Rambling thoughts at 0200
I just got off the phone with a childhood friend. She is out in California so as usual, she forgets about the time difference. She is funny. I love her so much, but not in anyway other than friendship. We have been friends since the 6th grade.
For some reason, I just can’t sleep tonight, despite taking medication for sleep. I just took an Ativan so I am hoping to be asleep within the hour. I am very tired but restless. My brain keeps firing away with thoughts. I have a huge pile of stuff at the foot of my bed opposite where I sleep that I have to go through so I can change my sheets this weekend. I was going to change my sheets last weekend but my back went out on me. It’s feeling better now, a little bit. Least it was until I had a horrific sneeze that knocked it out again. I think that is part of the reason I am still awake. My back is aching and I just can’t seem to relax to sleep.
While I was talking with my friend, I talked about the death of my father. It brought up memories of that day. I told her it was a terrible thing to see a parent die like that, no matter what your relationship was with him. I told her I have PTSD and that I was in the hospital because I was semi-suicidal. She was concerned a little bit. It was the first time I told her the truth about my depression. I also told her that by the time she sees me in October, I will have my name changed officially and legally. I am really excited about this. I just hope there isn’t a waiting period to have my name changed.
I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I want to sleep but my thoughts are keeping me up. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying to relax and empty my mind but that is easier said than done. Breathing exercises always make me dizzy. I am so sleepy that I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I should do something, like write up the story that I have but I am afraid if I do, I really won’t sleep tonight because I will be filled with memories and it’s wicked late.
Earlier tonight, I was on an app called Reddit. I have no idea what it is or what it does. I responded to a few things and then on the 3rd or 4th thing I was commenting on, the thing timed me out, saying I did too much and you have 7 minutes to reply again. WTH. So I wait the 7 minutes, finished typing my comment, posted it, and then I got out of the app. Stupid thing. I still have no idea what the hell the thing is for or what it is about. If someone that is reading this knows, please enlighten me!
Today is my Uncle Sam’s birthday. He passed away almost ten years ago. I miss him every day. He was a great man. I don’t know if he would have accepted me for who I am but I know that he loved me. If my father is in heaven, I am sure that he is arguing with him right now over something stupid. And my uncle is saying “for crying out loud” and for “christ’s sake”. Those were his famous sayings when he was frazzled.
I hope I get some sleep tonight. It’s going to be a long day if I don’t. I really want to go back to Starbucks later today to try the new Cold Brew coffee they have with vanilla sweet cream. It sounds tasty. I think I can get it free with my Stars reward so I don’t have to pay for it. Then I can read or write. I finally got my new psych book that I want to read to refresh my memory on things. It also has stuff on the DSM V. I am so out of date that I still have books with the DSM III-R. A lot has changed with the DSM. Some things are the same, but I have to relearn everything again. I haven’t bought the DSM V because it’s kind of expensive and I don’t really need it. If I ever become a clinician, I am sure there will be another version of it out.
Speaking of books, I was thinking of getting the Associated Press Stylebook for my editing purposes. It will cost me around $35 for the latest version. I was talking with my writing friend and she says it a good book to have so when I get paid next, it will be the first thing I buy. I am not close to editing my book but it will be nice to read over. I might be able to improve my writing style. I have bought a writing reference book. It’s buried in the pile of shit that is on my bed that I need to clear off to change my sheets. I have at least three books buried there. Every time I clear it, I tell myself not to accumulate stuff again, but I do. It’s gradual and doesn’t happen over night. I will clear it off and get this book. I want to read the section that deals with punctuation, like semi-colons and stuff. I don’t use them because technically, I don’t know if I am using them correctly or not or know really when to use them. I also would like to know how to use the dash. I have seen people use them and it makes me jealous because I don’t know when to use them. I am just a novice writer.