I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.
I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.
One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.
Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.
I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.
I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.
I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.
I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.
All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.