weight, food and books

I sent off my protected blog to my therapist so she can read it and then I cancelled therapy for the week. She hasn’t said anything. I am still waiting for my father’s doc’s office to call me back to set up an appointment. If I don’t hear anything by 1500, I am going to call again.

I got one thing accomplished today. I took a shower. I was going to go to the barber’s shop for the haircut but now I will have to go Thursday. The shop is closed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I also made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I didn’t have breakfast as I fell asleep after I made the phone call this morning and showered.

I went on a rant last night. I started to complain about how the medical profession doesn’t seem to care about depression the way they ought to. I also ranted about how this is all “stress”, like it will go away. I lost another eight pounds due to this “stress” aka depression. I should be happy but I am not. I have always felt weird around my weight. My old PCP was after me every month to lose and the “stress” of him telling me to lose actually caused me to gain. Now that I don’t have that pressure with the NP, I am dropping pounds left and right. I know it’s because I am not eating my usual foods. I am eating just one meal a day, if that. So I just eat when I am hungry no matter the hour. Trouble has been what to eat because nothing appeals to me. I have lost interest in food.

I know this may sound silly but I am going to say it anyway. I feel like with me losing weight, I am losing a part of myself. I know I don’t need the weight. I am too heavy for my frame. I never was skinny. I was always on the heavy side. But I just feel like I need to be heavy or no one will like me. People liked me when I was much lighter. I have proof of that. But It’s just a weird thing because I have been overweight for so long that I grew used to it. Now there is a chance I might meet my goal of being 185 again or lower if I just continue to watch what eat. I guess you can blame my father for this because he always called me fat and ugly.

I am addicted to books. Last night a friend on Twitter showed a Neil Gaiman book, the Sandman Overture. I had to have it so I bought the collection on Kindle for $20. It’s the third Gaiman book that I have bought the last few days. I don’t know when I am going to read them, but I have them. I am still working on Brothers Karamazov. I read a little each day or try to. It’s hard with the depression. It’s kind of fun because you go back to Russia and think about those times before communism and fascist regimes. When Russia was ruled by the church. Least that is what I am getting from the book.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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