Thought I would write a little bit. I am feeling awake but I took my night meds so I hope that I get sleepy soon. I really don’t want to be up most of the night like I was last night. I had slept around 0100 till 0800, which is pretty good for me. I just wish I didn’t wake up in pain. I also took my pain meds with my night meds so I am hoping I will be toast soon. But it takes a while for these meds to work.
Sox came back only for Ogando to give the lead back to the Rays. I hate this pitcher. He always screws up. I hope they get rid of him. I started off listening to the game but after they gave up three runs in the top of the first, I kind of lost interest. I took a very long Facebook movie quiz that took about a half hour to complete. It was like 99 questions about scenes in the movies. I did ok. I got 86 of 99 so not bad. I didn’t think I would get any right as I am not a movie person.
Some people have been asking me about the hospital and I finally read the blog that dealt with it. Seeing as my psychosis has been unstable, I might have to go in to get stabilized. But I am doing better so I don’t think that will be the case. I guess I wasn’t too clear in the blog what I was thinking. It made sense to me when I read it but apparently it wasn’t to everyone else.
I started journaling again. I am almost done with the journal and will need to get another one soon. I bought a few a couple of months ago. Now I just have to decide which one to go with. As I was writing last night, I was thinking of turning it into a blog. Sometimes I write and think it’s good writing and then type it up. But I hate typing up what I write because reading my handwriting is bad. I hate trying to decipher what I wrote like it’s a code or something.
I got a letter from my LTD insurance. They want me to call to give them an update on my condition. I am the same. I still have pain. I can’t stand too long. I can’t walk too much or for long distances. Even though I have been taking less pain medication, I still need it, especially at night when it will flare up out of the blue. Tonight it happen around 2020. I didn’t do anything except move my ankle just a little bit and boom, it flared up. There is no way I can work second shift like I used to. My dream job of being a barista is out because I can’t stand long. Office work is out because my leg swells up after about four hours of sitting. So I guess I am still disabled. And it sucks. So the restrictions that I had before are still in force. They haven’t changed despite me being basically on bed rest these past three years. I don’t know how they can say I have tendonitis still. It should have gotten better by now with all the resting I have done. Granted I am no longer using an AFO anymore, but that is the only improvement that I have. I still have weakness and fatigue if I do the things that normal people can do, like walk several blocks and stand more than twenty minutes. That is the physical part. The mental part, I still can’t work because if I get stressed, I become psychotic. I get delusional and paranoid. Then the bad voices start and I am back in the hospital. It’s been more than a year since I have been in the hospital for psych reasons. There have been a few times in the past few months that I should have been in, but I avoided it like the plague. I know my psychiatrist is wanting me to go in. She said as much the last email I sent her. But I refuse because of the responsibility I have with my father. I know my sisters could probably do his meds, but they will need to talk to me and if I am on a unit that doesn’t allow the use of cell phones, what am I going to do? Plus, my sister needs me as the back up babysitter for my niece. So I just avoid the hospital unless I am really whacked and have no other choice or because I am imminently going to kill myself, which isn’t going to happen. There is a chance my psychosis is getting out of hand but I will work things out with my sister for my father if that happens. She is understanding of my illness, even though we don’t talk about it. It will be extremely hard to do because I hate going in the hospital as all they do is drug you up more than talk with you. But when you are psychotic, meds are sometimes better than talk. I just hope the stress of talking with my insurance company doesn’t cause a psychotic break as I already had a few psychotic episodes in the past few weeks. I still am hearing music when there is no music playing. And my normal voices have been “louder” than they have been before. They are also more demanding to be spoken to. I just hope the extra trilafon helps ease this episode away. I really don’t want to be drugged up and taking a million pills because their pharmacy doesn’t have the dose pills that I take. Last time I was in the hospital, I had to take 4 pills for my blood pressure medicine because they didn’t have a 40 mg tablet. It sucked. I felt like I was at the med window forever taking more than a handful of pills. It sucked worse than being in the hospital!
midnightdemons7 