Having a really hard time. Going through financial issues with my therapist because she got a new billing service and they have been harping on her for payment. I haven’t paid her in a long time since being disabled and the whole thing is stressing me out. So now I have to pay what I can pay her so her billing people aren’t harassing her. The whole stress of the matter, which I knew would happen one day, has caused the bad voices to come out and command me to do things, mostly to cut because I am a bad person. My therapist was telling me that this voice is wrong and full of shit. I wish she could hear them sometimes and maybe she would understand what I go through. It’s not easy telling them they are full of shit when they are screaming that you are nothing but a moron and an idiot all the time. Then I have another voice that is trying to get me to do the right thing and take care of myself and these other voices start harping on her. It’s very bad in my head right now and I feel so stressed about it. Every time I get a little stressed the voices come out. My therapist wants me to take some extra meds which I guess I will do tonight. And also to take my pain meds when I am feeling pain not hours later when it’s beyond control. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. Like I am being punished by this pain so just let it be but she said that is not how it is. I don’t know if I am making sense. I have been up since five and have not taken a nap. I am really tired and I am sick. I took a fall today and my knee is hurting. Everything is hurting. I wish the pain meds helped with the internal hurt but it doesn’t.
I have been having urges to cut since I cut last week I think it was. I don’t even remember. My therapist doesn’t want me to cut over the financial situation but I know that I will feel better if I cut. She said that she won’t. I gave her my word that I wouldn’t cut. I am also to keep texting her over the weekend to let her know how I am doing. She is worried right now because I am psychotic. And of course she brings up the hospital whenever I tell her about the voices. I sometimes hate bringing it up but I just let it happen and then I hate myself for bringing it up. She doesn’t understand what it is like living with them. These voices are mean and nasty. They watch everything that I do and criticize everything that I do. It could be the way I cut my chicken up or the way I go down the stairs. Sometimes they want me to take extra medication but I don’t do that. The only medication I will take extra of is Neurontin because I know the effect of this med. I did take extra Ativan the other night. I had to because all I wanted to do was sleep. I think I am going to take Neurontin with some trilafon tonight to ward off the voices. They don’t like the trilafon. That is the one med they don’t want me to take. But I need to because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital.
I emailed my PCP tonight. I told him that I don’t want to see anymore specialists. I just want adequate pain control and that is that. The nerve block didn’t work out and for three days I was in excruciating pain. It took two kinds of pain meds to bring my pain under control. I don’t want to go through that again. The pain was horrible. It brought me to a dark place, granted it didn’t take much to bring me there but still. I hated being there. And now I am thinking of ways of killing myself because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired of living a life in pain and if my PCP won’t acknowledge the fact that what we are doing is fine then I might as well kill myself now than go through hoops to get pain meds.
So I am psychotic, in a lot of physical pain, and am deeply depressed. Yup…I am FUBAR…fucked up beyond all rehabilitation.
midnightdemons7 
Reblogged this on Yarn and Despair and commented:
Life is suffering. I hope we all find some relief. Sometimes it takes everything a person has just to hold on.
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Please don’t kill yourself. I understand what it’s like to live life everyday in pain and it totally sucks, you are right. Getting the right pain medication is a bitch. I hate going to the ER when my pain is so out of control and being treated like a drug seeker. I’ve been to the psych ward 5 times. I’ve wanted to end it all on several occasions. I’m still alive because of my therapists, yes I have 2, and all the kind, caring, and supportive people right here on WordPress. I’ve been in some really dark places. It really sucks to have several chronic illnesses and pain and to not be able to get any relief, and then they wonder why we are depressed and everything else. Just know that you are not alone. Have you ever considered trying a different therapist? Sometimes you have to go to several to get the one that is right for you. I’ve been to several that did nothing but take my money and waste my time, but I now have 2 very good therapists and I am making some progress My illnesses are never going to go away, so I will always have these ups and downs, but I am really working hard to better handle my emotions. I’m not very good at it, but I’ll keep trying. I also cut and I’m working really hard on that, to stop it, but well, you know how difficult that is, but my therapists don’t put me down for it. They try to teach me ways to cope rather than to cut, but they are very nice about it. If they weren’t it would just make me want to do it even more. I hope you can get some kind of pain relief because that will help a lot. I don’t have good pain control and that’s why I struggle so much because I’m not going to live the rest of my life laying in this damn bed, in pain. Just know I am always here for you if you want to talk, vent, or whatever. I’ll never judge you. I understand a lot of what you are going through. It takes a lot of very hard work, making progress, and falling back into that deep, dark hole gets very frustrating, I know. For today, I’m trying and next week I’ll probably be humming a different tune, but hey, I’m trying and I have a ton of support right here. You matter to me, so please don’t do it. I care! I hope you feel better very soon.
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