Sunday Blog 10

Last night I was a little bit anxious to sleep. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. I didn’t know what to do first. The more I thought about things, the more energy I got. It was at least 0300 before I settled down for bed. I signed up for Netflix but didn’t have the patience to wait for the show to download. I think I am going to try again tonight and if the same thing happens, I am just going to cancel my membership before I get charged.

My mother called “looking” for me. I told her I was in my room and then she asked how my leg was. I told her it still hurt. Then she asked if the pills work. I didn’t tell her I didn’t take any. I just wanted her off the damn phone. She then tells me to tell the doc the pills aren’t working. Yea, okay. I asked her what she wanted and she said well, if you don’t want my advice…WTF Did I ask for it?? Seriously can’t stand her.

I watched half an inning of the Sox game. They were already losing 13-5 in the 8th inning. Pitiful. I heard from the group that I belong to that the starting pitcher didn’t care. No shit. He never does. I can’t stand him and we have him for another two years.

Last night in my anxiety ridden condition, I started taking notes on one of the books that I am reading so I can write a review. Frankly, the book is a piece of shit and is very misleading. This is without me even reading a single chapter. But I am going to read it to prove it’s a piece of shit.

Tomorrow I have the appointment with my father. All week I have appointments. Wednesday is the jackpot. I have three appointments that day. I am going to be so tuckered out it’s not funny. I will have a break in between appointments so I will go to Starbucks to keep myself fueled. I hope it’s a nice a day out and not snowy. I haven’t seen the weekly report yet. It was warm today but tomorrow is supposed to snow. Figures. My father is not going to like that. I got to call him and tell him where to meet him.

I really just want to go back to sleep. My mother is making a pot pie. I do but don’t want to eat. I had a bowl of cereal this morning and it’s all I had all day. Seems my appetite has gone back to one day I have it, the next I don’t. I’m still feeling depressed. And the guilts have crept in. I don’t know why I feel so guilty and I don’t know what for but I do. I also feel worthless, but that goes without saying. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know these things. Mostly I do so I don’t forget to tell her.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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