hyped up and hypo again

Hyped up and hypo again

So the past week I have been in a hopeless, depressed mood. Now today, I had my coffee, nothing different, and I am feeling hypomanic. I am so hyped up and I don’t know why. I got done all the errands I needed to do. My foot is thanking me kindly because it didn’t like the extra trip I made to get a few legal pads so I can write. I am running low on my paper. I didn’t get that much sleep last night. I slept maybe 5 hours, if that. I had to get up early for my eye appointment. It went well and as I suspected, my vision has changed and I need new glasses. I got two prescriptions, one for reading and one for bifocals. Don’t know where I am going to get the money for both these glasses. I might not be able to get my sunglasses like I want to. But we’ll see next month how much everything will cost. I will shop around for the cheapest price. I have no choice.

I started a letter to my therapist last night. I really don’t want to read it. I know it started off with the usual pleasantries and then went off the deep end. I was in a real mood last night, which is why I can’t explain why I am in a good mood today. But I will take it. I also wrote about stopping my meds. Whenever I get really hopeless, I think the meds are useless and why bother taking them. I won’t stop the abilify because I can’t afford to become psychotic again. I will need to go in the hospital. Hell, the way things are going, I might be headed there again.

I am not doing anything else today except picking up my prescription later today. And I might get a bag of potato chips. Been craving them but thing is, I will eat the whole bag. I will get a small bag if they have the kind I am wanting. I went to the stationary store today to get a few legal pads. And because I am a pen freak, got two pens. I wasn’t planning on it. I really wanted the Zebra 301 in blue but all they had was black so instead I got the V-Ball black and blue. I am very particular about my pens. I usually just write in black ink exclusively. But lately, I have been wanting to write in different colored inks. I got my JetStream in different colors but will only write when it’s not in my journal, though I have written at least one entry in turquoise. I have a lavender colored pen that I have been wanting to use. Maybe I will write my therapist with that pen.

I really need to rest my ankle/foot. It will flare up on me and if I don’t stay on top of the pain, I am fucked. I can’t wait for my new sneakers to come because the ones that I have feel too small, even though they are my size. It’s probably because my foot swells and then becomes uncomfortable by the end of the day. Hence why I need new sneakers. According to their delivery schedule, they should arrive tomorrow with the mail. I don’t think I will be going out tomorrow, but that could change. I really need a day to chill as I have been going out most of this week. It hasn’t been long hours, but baking those cookies really took a lot out of me and now I am paying the price. I should be ok with my meds and rest, but with me feeling so hyped up, it’s hard to stay still. I want to do things. I want to go out, but I really need to listen to my foot and it is saying stay put or you will die. UGH, I hate feeling this way. Hopefully, my pain meds will mellow me out some.

I wrote a draft to my psychiatrist saying I got the brilliant idea of stopping my meds and gave the reasons for it. Now I don’t feel that way so I am glad I didn’t send it. I don’t feel like that now. I feel too good, a little too, too good. I might take an extra oxcarb tonight to see if that helps settle these mood swings. One thing about bipolar is having to deal with the extremes. It drives me crazy to be at the bottom of an abyss one day (like last night) and then feel on top of the world the next day. I feel like I can do anything, well, except fly. I feel like writing my psychiatrist and telling her I am back up again. I bet she is going to think what the hell is going on, just like I am wondering. But it’s been more than ten years since I have had these mood swings. I have been on the same mood stabilizer for years and sometimes it needs tweaking. I still am like WTF is happening to me. Only because when I crash, I crash hard and become immensely suicidal. Right now suicide is farthest from my mind, but it could come back in the next few days. I don’t think I am cycling, another part of this lovely disorder. The hypo and depression are too far apart. But I have gone through this before where I am hypo, psychotic, depressed, and then the pattern repeats. It has been years since this last happened and I ended up in the hospital because each crash was more serious than the previous one. I think that was when I ended up in the detox unit of a psych ward because there were no other beds available. God that hospitalization was awful. I hated the psychiatrist and boy was she dumb. She thought one of the antidepressants that I was on was an antibiotic. And she thought that Vioxx wasn’t a COX2 inhibitor. I knew more about the meds she was prescribing than she did. And she resented me for it. I should have filed a complaint with the medical board for her treatment of me but I never did. I will NEVER go back to that ward, even it was the last bed on the planet.