Can’t Breathe

Can’t breathe

I am all clogged up with my nose. I would still be sleeping if I wasn’t breathing through my mouth and it got dry. But it’s good that I woke up because I had to take my night meds. I am feeling a little bit better mentally. I just wish I could breathe.

I checked my mail. All I did was go down and then up the stairs and now my ankle hates me. WTF. I got a benefit statement form from SSD. I hope that will be enough to send to the loan people that I am disabled. I still haven’t received my award letter. I also got the stupid Humana stuff. I cancelled it last week and they send me something every day for the past week. Holy moly what a waste of paper. I can’t believe that an agency would enroll someone without telling them first and giving them the option of enrolling. It’s just so stupid.

I will be having a third dose of pain meds tonight. I have been taking them around the clock today because the pain has been so bad. I still haven’t moved my bowels despite taking senna. I am hoping coffee tomorrow morning gets things moving. I am starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am debating on using Afrin to clear my nasal passages so I can fricken breathe. Thing is, it always makes me sneeze after I use it so I think I am wasting the medicine because I just sneeze it out. I have to get a different kind of Afrin as the menthol one is just too strong. I think that is why I sneeze after I use it. I am going to go for a moisturizing one.

I’m also debating whether or not to read another boring chapter in the “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I want to get through the book so I can complete it as part of my reading challenge I set up for the year through GoodReads. I want to read at least 20 books this year. So far I have read two. One friend wants to read a 150 books. That requires some skill. I am also keeping a database of the books I have read this year. I like to keep my excel skills up. I haven’t made an formulas or anything, just a basic sheet that tells me what I have read and the time it took to read it. GoodReads doesn’t give me that kind of information.

I like this book, it’s an “easy” read meaning that it’s not technical with a lot of jargon but there are a lot of references throughout the chapters that I read. My therapist just wants me to read a chapter out of sync rather than reading it chapter to chapter. I can’t do that as it messes with my OCD quirks. I have to read from beginning to end. I can’t hop around. Only time I have done that is if I am researching something and need a specific chapter to know what I am looking for. Like I bought a book about suicidal risk management and I totally forgot why I bought it. It was a follow up to an article I read that I couldn’t get online so I bought the book that it was in but I forgot the reference. It is frustrating because I have this book now and it’s just sitting there. I might read it after I finish every book that is on my list. It’s a small book, about 250 pages, so I should have no problems reading it.

The other book that I am reading (I always read two or three books at the same time) is on the “Explorations in Personality”. That book is hard to read because it has a lot of technical talk and sometimes it has Latin words that I don’t understand or even words that I think are made up like “infavoidance”. It lists this word but they don’t define it and it gets frustrating after a while because you read and then need a dictionary to understand what you are fucking reading. It just takes time and effort with this book and my patience is low. I have to take it in small steps. It’s going to take a long time to read this book. It’s about 400 pages. I am up to page 105 so I have 300 to go. I’m only reading it to find out more about needs but I am afraid this book is way over my head and I am just not understanding it like Shneidman has. It’s like they make up words and you are left with a “huh” type of feeling. And they haven’t even gotten to the study part yet. It’s just a real bore but I find it interesting only because I feel it’s a part of history reading stuff from that era.

I’m hungry and I can’t decide if I want cereal or a breakfast bar. I am leaning toward a breakfast bar. I find it more filling than cereal. I never had my Chinese food tonight. My mother wanted hot dogs and beans. I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

any thoughts?

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