Exhausting painful day

I woke up around 2 in pain so got some pain meds. I woke up around 8 after falling back to sleep. I wanted coffee but the damn breakfast dude had shut the doors to the kitchen. I don’t know why they do this for every meal. Drives me crazy. While I was waiting for him to open the door, my pain spiked and so did my suicidality. I just wanted to die. After I got the disgusting coffee and some breakfast, I met with my team. I told them I would retract the 3 day and the psychiatrist asked what changed my mind. I said the thought of going to a state hospital wasn’t appealing. After we talked, he gave me privileges just like that. After I told him I was suicidal. Whatever. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go out today anyway. I just hurt too much.

I had a mental health counselor that I liked as my check in person and told her I hated being far away from the nurse’s station. She was able to have me change rooms to be closer. I had to walk back and forth with my things. That caused a flare up. I am staying in my room the rest of the night. I need to rest. I am wicked tired, like I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I am so wiped out from this chronic pain today. It has been fluctuating all day. 

There is a service dog on the unit. He is very cute. The bugger had learned to leave the patient’s room so he has been hanging out for most of the day. This is the 1st time I have seen a dog on the unit.

It has been a really warm day out and so the unit has been stifling. I was sweating when I was done with the room change. I didn’t pack shorts so I ended up making them out of some scrub pants when I was last admitted. I am much cooler now. My room has the windows wide open so it’s nice and cool. I like it. I can not tolerate the heat, which I think has contributed to my pain being bad the past two days. If dinner wasn’t in a few minutes, I would take a nap. I will after I eat. I’m kind of hungry.

I hope that because I got privs today that my discharge date might be next week. Least I hope so. I want the fuck out of here. My psychiatrist wants me to stick it out but I really don’t see the point. 

I went to two groups today. The 1st one was group therapy and I came out to the patients that were there. Everyone was supportive and I think there is another trans female on the unit. I hope we can connect but she seems very distant.

The other group was on stigma and I didn’t care for it. It was really boring. 

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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