Really Spent

Really spent

I am running out of spoons faster than a kid’s birthday party. I went to my father’s today and had to pick up his prescription, again, because he forgot. That meant extra walking for me and I am still sore from all that I did yesterday. It felt like ages to walk the three blocks from Stop and Shop to his apartment complex. I got there and did what I needed to do but didn’t leave shortly thereafter because the lab was coming by to draw his blood and I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to fight the phlebotomist. I guess the last time they drew his blood the lady drew extra tubes and tossed them. He got mad because he “needed his blood”. Luckily, his levels were ok this week. After the lady drew his blood, my sister came and got us. We went out for lunch because I knew he wasn’t going to eat. So we went to a pizza place. By the time we got there, I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily my sister had to go home for something so I was able to get a ride. I think I would have fallen asleep on the train and goodbye Jack. I would have missed my stop.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my therapist situation. Now my psych wants to talk to my therapist. I told her it is my fault as I am done with therapy and told my therapist I was done with her. I just didn’t think she would take it seriously. I have tried to fire her several times in the past and failed. Why this is different, I am not sure. Maybe she is tired of me and my suicidality. She has said that she isn’t but her pushing me to see another therapist makes me wonder. I also told my psych that the phone just isn’t working for us anymore. I don’t know if she will call her or not. But then, I have never known my psych to say something that she doesn’t follow through on. I just know I am going to get the blame for all this as it was my anger that prompted all this. Thing is, I really don’t care what happens in therapy. I am so tired of the treatment itself, not necessarily of my therapist, just of talking to someone week after week after week. It’s old. I am bored with it. And I am not really finding it helpful. I am not saying that ANYONE should stop their treatment based on what I am saying because therapy has been helpful to me over the years. It has kept me alive when I really struggled with death. I am as my therapist has said, burnt out, in more ways than one.

My therapist has suggested that I find someone possibly DBT structured. I would try and find a CBT therapist that offers brief sessions. I don’t want to do the whole CBT or DBT program. I just don’t believe in it. I am more psychodynamically oriented. There is a place that is west of Boston that I can try and find a psychodynamic therapist but because I am on medicare now, I don’t think they will pay or see me. And I know my co-insurance will most likely be out of network so there is that, too. I don’t need a referral for seeing someone. I might call my insurance when I feel like really talking to someone again. Right now, I have no inclination to do so. Only person I will talk to will be my psychiatrist.

I want to say to my readers and those that have commented on my blog recently, thank you. It means a lot to have positive feedback that is empathic and understanding. I was seriously considering ending this blog because of the troll but you have showed me there is a purpose to this blog and that I do help people, even though I don’t always get feedback on every blog that I post. But my stats help show me that people look to my blog for whatever reason, especially those suffering from Cauda Equina Syndrome. There may not be a ton of people with it but there are a few.