feeling blah and other things

Feeling blah and other things

I woke up early this morning in pain so I took some pain meds. It was supposed to rain but never did. Something is in the works though because my lower back and ankle says there is. I woke up later in the morning and started my day. I really just wanted to stay at home but I needed to do my father’s meds and go to the post office. By the time I was done checking out the American Association of Suicidology annual conference tweets, it was time for me to go. Marsha Linehan was again a speaker at the conference and one of the messages she said was that hospitals do not help suicide prevention at all. There is ZERO data to support going to a hospital.

Now with this data, I am not going to go into the hospital ever again. It really doesn’t help to be there because you get no treatment. You get admitted and the next thing you know you are discharged. Last time I had to fight to stay in the hospital. They wanted to discharge me but I kept telling them I was going to kill myself if they did. I put them in a “bind”. I didn’t care. I just knew I didn’t want to leave until I had my stay or something was done to make me feel better. The result was weight gain and feeling better because the Remeron worked. I wanted to give the medicine time to work, something they don’t do anymore. You are in and they want you out just as fast. They don’t care what brought you into the hospital. They just want to know if you are suicidal and going to kill yourself when you get out or on the unit. You say no, they discharge you. You say yes, you stay. After three days, you still have your thoughts but not going to act, you’re out. That’s what it comes down to.

So now that I know there is zero data to support an admission, why should I waste my time on the unit. Sure it will give me a temporary break from dealing with my family but the hassles of medication and packing and the like is just too much for me right now. I am feeling too blah to even get dressed and go out. After my father’s, I was so tired I just wanted to go home and snuggle with my pillow. But I had to go to the post office. As a reward, I told myself if I went, I would get a sub. So that was my incentive. I hadn’t eaten anything all day so this was going to be it. I wanted to make a black bean burger before I left the house but I didn’t have time. So a pastrami sub was my ticket to doing my errand at the post office. It was good and I ate the whole thing, much to my surprise. I think my appetite is coming back, even though I still feel moody and blahish. I still have thoughts of wanting to die. Those never seem to go away.

I texted my therapist a sad face that she didn’t call me. I also showed her a side by side pic of myself from a few months ago to yesterday showing I lost weight. I haven’t seen her in a couple months so I thought I would send her pics.

Today was really cool that my friends at the AAS conference tweeted me that David Jobes won the Marsha Linehan award. I love Jobes and write about his work frequently. His work helped to keep me here and gives me hope that I can survive my suicidal impulses even though the data says that I should be dead.

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