Very sucky day

So this admission is very bad. All day i have been fighting to get my meds straight. None of my PRN orders are there. My night meds are my day meds. I am beyond frustrated. 

The attending psychiatrist talked to my psych. She is very worried about me and doesn’t want me discharged at the end of 3 days. The attending said that if I don’t retract the 3 day, he will file for commitment. Fucking made my day. So tomorrow I’ll have no choice but to retract it. I wanted to think about it before I rushed to the decision. He said they will do “work” with me, but I seriously doubt it. The social worker I am seeing will not be my SW come Monday. I think Bonnie will be back and that isn’t good. This SW at least wants to help. Bonnie will give two shit in a hand basket. I just want to go home but it doesn’t look like it will be soon.

I’ve had a migraine most of the day. I thought some ibuprofen would take care of it but nope. Hence when I found out my PRNs aren’t ordered. The fire alarm went off today which really killed my head. We were in group, my only one i really wanted to attend. I took a shower hoping it will help.  It did a little. It is hot on the unit so now I am sweating. I need to get my window open.

I haven’t been in the mood to call family. My sister just called but I didn’t pick up. I really don’t feel like talking. I woke up in pain in my malleolus and it has been constant all day. The nuclear med department called to schedule a bone scan. I told them Dec as I think I’ll be here for a while. 

I am so mad at my psych for hospitalizing me. I am mad at myself for telling her my fucking plans or at least hinting at them. I want to write her an email to say she sucks. I know she knows me well and she wouldn’t put me here is she didn’t think it was necessary. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Just met with my check in person and he was able to open the window! Yay, no overheating! I probably won’t have privileges until maybe next week so I can go on walks. My SW saw me before she left. She said to look up positive psychology for acceptance commitment therapy. I might do it if my migraine goes away. I don’t have my laptop so looking at the stuff on my phone is going to be a challenge.

I am getting hungry. I had dinner but my sweet tooth is calling. I might have a bowl of cereal. I wish I brought some of my tea bags I like. I used them up the last time I was here. I don’t know why I’ve been so sleepy all day. I think it is my mood stabilizer that I usually take at night but they have it for the morning. 

The 15 minute checks are really annoying me. I know they need to do them but my door is open. They don’t need to knock!

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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