too tired to care

It’s another cold fricken day. The temp was supposed to warm up but it’s barely 30 degrees out. I was going to go out today but I am feeling really tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night and my stupid phone kept on going off with messages and alerts. I should have shut the ringer off.

I just feel really blah and don’t want to do anything. My tolerance today is zero. I am just in a grumpy mood and I can’t shake it. I’m trying to increase my fluids today, to see if that helps my bladder situation. But all I want to do is sleep. I just can’t deal with it. I really want pizza but I don’t want a whole one. Just a couple of slices. That would mean having to walk to the pizza place and I am not up for it.

I am feeling really depressed. I don’t want to talk with anyone, much less my family members. I am just so tired and wiped out. I know part of it is the stress of the upcoming MRI and knowing the results of it. It’s all I have been thinking about. I keep thinking that the surgeon is going to tell me that I have CES again and I just am not going to be able to cope with it. My worse fear is that I will have to have a fusion. Then I was talking to my bipolar cousin and he is like “don’t let them cut you open again”. Thanks, just what I wanted to hear. Like my four surgeries have been voluntary. They haven’t, they have been under emergency circumstances. I just can’t deal with ignorant people.

I’m going back to bed. I can’t stand being awake anymore. I am too tired.