I had my appointment with my therapist. I don’t really remember how it went. I wasn’t feeling good when she called. I had taken some pain meds earlier and still haven’t slept them off. I am really tired of being in pain. While I was waiting for her to call, I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. She was a little late in calling me and thought I would just pass out on her during our session.
We talked about my writing and how I am having difficulty continuing with my story. She suggested writing an outline or my thoughts, but I have already done that. I shouldn’t have stopped writing but it was like 3 in the morning and I needed to get some sleep. I hate when my ideas come at such late hours. No wonder my sleep is always so fragmented. The thing that I am terrified in writing is that what if I write it and it doesn’t end up being the way I want to write it. I know that might be a silly thing to write, but it’s real. Something is holding me back and I don’t know what it is. And I can’t quite figure out if I want to finish this by hand or not. If I type it, it will be easier so I don’t have to struggle with trying to read my handwriting.
We talked about my father. I will be seeing him a lot this week. I saw him yesterday and I need to see him Thursday and Friday. Thursday is to do his pills and Friday is my sister’s birthday party. It’s always so stressful to see him. I am always in a hyper-vigilant mode because I never know what antics he is going to pull. She asked me how I deal with this. I honestly don’t know. As soon as I leave his presence, I sort of calm down but sometimes the feelings linger because as I am walking toward the elevator, he sometimes calls me back. It’s hard on me, physically, because his apartment is at the end of the hall in relation to the elevator. And God forbid he should meet me halfway or something. Why he doesn’t think of it while I am there with him, I will never know. Usually he wants me to check his mail for him. Drives me crazy. Then I am a nervous wreck until I can bitch to someone about his stupidity.
My therapist and I also checked in to see how this new system of talking is working for us. I think it’s working as I am being heard rather than being ignored or being talked to all session. I still have the fear that she is going to leave me. I think that is part of the reason I can’t continue with the story because if she leaves and I got to cut her out, it just is not going to end well. She read my blog that I wrote last night. She asked if there was more to it that we should talk about and I said that I just wanted to let her know how I was feeling. She talked more about how my needs are not being met and how we can accomplish that. Frankly, I don’t think needs are ever met all the time. They fluctuate in necessity and vary by day. But right now, I am feeling disconnected from people and I am not sure how that is going to change. I need peers/friends to talk to and I just don’t have any, other than those on Facebook and the blog world. I can’t really say Twitter because no one really responds to my tweets. Since being disabled, I haven’t seen one friend on a regular basis nor has my phone received a text or phone call from a former co-worker that I thought was my friend. It’s been three years. I email a friend that lives south of me and maybe once a month I will see another friend that lives also south of me. But there is no guarantee I will be able to see them due to my pain levels. I live a solitary life, even though I live with family.
My therapist and I did talk a little about the TG issue I had with my psychiatrist. I told her she has not addressed how I like to be addressed in any of our appointments. I am still thinking of a way to let her know via email. But I am not a tactful person. I think I am just going to ask her if she could do me a favor and call me G when addressing me and see where that goes. I won’t know until I try. But my fear of rejection is what is keeping me from going through with it. I know the worse she can do is say no, but that thought keeps me from trying. I have a good relationship with my psych. I have been seeing her for more than twenty years. I think it will be favorable but, like I said, my fear of rejection is greater than my willingness to bring it up.