Idiot PT guy

Idiot PT guy

I went to physical therapy (PT) today. Guy did some strengthening exercises and they hurt like hell. I am icing my ankle as we speak to try and bring down the swelling and pain. We were talking after the torture and he thinks that he can strengthen my ankle. I just nodded in agreement knowing full well he was wasting his time. If I haven’t regained strength in my ankle after 13 years, I don’t think it’s going to come back. I did a whole lot of PT over the years and I just don’t see how this is going to help me. My foot becomes fatigued which leads to the weakness getting worse. I don’t know what he is feeling but even after all the exercises he did today, I was feeling fatigue and I could tell I couldn’t hold my foot up for very long. He kept telling me to lift my foot so I had to use other muscles to lift it. How is that helping?? I really think that he just doesn’t get what I am telling him. I am not hopeful that my strength is going to come back. We can continue to do the exercises but it’s only going to hurt me in the end.

I also had talk therapy today. I don’t know why I asked for another session tomorrow. I must be out of my head. She totally annoyed me today and I bet anything she is going to annoy me tomorrow. She gave me “homework”, which is to write a blog about how I value myself or something to that effect. She is wasting her time on me if she thinks that I am going to write some bullshit thing about me. I don’t know what she hopes I will gain from this exercise. I have no purpose or worth in my life. I am just a sack of chemicals. And I hurt physically more than I ever have in my life. I have no reason for living. Yet I still continue this existence. Why I don’t know. I am a coward. I would kill myself but I don’t have the energy to do it or plan it. I am just stuck and it sucks.

We talked about my book for a little while. I was telling her a high school friend of mine just bought a copy of it and thought my style was “nice”. I didn’t even know I had a style of writing. I also told her that my second book is troublesome. I don’t know what to write and I am such a condensed writer that for me to expand on something is painful. Just like the band that is around my foot right now. The PT suggested that I wear compression stockings and today I found the pair and am wearing it. It is hurting me so they are not going to last much longer. I am supposed to wear this knee to toe stocking to help decrease the swelling in my leg and ankle. I don’t know how this is supposed to help if the damn thing hurts me. Just doesn’t make any sense.

I have been trying to write about my experience over the past year that lead to my decrease in being suicidal. There are days I don’t think about it like I used to and then there are times I think about it all the time, but only for short periods of time. Not days on end like I used to think. And it is all because I became accountable to a person. She basically guilt tripped me into living. But now I have nothing to live for. My work is done. And I am supposed to write a book about it when I have no motivation. I am such a loser. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. I guess the depression is overwhelming me and I can’t see nothing but gray skies. I feel so utterly useless.

Today as I was listening to Pearl Jam, I thought of writing a blog called “Don’t call me daughter”. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any writing pads with me so the thoughts kind of left me. They are there but I think I will have to listen to the song to write it out. I am too tired now to listen to music just to write. I just want to listen to my old country music on Pandora and relax. Going to PT really wore me out. And I hope that I don’t have mega pain tonight because of it.

I felt like this blog was too short so decided to add to it. I am feeling perplexed because I want to “please” my therapist but what she is asking of me is total bullshit and I don’t write bullshit. I have no value as a human being. I deserve to die. But things seem to keep me here. I have no responsibilities anymore, other than financial. But I am broke most of the time so who cares that I can’t pay a bill. I have 0.89 cents in my checking account right now. I am rich! NOT. And this is stressing me out. I hate November because there are a shit load of birthdays. My sisters, my godparents, my cousins. You name the person and they probably were born in November. I don’t even have money to buy these people a card let alone a gift. Every year is the same. I get gifts from these people on my birthday but I never give in return because I don’t have the money. It is a huge stressor on me.

Tonight, I was going through my blogs and found the post “when jupiter aligns with the crescent moon”. That was one of my psychotic phases. For weeks the voices were out of control and telling me what to do and kept repeating this phrase 24/7. It was driving me nuts. I don’t know if I eventually went in the hospital or not but I have never been that psychotic before. It got me thinking about how I am taking my abilify every other day because of side effects. I hope I don’t become delusional again. I don’t feel it coming on but the depression is driving me crazy. I am more irritable. My sister just told me my nephew wants to take his mother out for her birthday. I really don’t want to go. It’s like I want to stay trapped in my room all the time now. I haven’t left the house except for doctor’s appointments or PT. I don’t remember the last time I went to Starbucks. I think it was last week or the week before when I bought coffee. I hate being irritable and quick to anger.

Another thing the stupid PT guy said was that it has been a long while since I had foot drop. Well, damn, tell me something I don’t know. I still have scar tissue on my nerve root. He says that goes away in time. Really? Why does it still show up on my MRI? AFTER 8 years??? I also have bone spurs in my back. That is fun. Luckily they don’t cause me any discomfort. I really think that if I had another back issue right now, I will kill myself. There is no way I will be able to handle the pain.