Category: blogging

Year end Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache

Year end blog

I thought and thought about what I would write today. I guess I should say that I am still here, alive. I can’t say that I am well because I am in pain at the moment. Damn ankle didn’t like me going out today.

I had a good year overall. I got my book done. An email from my idol saying he wishes my book is successful. I turned a corner in my psychache. I no longer feel it as much anymore. Though I still think about killing myself, the thoughts are less. I might have had a rough beginning to 2013 but I made it through even though there were times my life was tested. I don’t know what changed. I really think that my friend in Chicago really snapped me out of the funk that I was in. He is the reason why I am still here. He has a way about him that just makes me see things differently.

I got a ring on my finger that I got the beginning of the year. It was my reward for writing in December of 2012. I am not getting myself anything as expensive this year, not unless you count my editor, LOL. I hope that she does what I am expecting to and my money is well spent.

I don’t have any goals for the New Year. I can’t commit myself to anything because I never think that far ahead. I know there are going to be some changes in the New Year in regards to my insurance and possibly my student loans. I hope that my book is successful and I am able to pay the loans off and start going back to college to earn my degree.

I don’t have plans for the night. My sister is throwing her annual party. I bought some beer to have. I don’t know why I bought a six-pack. I probably will only have one beer and that will be it. I am not a beer drinker, in fact have only had two beers in my life time. But this year, I started wanting one for some strange reason. I find that one is all I need. I bought Sam Adams Winter Lager. I never had a lager before so I am hoping it is good.

I still can’t believe that I am not going bonkers about Konrad Michel writing back to me. Or that my consultant wishes me well with success for my book. I still feel blah and I don’t think that is ever going to change. Sure I might not be suicidal anymore but feeling nothing, no joy or pleasure sucks. Even my annoying game hasn’t been fun anymore. I just keep playing out of habit and the fact that I will get far behind if I don’t keep up with it. I even bought horseshoes and that didn’t get me far, nor did it make me happy. I chocked it up as an entertainment expense but it really is not entertaining me anymore. I hate to think what would happen if I was working. I would get so behind it would be impossible to get caught up. I still have three active pages of missions to do. I don’t know why I am talking about my game. Unless you play it, you have no idea what I am talking about, LOL.

Bottom line is that I am still feeling low. I am forcing myself to go out of the house even though the coffee that I have been drinking doesn’t have the same appeal it once did. I ended up throwing away most of it. I just couldn’t drink it. I miss my Isla Flores and Blue Java. Now they have a Mexican coffee but I have been too afraid of getting it for fear of liking it. They don’t even have my Hawaiian coffee anymore. I should have bought it when I had the chance. So I am just left with getting lattes and mochas. I really want a good cup of hot chocolate but keep forgetting to order it. It sucks that my one joy has now become mute to me. I just go to Starbucks out of habit more than a need to get a cup of Joe. It just breaks up the monotony. I hope that this mood that I am in changes. I really don’t like it.

2013 in review

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

rambling 62

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide attempt survivor

For want of a latte

I really want a latte today but it’s Sunday and it would take me at least 2 hours to get to Starbucks by public transportation. So I think I am just going to make a cup of coffee and work on my next book.

I know that I am technically not supposed to do any writing until the first/second of January but I am bored. I also know that I need to finished my ending for my book but I just can’t seem to focus on it. I think it’s done anyway and I don’t want to tinker with it.

I slept really good last night. I took my phone off the ringer and I am glad I did because I had like several messages from different apps that would have woken me up. I still am tired because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. I feel like I could go back to sleep and just sleep the day away. I don’t know why I don’t do that. It’s a dreary day anyways. I have no idea what time the Pats are playing today. Course, I am not that interested in watching them play. Last week was pathetic but we got the win. Well, it was pathetic on the other team’s side as we scored two touchdowns in the fourth quarter with in like two minutes. That made the score ridiculous. I could go online and check the time on NFL.com but why bother. I’ll know soon enough.

I cannot wait for baseball season to start. I miss it so very much. I started working on my next book chapter anyways and it sucks. I go on about how suicidal I am and what goes on and such. It’s lame. I don’t think I am going to touch it. I will hold onto it for sentimental reasons but I don’t think it will be included in the book as it is too depressing. I know my writing partner will want to be hopeful and cheery. But that is not how I write. I am not a cheery person, nor am I a positive person. I see the glass as half empty.

I need to shower today. My menses have stopped! Finally I get a breather! It’s back to boxers!! Maybe I will after I write this. I think in addition, I will include a writing about Aeschi in my next blog. I realized I don’t have a blog post that is just on the subject. I have one on CAMS but not Aeschi. That will give me something to focus on in the New Year. It will be really interesting where the New Year will lead me. I will have my first book published. I am kind of scared and happy this is going to happen. And the hardest part of this is that my family has no clue this is happening. Sure my sisters sort of know about it but my mother has no clue. Her family doesn’t have a clue. Some of them are on Facebook so they might have a clue. I don’t know. We aren’t exactly a close family. I know my father has no clue nor would I want him to. The book isn’t something that he would be showing off with pride because it deals a lot with my suicide demons. I still get frustrated when my co-writing friend calls me a “suicide attempt” survivor. I still don’t know why that is. Maybe it is just that I feel like I am being labeled and I don’t like to be labeled or there is a hint of shame in that that I am suppressing. Whatever it is, I am really hurt by it. But it’s true and that is the sad part.

I don’t think hurt is really the word I am looking for. Embarrassed? I don’t know. But when she says it, I just feel something and it is hurtful. Question is why. I guess when I talk with my therapist on Thursday I will ask her.

still feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Still feeling blah. I was talking to my cousin about this and he said it’s similar to being numb. He’s right. It is similar. I hate feeling this way. He is feeling the dead inside feelings I used to have. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t know how I am supposed to live like this. This is going on almost two weeks now, for me anyways. I am just waiting for the suicidal thoughts to come back. But then, I don’t really need to be suicidal to kill myself.

I had a very rude awakening this morning. My fucking bastard father called me at six-thirty this morning for shits and giggles. I am not kidding. Woke me up from a sound sleep. I got really friggen mad, so mad I couldn’t go back to sleep. I hung up on the friggen turkey brain. I didn’t care. If he called back I was going to lay into him. Now I don’t give a damn about him. He has the appointment for his blood work on Monday, and he is going alone. I am not going with him. Fuck him. I don’t need to be there anyways, just to make sure he fucking goes. I got to call his GI doc again on Monday because that idiot didn’t call me back or let me know they called in the prescription. I also have to call the Ophthal people back on Monday for my own appointment. Monday is going to be busy.

I can’t wait till my therapist is back. I miss talking with her. She is not going to be happy about my father. He is such a jerk. I should call him at three in the morning when I wake up just to show him. But I am not going to because I am the more mature person. Who the hell does that?? Calling someone at six-thirty in the morning, for fun??? God I am so pissed just thinking about it. I am so done with him. Let my sisters deal with his stupid ass.

I didn’t go out today because once I got back to a normal temper, my foot went out of whack. I took some pain meds and then was out till about two. I needed the nap. I just ordered Thai food. It was good. I wish it had less chicken. I really just like the noodles.

I got my MP3 player and Taylor’s “Lucky One” is playing. Yesterday I was just thinking how my father always said I was a nothing and even a school teacher told me I was a nothing. Now I am rubbing elbows with some of the top suicidologists in the country and in Switzerland. I know I should be feeling joy or happiness. Or even feeling like a lucky one, but I don’t. I am trying hard to overrule my childhood programming but it’s not easy. I still haven’t heard back from the guy about what I wrote to him. I wrote about my synopsis of the book. Maybe he isn’t in the office and that is why he hasn’t responded. It was late in the afternoon when I wrote. And Switzerland is at least six hours ahead of us. Maybe I will get a response on Monday.

I guess in a way, you can say I am the “lucky one”. Who would have thought that I would be a writer in such a short period of time and be able to write a book that is close to being published. I do hope it is successful but not too successful. Course, if it sells a million copies, then I will be happy and won’t care. But like I said before, I will be happy with just 100 copies sold.