I deceive people. I am so used to hiding what I feel to people, I guess I still have the knack of deception. The day before I was in the throws of horrendous pain and yesterday I am cheerful. Funny, I didn’t feel cheerful. My head was filled with suicidal thoughts so how can I be cheerful? I guess the most depressed is the most well hidden. I have always been able to hide my pain. Even as he was poking around my injured foot. I don’t know if he realizes the struggle I go through every day I am still here. No one does. Maybe I should look into other methods of self-destruction but I doubt I can go through with it so what is the point of thinking of another plan?

I often wonder what would happen in the aftermath of my death. Would I be missed? I often write a suicide note saying no one is to blame. The only person to really blame is myself. IF I had only done things differently-what I am not sure- Maybe I wouldn’t want to end my life. I just know that writing about it is the only escape I have left to me. Now wanted to hear about how suicidal I am anymore. I am sure my therapist would rejoice if I never mentioned suicide again in my sessions. Maybe if I don’t be so ope with them they will go away. This is something I have contemplated for a while now. But the fricken nitwit assesses my psychache most sessions so I cannot lie or betray her confidence in me that I will tell her my thoughts about killing myself. If I say no I have no thoughts I doubt she will believe me anyways. Every day for the past several years I’ve thought about ending my life. Some days I think about it more than others. Sometimes pain dictates the severity of killing myself and the need to escape from it. That is all I desire -> an escape from conscious or in a sleep state. Escape is the biggest reason for suicide. Escae from intolerable feelings of distress one constantly feels. In my case, I want to escape from the pain of living, emotionally and physically. It’s gotten to the point I can no longer distinguish between the two when taking a psychological pain scale assessment. I just wish the pain would stop. No one can find a way to relieve it. Icing/elevating/resting for the past year has not helped. It is very debilitating to be in pain yet it not be relieved but ordinary measures. And the worst part is being flip-flopped to other doctors. It’s the merry-go-round of health care. This doctor says it’s this, that doctor refers you to another doctor who refers you to yet another doctor and the answers are the same. Nothing is wrong with you that they can fix so it has to be coming from the back but even the neurosurgeon says there is nothing wrong. So why bother going to all these doctors anymore. While visiting my primary, he wanted me to go back to my physiatrist (doctor that specializes in muscles and joints). I am DONE seeing specialists. And besides this doctor moved her office to another site that I can’t get to. I don’t believe there is public transportation to her new office. I really liked this doctor too. She has been the most straight forward of all the other numbskulls I have seen. And besides, I know she is just going to say I have tendonitis. A tendonitis that flares up unexpectedly at times when I am at rest. Makes no sense. But then she’ll go back to the diagnosis of CRPS and I’ll be sent off back to my primary for pain management. And so the flip-flop goes.

Yesterday, I had some weird symptoms that I believe are from the anti-psychotic that I take to control my voices. It was liking I was having Parkinson’s symptoms. When I came home last night it wasn’t so bad, I didn’t take my regular dose and took some Ativan to calm me down as it was making me anxious. I emailed my pdoc to let her know and I still have not heard back from her. I see her on Friday anyways and other than me skipping and lowering my dose, there is nothing more that she can do. The only thing that sucks after this is that my hands feel fatigued.

I had a good night last night as I went out to dinner with some friends. Again the FB status that I posted came back to haunt me. That really pissed me off. I don’t understand why people take things so seriously and then can’t let it go. Isn’t it obvious I was having a bad night and couldn’t you just say you were sorry I having a rough time? But no…the part about me saying that no one cares is the foremost thing that should be talked about. This is what I posted “Everyone turn a blind eye to the pain I experience every day. So be it. When they ask for something I will just tell them no I can’t do it because of pain. Maybe then they will get the message. I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” I don’t think I offended anyone or singled out any one person but apparently, I was not supposed to feel this way and post this. FUCK YOU, I will post what I want to post. Just like I will post whatever I feel with my blogs. The sad part is that a couple of close friends reacted to the status. Not one family member did. Shows you that you don’t have to be a blood relative to care.