some kind of blog

I got a text from my therapist this morning that clarified that she did indeed cancel our session for this week, well that she accepted my cancelation. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I feel like we have been going non stop for months and I needed a break. Things will resume next week, if I feel like it.

Yesterday, I was in pain most of the day and it caused me to become suicidal, again. If I had enough pills, I would probably have done it today or tomorrow. I have to wait until next week when I can refill my script. I don’t feel suicidal today so my plan is mute, for now. Struggling with these tendencies has been harder and harder to deal with. I was so damn tired yesterday and no matter what pill I took, I couldn’t not get to sleep at all until the evening hours. I took two strong pain pills because the pain was out of this world. I just couldn’t get on top of it.

Today is my middle sister’s birthday. I did a lot of stuff on my feet that I am sure is going to keep me up most of the night. Chairs were limited so I stood most of the time. It went well. I think that was the first time I spent the whole party with my family without retreating to my room.

My ankle is still sore and my toes are throbbing. It’s going to be a long night. My depression is looming. I am tired but I know I am not going to be able to sleep. Painsomnia will keep me awake, I am sure of that.

I haven’t left the house all day. I am trying to recover from yesterday’s day of hell. Friday I have the appointment with my psych and repro endo doc. They are early appointments so I will be spending most of the morning at the hospital. It’s going to be a long day.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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