Pain Rant 2

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.