Category: bipolar

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

short blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression

I am still feeling unwell, though I feel better than what I did yesterday. Today I just feel like I have no energy and am really stuffy. Right now I am having side effects from the pink pill so I am not sure how much writing I am going to get done tonight.

I didn’t have therapy today. I slept for most of the day, though I did go to Walgreens to get Nyquil and my corn chips. I wanted two bags but they only had one. I couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t believe how expensive Nyquil is now. For two bottles it used to be 15 bucks. Now it’s 19 bucks. Luckily it was on sale for 14 bucks so I was happy. I wasn’t going to pay $10 for one bottle if I didn’t have to. And I know I will go through the first bottle within the next few days.

I am back to listening to Taylor. I am happy about this. For now it is my one joy. I am too sick to go to Starbucks for coffee or even have coffee. I haven’t had coffee since Monday.

Side effects are affecting my writing so I think I will stop here. If I get a chance I will write later

random 648

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression

I am not feeling well today. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting. After I had therapy, I broke out in a fever, low grade. It didn’t last too long after I took some naproxen. I still feel shitty. I didn’t know what I was going to have for supper as I didn’t eat lunch. I made some soup. I hope it doesn’t make me sick as it is past its expiration date. So far, I am not feeling worse than I already do. My head still feels fuzzy.

In therapy, we talked more about my father and how crappy I was feeling. I need to go to walgreens to get some Nyquil but after I broke out in a fever, decided against it. She asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day and I said to tend to my crops. Some how she thought I said crabs. Don’t know where her head is. She blamed it on my “accent”. I guess it is funny but I wasn’t in the mood for laughter. We also talked about how my mood is shifting. One minute I will be fine, the next I will be severely depressed. Then back to being fine again. The depression doesn’t last but when it hits, it is like the world is coming to an end. It is worse at night, always worse at night. I don’t know if it’s like a sundown effect or what, but my mood plummets soon after the sun setting. Today that doesn’t appear to be the case as I am too sick to be depressed, I guess. I just feel so awful. It sucks being sick, especially when you don’t have the stuff to make you better. I will go out tomorrow and get my stuff that I need. I don’t have any more naproxen or ibuprofen so if I run a fever again, I am screwed. I was able to get some Tylenol from my mother’s stash. But she doesn’t have ibuprofen. She tends to think that tension headache medicine takes care of her pain. All it is, is Tylenol mixed with caffeine. But as long as it helps her, I am okay with it.

Because my headache is taking the effect of a migraine, I am sensitive to sound and light. I had to stop playing Taylor because the music was not having a pleasurable effect on me. And like I predicted, the songs are playing shuffle in my head. I will start with one song and then later on it will play another song. It keeps changing and then it won’t leave my brain until I actually hear the song, at low volume. I am kind of upset this cold is affecting my music playing. But then, there was construction going on next door and I was very irate most of the day. I couldn’t stand listening to the chainsaw, some kind of diesel vehicle backing up and beeping, and a grinding noise coming from the backyard. It was so annoying. Then it would stop for a few minutes after all the grinding and sawing only to hear the damn vehicle beeping. It finally stopped around 1630.

I think I am totally obsessing over Taylor. I just can’t get enough of her. I auto-record all her interviews and performances. I can’t wait for the American Music Awards to see her sing one of her songs. I don’t know if it will be “blank space” or “shake it off”. “Blank space” got like 46 million views on youtube. If I were technologically inclined, I would post the video on my blog, but I don’t know how to do it. I know people post youtube videos all the time, but I learned how. So if someone wants to leave me a comment on how, please do so!

Missed Opportunity

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.