Something about grief and other things
I have been trying to write for the past three hours and I am failing. I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don’t know what to say. I had therapy today. It went okay. We talked about how Thursdays are tough for me because I had a routine. Now I don’t have it anymore and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I lost something and I can’t get it back. I have been feeling numb the past few hours because I just don’t know what to say. My mind is kind of blank.
My back is a little better today. I was able to stand up straight for the first time in the last five days. It still hurts but I am moving around better because the temps have leveled off. It was starting to get me depressed because I couldn’t move. I have been resting for most of the day. It has helped.
Yesterday, I got an update message on my phone. It needs to update the system software. The last time I allowed it to happen, it wiped out my music playlists. I just got some of them back to where I had them before they were wiped out. I don’t want to recreate them because it’s a pain in the ass. The artist only playlists are easy to restore but the others are a little more tricky. I have to go into the individual artists albums to pick the songs I like and then add them to the playlist. It just takes a lot of time and patience because if you accidently play the song, you have to start all over again.
I am almost done reading “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients”. I have a chapter and a half to read. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight that I will finish it. I am pretty wiped out from all the pain meds I took today for my back pain. I have been taking them consistently every 4-5 hours to deal with the pain. I think that is the other reason I am having trouble writing today. My cognition just isn’t there.
I was talking to a friend today about emotional pain. She can be a little self-righteous and that pisses me off. I usually don’t respond to her texts when she gets that way. Then today she called my therapist a “transgender” therapist and I really got angry for some reason. My therapist isn’t a specialized therapist but I felt that if I set her straight, I was just going to say something I shouldn’t so I just let it go. She started off the conversation with asking about Hyde. I don’t know if I should continue to talk to her. Sometimes she just doesn’t make sense.
I think tomorrow I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital. I really don’t want it to be all on paper because if I continue to write and finish the story, the harder it’s going to be to type it up anyways. This is all if I am feeling up to it. My therapist says it will be good to talk about it and write it. She asked how much more I have to write and I told her I am in just in the first hour of him being home. I haven’t written about the part where he hears his stupid clock. What I can’t remember is what time the hospice nurse left. It was like she left, my sister came back to the apartment with diapers and food, we ate, and then he died. I don’t know why this detail is important to me. Maybe I feel like if she was there he wouldn’t have died? Or maybe she would have been there and then we would have had a more concrete time of death. These are the things that I keep going over and over in my head.
Monday I will be getting the stuff I ordered from Amazon. It seems like I ordered them weeks ago and now they are finally being shipped. I bought a food processor because there is this cranberry relish I want to make. Of all the gadgets my mother has in the kitchen, she doesn’t own a food processor. I need to get a new can opener because the one she has sucks really bad. We had a good one but it broke. I loved it because it was the first electric can opener I could use without fail. Now we have a cheap one and I can’t get it to work at all. I am also going to get a hand one just as a back up.