Month: November 2021

It’s 115a

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

I’ve been in severe pain since 1900 last night. I don’t know what I did to cause this flare. I know part of it is because I was emotional today with the news of my BFF who is like a little brother to me. I love him so much. I wish there was something I could do for him. I am going to try and call him every week just to check in on him.

I’ve been scrolling on twitter most of the night. I did read Medical Apartheid. I finished the ugly chapter I was on about eugenics and how white people wanted to expunge African Americans. This went on until the year 2000 where they set up clinics to sterilize or force them on birth control. One of the campaign sayings was something like better to be an addict than to have a child. Shows how depraved people were about addiction. Rather than deal with the issue, they rather the person suffering from addiction was sterile or on the long term birth control Norplant. Just makes me sick. The next chapter is on radiation and Blacks. I don’t know if I can stomach it. I thought I could read this but it is really sad what these people have gone through after their freedom was given.

I am tired but I can’t sleep due to pain. I’ve already taken what I could. I even took ibuprofen to try and stop the pain. I think I could be hungry but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make something to eat. I would just have cereal though. I found a box of honey nut Chex while I was putting groceries away yesterday. I love that flavor.

Because of my grocery delivery, I canceled my therapy appointment. I won’t have therapy this week. I will see her on Mon. We have a lot to talk about. I should probably write some of it down so I don’t forget. I hate writing stuff down because once it is out of my head and on paper, I forget about it.

I made an appointment for my eye exam in a couple of weeks. It is outside of Boston at a new place. I just hope the doctor is nice. It is in the afternoon so I am not so sleepy. I think there is a bookstore near there so I might go book shopping after.

sad news

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sad news

I texted my BFF from childhood today and he called me. We spoke for about an hour or so catching up on things. He told me he lost his fiancé to Covid last week and his mother has brain cancer. He is really down about things and his young daughter is all that is keeping him going. I was broken hearted to hear this as he isn’t a depressive type. He is trying to get help but he doesn’t like the therapist he is seeing. I am glad he is trying to get help and be there for his daughter.

I’ve been in a mood since the phone call. It has been rough. I sent him a fruit basket as I didn’t know what else to do. I also sent his daughter a teddy bear. I feel so helpless about this. His grief was palpable and it kills me that he is going through so much. I wish I had a car so I could possibly babysit for him while he worked. He doesn’t live close to a bus line and it would be a pain to travel via public transportation to that area.

I showered today. I made lunch. My arm is hurting from these activities. I have been trying to keep it as still as possible but it is hard. I did the arm exercises while I was having coffee and eating my sandwich. I ordered Chipotle for dinner. My mother made her own thing for supper so I was on my own. I still might have another cup of coffee or cup of tea. I don’t know. I just want something soothing to drink.

I am tired. I was up a few times during the night because I had to empty my bladder but I was being stubborn about it. I didn’t want to get up as I was comfy. I went to bed before 8pm. I finally gave in to my bladder around 230 and was up for an hour before settling back down to sleep.

My new shipment of catheters came today. I still have two boxes left from the last order so I am not going to open the box yet. It still depresses me that I have to cath. I voided like three times yesterday but all three of the void had problems and I didn’t empty my bladder on none of them. I guess I am truly disabled.

I saw my cousin who has a substance abuse disorder. He looked the best I have ever seen him. I am really proud that he overcame his addiction and is healthy now. I follow him on Instagram and he has a cat that is so cute. It is a ginger and I love ginger cats.

I think I am going to read my book tonight. It has been a week since I last read. My books to be read pile keeps getting bigger. I just hope I can stay awake a little longer than I did last night. It is just my arm pain has been insane lately. I have been putting heat on to calm it down and relax the muscles as they are so damn tight. My PT wants me to use ice if it is really throbbing because that indicates inflammation. I hate using ice though.

Bat

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Here is a cute baby bat is in a blanket

tiring tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Tiring Tuesday

I wanted to shave and shower today but it didn’t happen. I am too tired. I don’t know if it will happen tomorrow as I have groceries to be delivered and have therapy. I met with my psychiatrist today. We talked about my bladder issues and pain issues. Right before we were to meet, I had to use the bathroom and just made it there in time. I was a few minutes late but I didn’t care as I couldn’t hold it. My bowels were explosive today for some reason and I have taken any Miralax in a few days. My bladder has been urgent as well as I have been voiding for most of the day followed by cathing to make sure I am empty. It still hurts to void.

I had an hour after meeting with my psychiatrist to go to PT. I had something to eat and then got dressed. Arm was so sore today as well. I was moving it a lot and stupidly picked up the gallon of milk today as I made my mother her coffee. The PT said I am a candidate for dry needling as I am wicked tight. She made me feel better but sore. I need to put heat on but I am too tired. I just want to go to bed.

I had some waiting to do before the bus came after PT. It was cold out and my hands got very cold when exposed to the air so I had them in my pocket while waiting for the stupid bus. There must be some diversion with Tufts University as I seen a couple of shuttle buses ride by. They usually aren’t at that end of the road. I went to the pharmacy when I got close to home but the line was so fucking long and not moving so I left. I will pick up my meds tomorrow.

My 1619 Project book came today. I am so excited. I can’t wait to start reading it. I need to finish Medical Apartheid first. I am almost half way through the book but at the rate I am going I won’t be done until mid-December. I try to read at least two chapters but it is a hard read and sometimes I can’t even finish one. The cruelty whites have against Blacks just irks me so much. The last thing I read was how they wanted to exterminate the Blacks by sterilizing them. The author estimates at least 100,000 if not more were forcibly sterilized during the 1920s and 1930s. Some doctors even went as far as to kill Black infants because they wouldn’t survive otherwise. Sick. Just made me sick reading this.

I had a bowl of cereal for dinner. I was dizzy when I came home. I don’t know why. My blood pressure is good. I am probably dehydrated as I really haven’t had much to drink other than coffee today. I have been trying to drink fluids but I hate having to go to the bathroom so it is a catch 22. I just want to go to bed right now. I am so damn tired. The PT gave me “permission” to use the sling if I need it and to especially wear it around the house so I don’t lift things I am not supposed to. Going to fun carrying groceries up the stairs tomorrow. I will have to make twice as many trips because I can’t carry stuff with my arm.