some kind of blog

I got a text from my therapist this morning that clarified that she did indeed cancel our session for this week, well that she accepted my cancelation. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I feel like we have been going non stop for months and I needed a break. Things will resume next week, if I feel like it.

Yesterday, I was in pain most of the day and it caused me to become suicidal, again. If I had enough pills, I would probably have done it today or tomorrow. I have to wait until next week when I can refill my script. I don’t feel suicidal today so my plan is mute, for now. Struggling with these tendencies has been harder and harder to deal with. I was so damn tired yesterday and no matter what pill I took, I couldn’t not get to sleep at all until the evening hours. I took two strong pain pills because the pain was out of this world. I just couldn’t get on top of it.

Today is my middle sister’s birthday. I did a lot of stuff on my feet that I am sure is going to keep me up most of the night. Chairs were limited so I stood most of the time. It went well. I think that was the first time I spent the whole party with my family without retreating to my room.

My ankle is still sore and my toes are throbbing. It’s going to be a long night. My depression is looming. I am tired but I know I am not going to be able to sleep. Painsomnia will keep me awake, I am sure of that.

I haven’t left the house all day. I am trying to recover from yesterday’s day of hell. Friday I have the appointment with my psych and repro endo doc. They are early appointments so I will be spending most of the morning at the hospital. It’s going to be a long day.