It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.
I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…
OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.
I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.
I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.
midnightdemons7 