Ankle has been bothering me all fucking day. Seems every time I am close to getting to sleep, it flares up angrily, like I wanted to use it or something. Or maybe it’s mad that I am resting it. I don’t know. It just hurts and I don’t know why. I never know why. Three years and no one has been able to tell me why. They think it’s this, that, but it doesn’t change the treatment or course. I think it is a little bit of complex regional pain syndrome. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome as I do have pain and swelling. I can’t walk as far as I used to because of pain. It just sucks.
I need to go out tomorrow to my father’s. His weekly visit. I wish I could stop doing this every week but out of obligation, I do it.
In addition to this lovely irritable mood that I have been in, I think I am getting my menses. Just what I fucking need to start off the New Year. It makes me depressed and pissed off. I guess that is why I gained so much weight. It’s probably all from feeling bloated. I hate being in this body so fucking much. Another year to remind me I am in the wrong body. It totally messes with my head and how I feel.
I wish I could just spontaneously combust so I wouldn’t have to think about killing myself. Of course, planning your death isn’t the same as going through with it. I plan and plan yet I am still fucking here. A 22 year-old died the other day while swimming. Just like that he was gone. Why couldn’t that happen to me? Why must I fucking live this life I so don’t want to live? I wish I didn’t have the SSD review hanging over my head. I just don’t know if I am disabled “enough” to meet their requirements. I still don’t know if I got it based on my physical and/or mental disability. I wish I knew so I could fill in the right doctors for their consents and stuff. I just hate waiting. And I also worry that I will have to see their doctor. That will fucking suck. And I am in so much pain more at night than during the day. The depression is year round so I don’t have to worry about that. I just worry that I will be denied and then I will be screwed financially.
I wish my therapist were here. I so need to talk to her. I have been texting her but I never get a response. Of course, she is out of office so why would she respond? Nothing I have been texting her needs a response anyways. I think this is the first time that I haven’t thought about leaving her. Usually, I always plan my escape when she is on vacation. It’s my way of getting away from her permanently. But she never usually allows a cancellation. And if I do need to cancel, she wants to make up that time.
I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a month. She had her hip replaced the beginning of December. I am scheduled to see her next Friday. It will be good to see her again. I miss her, too. We have been emailing each other. She does respond and she tells me she is doing well. It’s kind of sad that when I see her next, I will be the one with the cane. I still can’t trust my leg. I don’t know how much of it is mental at this point. I just know there is a security there and I need that. Plus, my leg doesn’t hurt as much if I have that extra support. Wish I could say the same for my ankle.
I read a horribly written blog yesterday. It was by one of my BPD chat friends. There were a ton of run on sentences. And the grammar was just horrible. I want to say something but I don’t want to offend her. I am not close to her so I am not sure she will accept criticism well.
I cannot believe that I have done nothing but lie in bed all day and my ankle is screaming at me. I so want to tell it off, like what the hell are you hurting for when I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I didn’t overuse it. I didn’t go up and down stairs a million times. What the fuck gives??
Because I was a lazy bastard, I have to return a calendar I bought from Amazon. It was way bigger than I thought it would be. I should have known that a 12×17 wouldn’t fit on my wall. It would but I would have to move it over and put another nail in the wall. Too much effort for a lazy person when I don’t need that big of a calendar to begin with. I am an idiot. I was too lazy to get up to see the SKU for the calendar I do have. Now I have to go to Harvard to go to my favorite stationary store to get the calendar I need, which is what I should have done to begin with. I thought Amazon would get me what I needed and now it didn’t. I am a lazy bastard.