Been in a terrible mood today. I am glad my therapist doesn’t get all pissy and aggravated with me when I tell her that I am having a bad day and go away. Actually the more I tell her to go away, the more she sticks around and wants more sessions. I am glad today is that last of it and she didn’t volunteer to be seen tomorrow. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Already saw her twice this week and today I barely got by. I just am in a deep rut and though therapy usually helps, it sometimes make things worse when all you want to do is put the covers over your head.
I went out today. I walked a lot too. I know I am probably going to pay for it but I don’t care. I wanted a roast beef sandwich from Kelly’s and seeing as I am carless, I had no choice but to walk. I thought about taking a cab but I didn’t feel like paying $20 or more for the ride.
In therapy we talked about my manuscript. I don’t know when that got to be part of the therapeutic conversation. I just look at the binder I have it in and want to trash it or burn it. It just seems like a daunting task to me to edit this monster of pages. A fellow blogger has offered to read it but I don’t know if I am ready for anybody to read it except me, though I have no intentions to right now. I have to move stuff around and add some stuff. I think I am going to add a few blogs here and there as chapters. I know my Knackered blog is going in as a chapter. I did a stat summary and it is my most popular blog, with over 700 views alone. I also think that I am going to have the blog post the other night as a chapter, though I think I will delete the part of killing myself. I just don’t get how this book is going to be helpful to people when I am just telling them my darkest thoughts. It’s not a hopeful book, other than I wrote it and I am still struggling with these thoughts. I know my blog helps some people, and I wish they would comment or something. Hitting “like” is just not a real good indicator. Do they like the fact that I am telling people I have thoughts of death or do they understand the struggle or are they just sick and get off with me feeling this way? I never know. Some fellow bloggers or strangers do leave good comments but they are far and few in between. It’s not like I am looking for comments on all my work, but a few now and then would help. I guess you can say that I have the need for affiliation.
I am really tired and don’t know if I will be able to watch the game tonight. I asked my sister if I could borrow the car tonight to drop off my baby at FedEx. My shoulders were hurting me today otherwise I would have dragged the package with me as I was near there today. I think I slept wrong but don’t understand why BOTH shoulders are hurting. I know my neck muscles are wicked tight and not matter how much I stretch I can’t get the kinks out. I am rooting for two teams tonight, Indians and of course my Sox. The Indians need a win tonight because then the Snankees will be eliminated from playoff contention. If the Sox win, which I hope they will, they will have home field advantage. Unfortunately, they lost last night so they will not have 100 wins this season. I am kind of upset by this. I was so sure they were going to have the 100 mark. But I will take 98. The last three games are going to be tough because we are playing the Orioles. They are also in the playoff berth. The ALDS is going to be interesting!!
midnightdemons7 