Had a rough time last night. Thoughts were so hopeless and I was filled with despair. I tried tweeting my thoughts but I couldn’t form words to my pain. It was agonizing not being able to express myself. I wanted to read something about suicide that would help me realize that life was worth living but I was paralyzed with fear that if I read something negative, it might push me over the edge on I was on. I was trying to find “suicidal mind” to ease my psychache but I had no idea where to look. Today I know where to look and after I write this blog, I am searching for it. I think it is in my Psychache binder folder. I hope so anyways. If I don’t find it, I will buy another copy when I get paid in two weeks. I texted my therapist to call me if she has a chance. I need her calming voice that things are going to be okay.
I don’t know how things went south. I think it was the sun downing experience I get when I am deeply depressed. My mood gets worse when the sun sets, but unfortunately, the sun had already set when my mood shifted. Usually after 8 pm (2000), my mood goes south, more so this time of the year than at any other time. It usually starts the end of September and ends any where the middle of February to the middle of March. It is when my suicidal thoughts are at their worst. There has been documentation about this in bipolar people. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, Night falls Fast, I think states that is the worst time of year for bipolars to commit suicide. If it isn’t that book, it is the book “Touched with Fire”. Both are very good books and I think are in my Useful Books page.
Right now I am starting to feel sad. I have been listening to a variety of music on my phone to get me out of this funk I am in but it’s not helping me. They say when you are depressed you analyze lyrics more than words to the song. Or something like that. And I have been doing that. If I could have YouTube on repeat for Carrie Underwood’s song “Something in the Water”, I would. I find this song uplifting. It’s on my music to buy list, which is getting longer each month. I hate not being able to buy music when I want to. When I was working, this wasn’t a problem but being on a fixed income, you learn to budget. And you allow certain funds to go towards entertainment. Usually I get a few songs a month but Carrie just came out with her first Greatest Hits CD and I want it! It has all my favorite Carrie songs, and a few I don’t know. The new song, Something in the water is on this CD collection. I just can’t decide if I want the physical CD or the MP3 version. I have a few weeks to think about it. Until then, YouTube is playing my song, even if I have to hit play a few times.
My little niece called me to pick her up but after my doctor’s appointment today, I need to rest my ankle. I have to pick her up tomorrow and if I do too much today, I will be toast. My ankle is starting to throb so I really shouldn’t tax it. She will just have to wait until her mother picks her up when she gets out of work. I feel bad and it only worsens my depression because I can’t do things like I used to. It still amazes me that I was able to work 2 jobs while in horrible pain and now can’t even work one. Course, I passed my breaking point when I had to wear an AFO. I just wished I had chosen the research job over the clinical job. Working 20 hours would have been a severe pay cut but at least I still would have a job and maybe be able to finish school finally.
Throbbing is moving into my foot. I fucking hate when that happens. I won’t be able to go down the stairs, or up, over the next few hours. Least until my pain medication kicks in. Doc I saw today has me on a new NSAID (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug) called Mobic (meloxicam). I need to start it tomorrow because I took my last dose of another NSAID last night and you can’t take the two together. I hope it works better than what I am taking now. I hope it helps my arthritis in my hands and that it doesn’t cause GI upset. I left a message with the doc as to when is best to take it. I usually take all my meds at night but I don’t know if that is best or not for this new med. I just hope it helps me and doesn’t cause me any side effects.
midnightdemons7 