Pain and suicide

I started off my day in pain, around 0400. I hate waking up in pain. I stayed up for a little while and finally gave in to taking pain meds around 0800 when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I texted my therapist and she gave me a time for today. I really need someone to talk to. I feel like I am losing my mind with this loss of sleep. I went back to sleep after I had breakfast and the pain meds kicked in. I had weird dreams about my psychiatrist. We were on a boat and she wanted to give me a cortisone injection in my hip. That was the first dream. The second dream was also on a boat but other than that, I don’t remember much. What was weird, is that when I woke up, my hip was hurting me. I think I need to go back to physical therapy to get it looked at. It has been bothering me for some time now, since November of last year. I sneezed and pulled my back out. It took me a month to recover and then I sneezed again right before Christmas and took it out again. I have been limited in what I can do. Today I walked to Walgreens which is only a block and half from my house. By the end of the block, my hip was in agony and I didn’t think I was going to make it but I pushed through. It got a little better by the time I reached the store. I only went in for a couple of items and by the time I reached home, I was still sore. I haven’t done any lifting or sneezing the past few days so I am not sure why my hip is bothering me so much. I know it’s muscular because if I rub where it hurts, there are knots there. I just hope that it’s not the beginning of getting my nerve condition again. I have no other symptoms, like radiating pain down my leg or increase in loss of my bowels or bladder to make me think I am in trouble. But the thing with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, things can escalate quickly and without warning. The main reason I don’t want to make a fuss about it, is that I know most physical therapists don’t understand nerve injuries. Yes, muscle pain is common in back injuries but my back muscles have been injured because of nerve damage. That is why my hip goes out when I have a horrific sneeze attack.

My foot still hurts. It has been hurting more since I came back from the store. I can’t stand that I am still having trouble walking after all this time. Last night, I had swelling, severe pain, and the veins popped out in my foot. I don’t get how this is not CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I know the skin changes are not that drastic. But then when I see a doc, I don’t have the worse pain of my life. I might be a 3-5 on a scale of 1-10 when I see a doc. What annoys me is that my PCP doesn’t believe that I have this condition, even after three doctors have told me I have it. It just makes me want to kill myself in frustration. Severe pain always brings out the suicide part of me, not like it isn’t already there to begin with. The pain just gives me the little push I need to think about it more. I just feel trapped. I know that if I kill myself, more than 115 people will be crushed. The people most devastated will be my family and psychiatric team (therapist and psychiatrist). It is this reason why I haven’t attempted. I think that if I had a place to go to, I might be more willing to try. I don’t want to kill myself at home because I don’t want my family to find me like that. But I can’t afford a hotel room and I can’t risk someone finding me in a public place, like a park or something. I can picture myself going through with any of my methods that are running in my head, but I just don’t have the guts to actually go through with it. I am pathetic.