Category: blogging

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

We are having a little snow here in Boston today. It’s not much but people are already going nuts over the “s” word. I don’t mind it. I just wish my AC was out of my window so it wouldn’t be so cold in my room. We had a warm front before this cold front and then the weather got really crappy so there wasn’t time to take the AC out. It’s really stormy out there with gusty winds. I wonder how the football game is going to fair in this kind of weather. We’ll see.

I went to bed before 10 and woke up around the time of the time change. It sucked because I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played by game until 4 AM when I could go back to sleep. I slept for a few more hours and that was it. I was up. I had one final prescription to fill so I went to the pharmacy and back. Ankle is feeling good today. Too bad it’s crappy out or I would go to the grocery store to get some stuff that I need.

Last night, I had side effects again. I am having some now but they aren’t too bad. I really want to take nap. I am really tired from not sleeping through the night, again. I just had a cup of tea to try and stay awake but it isn’t doing much. I would make coffee but I am afraid it might give me the jitters because I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I can’t decide what I want to have for lunch. I really want a tuna sandwich but there is no tuna in the house.

As much as I really don’t want to, I have to see my father today because my mother is throwing my sister a birthday party for her. Her birthday isn’t until tomorrow but things get crazy after work so they decided to have it today. The funny things is nobody told me the time to show up. I hate feeling like an insignificant and just expected to show up when they call. It happens every year that I am the last to know when there is a party for my sisters or my mother or my father. Never fails. Not that I have anything to do, but it would be nice to be invited or told the news than get the phone call ten minutes before the party.

My father has told me that he was invited to dinner to my sister’s today. I just hope I don’t have to drive through this yucky weather to pick him up. I really don’t feel like going anywhere today. I know the roads are going to be slick and awful. I rather walk than drive.

Pain has shot up again and I all I did was go downstairs after making myself lunch. Damn thing always acts up when I am on my feet for more than ten minutes. I had to come back to my room to take some pain meds. People keep asking me what I am doing and I tell them nothing. I won’t tell them about my writing because I am not sure I am writing anything other than my blog. It is so hard because if I was working, it would be a different story. Not too many people know about my ankle injury. Now I have to go to a party and pretend that all is well with me. I rather say fuck that and stay in my room but it’s my little sister’s party and I want to be there.

One thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

One thing

I am having a lazy day and there has been stuff that I need to do. So I did just one thing, brought my recycles down to the recycle bin. Now I don’t have empty bottles of water and powerade around my room.

I am getting a little worried. I haven’t peed in more than 8 hours now despite drinking. I am worried that I am retaining because of the increase in my muscle relaxer last night. It can happen, I was warned this could happen. Muscle relaxers and broken nerves sometimes have the opposite affect. I am trying to drink water as I know within an half hour, I usually go. I will take a shower then as I desperately need one. I stink of BO really bad. I don’t use deodorant anymore because what is the point if you don’t go out all the time. Even when I do, I have to try and remember to use it but usually I am not washed so I don’t care. If I am smelly, I won’t go out until I shower, unless it is a quick run to the drug store to pick something up. Other than that, I don’t leave the house unless it is an emergency.

I am playing “Jake Owen” radio on Pandora for most of the day. Awesome country music, almost all my favorite songs. I added Ed Sheeran to the mix and they played my wedding song, or what will be my wedding song one day. That is if I ever get married. I don’t have high hopes for that happening but in case it does, I am covered.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was having side effects again. I thought I would let her know that I am taking the Abilify every other night for the past two weeks because of the side effects are really wearing on me and they hurt. I told her my forearms gets spastic and my left hand clenches and I cannot open it until the Ativan kicks in. Last night was not as bad as it has been. I think taking it every other day has helped and I haven’t been psychotic, delusional, or paranoid. My think is coherent and not clustered like it sometimes get when I am delusional. I hope this continues because I really don’t want to end up in the hospital because I skipped a dose every other day. I just can’t stand the side effects. They are very uncomfortable.

I just went to the bathroom. Whoo! Now I don’t have to worry that I am retaining. It would suck to have to go to the ER to be catheterized. It is something that scares me when I don’t go more than 6 hours. I once went 12 full hours and when I went, I was mega full. I swore I had two bladders by then because I just kept on going and going. I swore I would never let that happen again. I am wearing a pad because of my menses so if I have overflow, I am not going to know. It just sucks.

I made pasta and sauce for dinner. It is my favorite meal. I could have it every day. My mother then grabs me (figuratively) and gives me a list of things to do while she goes out to my cousin’s birthday party. I got the clothes out of the dryer, folded them and put them where they belong. My next task will be done when I am finished with this blog. I have to put the cookies she made away in a container. I have to fish out the lid first. That is always fun! NOT. Then I have to put the dough away in the fridge. And finally, I need to wash the dishes I used for my dinner. PFT. I hate washing dishes with sauce. It just smells terrible when you mix soap with tomato sauce. I really hate it. But I told my mother I would do it because her back hurts her really bad today. Probably because of the weather. It is very stormy today, with high winds and rain. My ankle is throbbing but not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe the baclofen, new medicine I am on, is helping me. I just hope it was not the cause of my retention. That would really suck!!

Day three and still no bowel accidents. I am so grateful for that. I am hoping it won’t happen again. I have been careful with eating fiber as I know that just goes right through me, literally. I have only one bowl of my mini wheats a day now and I have noticed a decrease in gas. I am so glad I figured this out, though it was the hard way to find out. But that is what cauda equina syndrome does to you. One minute you think you are passing air, and the next it’s all stool. It sucks big time.

post 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not so great day

I got an email from my elusive psychiatrist today. Apparently she fell yesterday and broke her hip. She won’t be in the office for some time so we are now email buddies. This sucks. I feel bad for her being in pain and cooped up, but I miss her, too. The doctor covering her I don’t know. So I guess my blogs are going to be sent to her to provide updates on how I am doing. It will save me from having to type twice.

I then get an email from my dear friend that his wife has breast cancer and it might be metastatic. They won’t know until they operate. I feel so useless. All I can do is send out good thoughts to both parties and hope for the best in speedy recoveries. I hope to god that the cancer is caught in time and she only needs a few treatments of chemo or radiation to help her heal. My good friend in the lab has breast cancer and it is a scary road to be on. She is currently fighting another cancer caused by the medication to prevent her cancer, weird huh? I haven’t spoken to her since she had her uterus taken out and a drain put in. It’s hard to talk to people when they don’t answer the phone or call you back. But I am thinking of her none the less. I saw her in the lab a few weeks ago when I visited. She looked good. I hope that she is good. She is a fighter and I know my friend’s wife is too.

The only good news I got today was that I sold 4 copies of my book today. That is the most that I have sold in the last 3 months. I am so glad I sold that many books and hope the sales continue to rise.

I got to make way for the AC to be taken out of the window. It is supposed to be cold this weekend, with snow a possibility and I would like my room not to freeze because I am not sure when my mother is going to turn the heat on. All ready my room is cold as measured by the temp of my water bottles. I am okay under my blankets and wearing a long sleeved T shirt. I may move to a hoodie later as I know the temp is going to drop come night fall. I would take out the AC myself but I have a bad back and I am too scared I might drop it on my toes. That would hurt and suck at the same time!

HA, I think it is funny that my sister and I have been avoiding my father for the past two days now because we know he is going to blow his stack when we tell him what we have to tell him. It isn’t going to be pleasant to listen to his roar. I can almost hear him slamming down the phone after I tell him. This is going to suck so bad but he needs to know. It’s not bad news or anything, just something he was expecting to happen next week isn’t going to happen.

I haven’t had a bowel accident in two days. Lucky me. I hope this continues. It really sucked having to change my sheets the other night and find places to put my “office” stuff. I use half of my bed as an office as I only sleep on one side. I had to take the stuff off anyway as it had been a month since I last changed the sheets. I am really bad at changing them on a consistent basis. But it hurts me too much to change them. I wish one of my sisters would help me but they can’t be bothered so I stopped asking for their help.

Despite it being cold, my pain level is okay. I think I can try and do all three PT exercises today and see what happens. Hopefully they won’t cause me too much pain.

900th Blog Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

900th post

I thought of reviewing the book “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes, but I never got around to it. It will make its way to this blog one day just not today. Maybe my 1000th blog.

I had therapy this morning. I was really sleepy so didn’t really want to talk. She called me a new name and now I forgot it. It was really funny at the time. Maybe if I can get back to that sleepy state of mind I can remember it.

She asked me about my suicidality a few times. I basically told her I had no means to kill myself with. And because I don’t, I don’t want to try. Sure I can go down to the basement and see if I can kill myself there but I really don’t think I can pull it off. I have too much going on with me. I asked her if she still needs me to be around. And she almost got choked up. Answer was yes. I felt like I had to ask because we haven’t seen each other in so long. I was wondering if talking with her was still worth it.

I don’t know if I am suicidal enough to warrant being in the hospital. Sure, I rather be dead because I hate living in pain all the time. I cooked dinner tonight and then went to pick up my niece. My ankle had a heart attack by the time I came back home. It was really hurting and upset with me.

It’s 0530 am. I just realized that I didn’t send this out so I might as well keep writing. I finally got my ankle to calm down some. I had broken sleep but any sleep at this point and I will take it. I just took a muscle relaxer because I forgot to take it with my night time meds. I have to call the doc today and let him know how I am doing with it. I don’t think there has been much change in the pain department like he was hoping. I might be on a too low a dose or maybe I need to take it more during the day. I don’t know. I have been taking it at least twice a day since I got started on it. I was desperate for pain relief because I was running low on my pain meds. If the muscle relaxer just helped me to sleep, I would be ok but it doesn’t even slow me down. Very disappointing. I hope he doesn’t change to another med because I just can’t afford it. My last 10 bucks has to go toward getting Powerade so I can take my meds at night. I can’t take it with water because I hate the taste of meds with it. I got to have something else to take the taste away. I just hope the drink is on sale this week.

Because I messed up on getting my refill on my BCP, I now have my menses. With all the drama of last week with my father, I just plain forgot to call my doc and refill the pills. This sucks because I don’t know how long I will have it for. It has been two months since my last period so I am hoping it will end soon. I am going to restart the pill again on Sunday anyway, even if I am still continuing to bleed. It is so frustrating for me because it still proves I am in the wrong body and that makes me sad. I had a dream that I told my mother off. Maybe I am getting closer to telling her my true feelings. I don’t know. Funny how two people can live together yet not really know one another, even if we are related. I hope one day that dream comes true and then I can live my life the way its meant to be lived. I don’t have to be in the closet anymore about my true self. Not like I am hiding now, but I just don’t talk about it. And if I go ahead with the transition, that would be awesome. But I think that will be a dream. My therapist brought up gender dysphoria while we were talking and I guess that is where the source of my dream came from. I just really want to grow a beard and have a mastectomy. That is all I want. If I could donate my breasts for transplants, I would in a heart beat. But alas, that is one tissue that can never be transplanted. Such a shame. Breast cancer doesn’t run in my family so I can’t even go for a medical reason. And they are not too large enough for a reduction. But then, I don’t want a reduction. I want them GONE!!