annoyed because of pain

There were a few options for dinner tonight that didn’t sound appealing to me. Escarole soup that was about a week old in the fridge, cold cut sandwich, or raviolis that were a few days old. I opted to order pizza because it was better than the choices above. My mother decided to cook liver and onions so the house smells like it, which further curbed my appetite. But I ordered pizza from Papa Johns along with some chicken poppers. The poppers were better than the pizza. There was too much sauce on the pizza and not enough cheese. I ate it anyway because I was hungry. The pizza smelled strongly of green peppers even though I didn’t order it. It was just another turn off to my horrible night of pain.

I had taken my shower and I was in horrid pain while I was showering. I had to sit down on the shower seat to ease some of the pain. Then when I got up, my right knee buckled. I almost lost my balance. Great just what I needed, a fall in the small shower stall. Luckily I didn’t fall, but my back was still in agony. Getting wiped off and dressed was fun. I had to sit to get dressed. There was no way I was going to try and stand to put on my underwear and PJs. I accomplished the task but not without severe pain. I don’t know why standing is giving me so many problems lately. This situation better correct itself because I need to get things done. I have to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. My PCP finally consented to giving me the nerve pain meds. He only gave me a month supply with no refills under the condition that I see my neurologist within the month. I hope that I can see her. What a fucking hassle. I almost laughed when the nurse said we “want to help you”. If you want to help me, give me my fucking meds! It’s as simple as that! Dammit.

I am in a wicked bad mood. It’s after 8 so I doubt there will be trick or treaters. Bells haven’t been ringing so my brother in law has been good with handing out candy. I am just irritated that I spent money on food and it wasn’t good. How hard is it to goof up pizza? Just makes me angry. And why couldn’t my mother wait till tomorrow to make the stupid liver and onions? I hate that smell more than when she makes mushrooms. And she never lights a candle or open a window when she cooks. So the smells just permeate throughout the house. Just annoys me. I know part of me being annoyed is that I am in pain and I can’t fix it. Meds are helping but they make me sleepy. And when I am sleepy, I just want to sleep and not do anything.

I haven’t taken any pain meds today so that could be another reason why I am so grumpy. I also haven’t taken any of my muscle relaxers to prevent the damn spasms. Just another reason for me to be annoyed. My mother bought powered donuts so I was happy about that, for a little while. Little things seems to bring me joy but it doesn’t last long. It never lasts long. It’s just like the coffee I drink. It brings me joy until I finish my drink. Then I am sad again.

I got another Shneidman quote for tonight’s quote of the day. I had to take out “committed” and put “dies by” because it is the correct language to use. He uses “committed” suicide a lot. But then, the changes didn’t occur until after he passed away.

I’m feeling kind of suicidal right now. I won’t do anything but I just wish I was dead. Just like that, poof, I am gone. I have no reason to be in this world. I am not a great writer. I am really sarcastic. I got to edit my “Knackered” paper. I have to put in a medical clause in it so I don’t get sued because people take me seriously. Or maybe I will just leave it, I don’t know. I am just so annoyed right now that I just don’t care. Had to shut off Luke Bryan. Music is annoying me too. Maybe I am getting a migraine. I think it’s more because I am in pain and I can’t do anything about it. The pain isn’t severe pain, like that of what I usually feel with my ankle. It’s more of a dull ache that just won’t go away. I have taken my NSAID today because I didn’t eat anything solid. I have to have a full meal when I take it and half a sandwich wouldn’t cut it. I will take it with my night meds because I had the pizza and chicken for dinner. The pain is in the middle of my back and like I said, it’s a dull pain, not sharp or stabbing. Kind of makes it difficult to treat because you don’t know the cause and you don’t know what will be helpful. I found out that warm water was not helpful at all and just caused my back to hurt more while I was taking a shower. So much for that easing the tension.

But I really just don’t want to be anymore. There is nothing in my life that I am looking forward to. Everything is a hassle and I don’t like it.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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