Is suicide ever justifiable?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Is suicide ever justifiable?

I read an article about this today and it has me thinking. Would my suicide be justifiable? I am living in chronic physical pain every day that is sometimes helped by opioid medication but yet is not at times. I suffer from depression but no anti-depressant seems to help me. I am on a mood stabilizer that helps with the ups and downs but doesn’t help with the lows that I get. So would my death be justifiable because I have exhausted every available method of treatment for both conditions? I think I have. I think it is time that suicide should be given more thought. It isn’t wrong. It isn’t selfish. Sure there would be people that would miss me but if they know that I have tried everything and it all failed, I think they would rather have me dead than suffer. I cannot not go on suffering like this anymore. Everyday it is a battle. Which pain will cause me more suffering, mental or physical and lately physical has been winning. I am losing the battle and there is no one I can talk to about this. Even if there was someone to talk to about this, they wouldn’t understand. They would want me to try harder but I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting this losing battle I cannot win. So I have been making up my own rules. I have been dosing myself without regard to time tables. If I hurt I take something no matter the hour. But my mental pain is a whole another story.

This pain creeps on your and stays with you like a parasite. It grows on your fears and your doubts and your sorrow like no tomorrow. And nothing eases this hurt. I am frustrated by the psychiatric community that has not found a cure for this kind of ache. This all encompassing ache that is deep down in the soul and blacks out all the good in the world and in your heart. I was free from it at one point but it has recaptured me. Whether it is because the physical pain has gotten to be too much I do not know. I just know it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to be. And I don’t want to be anymore.

They say that if you are suicidal you are not in your right mind. That if you give yourself time, you will not think about it in a week or two. I have thought of killing myself for too long. I want this suffering to end. I am a lowly human being that deserves to die. I have done many things wrongs in my life. But I still feel that I am in my rational mind. In ancient times, if the citizen asked the government three times to die the wish was granted on the third attempt. Why can we have the same kind of rules now? I have asked my treaters if I should die and yet they want me to continue to live in this painful existence. If I was suffering from cancer, would that change their mind? No one is guaranteed a tomorrow. I am just asking that I be put to death to end my suffering because there is no cure for my ailments.

5 thoughts on “Is suicide ever justifiable?”

  2. No, I am not. To be honest, I’m not even depressed. It has been a long time since I have been.

    I simply try to bring myself back there for the purposes of writing, understanding, and helping others.

    But it took me about 10 years to get to where I am now, and it’s a place that I could never have felt or seen 10 years ago.

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  4. Matt,

    are you suicidal now? I only ask because you have already attempted and I can’t go back and change that. I wish I could. I am under a great deal of pressure. I know I will get out of the funk but it feels so far away right now. I hope that my blog helps you in some way.

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  5. OK Midnight Demon, this is a very real post and a serious question you pose. There is no cure. There is only learning to cope. But coping is a spectrum, and for some it’s not so great, and for others it can approach normal.

    And I’m not going to tell you that I know how you feel, even though I once attempted suicide. Actually this post sounds terribly painful in a way that I never felt, mostly because I had no physical component added.

    It would certainly seem justifiable if I were in your shoes. Once, I thought the same thing.

    But my answer is that you can’t do it, and it doesn’t matter how justifiable it feels now. I’m sure you feel totally justified in doing it given all of your pain.

    But that’s NOW. What about 5 or 10 years from now? Things could get better. It’s not a 1-2 week process, I’m sorry to say. You can’t see that far ahead, none of us can. In a decade, I could be back in your shoes and you could be in mine.

    I hope you’ll still be here, blogging, to write back to my future self and tell me not to kill myself.

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any thoughts?