I had an appointment with my father today. It went well though we were waiting a very long time to be seen. I hate it when docs run late. Just want to walk out.
I was able to get an appointment with my therapist today. I have mixed feelings about it. But seeing as last night things kind of got crazy, I think it is for the best. I don’t know where this depression is going. I know I have been writing more about it lately and that is helping me but it also is worrying me that I might end up back in the hospital.
Since I am working with my old laptop, I have decided that I not going to work on my manuscript until the newer laptop is fixed. I don’t have the brain power to work on it anyways. I thought I would be able to do a little bit today but I just can’t. Things are just not making sense to me. And the notes that I wrote up on the previous copy I had, I can’t read my fricken notes. It is in my handwriting, but it’s so scribbled that I can’t read it. MAN, I hate that.
Last night in the morning hours I apparently dissociated when I wrote “Tell Tale Heart”. I am not sure what happened. Last thing I remember is writing the title and everything after that is lost. I think I went to bed afterwards because I remember my mother waking me up because she went downstairs around 0330. I emailed my pdoc about it. Have not heard from her nor do I expect to. She can’t really do anything for me. I talked to my therapist about it because I totally had no recollection of writing this blog. Not even reading it over do I remember it. It is dark and something Mr. Hyde would write, my alter. I am kind of upset by this. I am going to bed early tonight. There is no baseball game that I really want to see as the Sox are off. I am feeling strangely disconnected. Maybe it is because I am tired. I don’t know. I am not in a lot of pain today even though I ran around taking my father to his doctor’s appointment. The coffee I drank did nothing to really wake me up. All noises annoyed me. I just wanted to be back home and in bed. Maybe tomorrow I will just hang out in bed and sleep all day as I have decided to put the manuscript off, for now.
My therapist thinks I am also dissociating with my pain as I am not really feeling it. But I think it is more compartmentalizing than actual dissociation. I don’t lose time like I do when I dissociate. I just put the pain off on the back burners. I have an extremely high pain tolerance so it takes me a while to get in touch with my pain. But if it is being a brat, then I am in trouble and can’t put it in a box so to speak. But me writing that blog…that was pure madness. I was seriously suicidal. It is a good thing I don’t act on it. I had to check my pill counts to make sure I didn’t take more than I thought I did, and I didn’t. I have no new cuts on me or other evidence of self-harm. I just have this blog that got written while I was sleep deprived and no memory of having written it. My therapist liked it. It described accurately how I was feeling at that moment in time. I am just sorry that I worried a friend.
midnightdemons7 