Category: blogging

Don’t feel anything but blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t feel anything but blah

I had an exciting day. The coeditor of the Building a therapeutic alliance book has totally said it was ok for me to write about the Aeschi model in my book. I am very excited about this. To know more about the Aeschi model, you can read this blog here. It’s in the middle of the blog.

I know I should be feel ecstatic but I don’t for some reason. I liked that the guy gave me some more stuff on the Aeschi model to do some more research into it, but it was just general stuff. He also gave me his chapter in the book. OMG I should be jumping up and down (well not really but you get how I should be feeling). I just don’t understand why I am not feeling joy.

I guess I am just feeling like a nothing and this guy doesn’t think I am nothing if he is letting me acknowledge him in my book. But I just feel so blah. I don’t get it. An author I highly respect emails me back and says I can acknowledge his work in my book and I don’t feel anything but blah? I guess it just hasn’t hit me yet. I know this guy doesn’t know me and I don’t really know him. I know his works as I have read his professional papers and stuff. But I have never met the guy. And I just wrote to him telling him my life story. I am thinking I might have scared him off with that.

But then, if he gets scared easily with my multiple ideas of suicide, then how does he deal with it in his practice? Silly me. I did nothing but praise the guy. I know it isn’t exactly his model. It’s just common sense. I should just write a paper about Aeschi. I thought I wrote about it in my blogs but I can’t find it. I forgot what I called it. I know it’s there because the blog is in my book.

I had a good day, even if I am feeling blah. I realized today that I am neither happy nor depressed. I just don’t feel anything. I guess it is just anhedonia, another symptom of depression. And this time it is very thick. Usually I am ok with it but not being able to feel pleasure with things I used to enjoy bothers me. I find it hard to write when I am in this state. I also find that I am easily distracted to things. Music, for example, is distracting me as I write this. I have to concentrate on the lyrics for some reason when I am like this. Facebook is also distracting me. I just can’t concentrate on what I want to write. It is frustrating as all hell.

I might be depressed, but at least I am not thinking/planning on killing myself. Don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I keep waiting for the big hurt to come that causes me to think of killing myself. My pain, as much as it has flared recently, has been bearable. I don’t feel psychache. I don’t feel any type of psychological pain in a long time. The heaviness in my chest that was there before is gone. Maybe I have turned a corner. Maybe the suicide demons have gone away.

can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours and have not been successful. My mind keeps thinking about things, mostly about how I have not been thinking of suicide the past few days and it just seems odd. How can I go from thinking about suicide every day to not thinking about it at all? Weird. I also have been in pain the past hour or so. I just took something for it.

I am feeling like I should be doing something. But it’s one thirty in the morning. I thought I would write as it just seems like that always brings my thoughts down and makes them go away enough that I can actually sleep. But my I just realized all I had to eat today was some eggs with ham and a few doughnuts. That was quite a while ago. I didn’t have supper. I wanted to order out but I took a nap instead, which is probably why I can’t go back to sleep. I keep looking, well actually scrolling, through Facebook on my phone and going on twitter but nothing new is happening.

I really feel like I should be dead or something. This living thing is hard to really think about. I don’t know what my life is going to be like now. I still have thoughts of buying a cemetery plot and a casket. I really want to buy a casket. I know that is really morbid but it is how I feel. So I might not be suicidal but I still think about death and dying. It is not the same as wanting to kill myself because I am not planning my death. I am just wondering what it would be like if I were dead. I wonder if people will think about me in the same way. I know my mother would be heartbroken. I could careless what my father feels. I don’t know how my sisters will feel.

I have been thinking about reading something. But writing is much more fun. I have been trying to get into the new book called “far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon but it stirs up too many feelings. I am having a hard time reading it so you know it is a good book. It talks about homosexuality and disability. Both of which I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, I just am. I like women. But seeing as I am a transgender, I guess that would make me straight. I don’t know if I ever will be the man I am meant to be. It seems like it is too difficult to try and do. I hate being called “her” or “she”. Some parts of me just feels like I have to accept it. But it hurts when I try and settle for the wrong gender pronouns. I am sure my father wouldn’t like to be called a her. I had some stubble growing again on my chin. He said I should shave. The stubble was irritating me anyways so I did. I then felt bad. I don’t know why I did it. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. But at least I know that it will grow back.

When I was working, I always shaved it off. I liked the idea of shaving every day. I wouldn’t touch my mustache but I would shave my goatee. Now that I am no longer working, I just don’t shave anymore unless I feel like it or I have to go some place important. I don’t know if I will ever take hormones to be a man. I would love to but I don’t know if I can at this stage of the game.

Well, my meds seem to be kicking in right now so I am going to try again to get some sleep.

the waiting game

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I slept for about six hours before I woke up again to pain. I took some more meds and went back to sleep a few hours later. I don’t know why it took almost two hours for it to work. Usually within an hour I am zonked. Anyways, I am still hurting and swollen but not as much as it was last night. I am kind of in a pissed/depressed mood because I can’t go anywhere. I just came back from going to Walgreens and think that was too much.

A friend of mine called yesterday to invite me to dinner Monday night but I don’t think I will be able to make it if my foot is not better. I won’t put myself in the position of not being able to walk the distance I have to. Plus Monday I need to go with my father to get his blood work done again. They need to repeat some values as his liver function is compromised. I won’t go into detail as to why.

I really wanted to get my hair cut today but there is no way I can walk down the street. Just going to the store has caused me tremendous pain. I don’t see my primary until next Friday. I hope that this clears up by then, whatever it is.

When I did wake up later this afternoon, I woke up feeling dizzy. I thought it was because I had not eaten or drank anything all day so had something to eat and drink. Didn’t help. I think I might go back to bed. I don’t know why I feel like I am hung over. I think it might just be that I am dehydrated and once I drink some water, I will be ok. I really need to stay off my foot. This so sucks. I mean normally my foot always hurts but this is different. It feels like I am stepping on something but it could just be that my foot is so swollen that is what I am stepping on. It’s just so frustrating. And because my foot has nerve damage, I can’t decipher what is really going on with my foot. There is no break in the skin, I didn’t bang it, nor did I do anything out of the ordinary to cause this. It might have been that I stepped wrong when I took my little tumble on the stairs on Monday but I mostly banged my hip. But I am going to just treat it like a sprain and just ice and elevate it.

I still have my stupid menses. This is going on three weeks now. I am just so frustrated and pissed off. Sadly there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run its course. I stopped taking the pill this week hoping that would speed things up but it hasn’t. I am hoping it goes away in the next few days because I am planning on restarting the pill on Sunday.

I made a couple of web appointments for ophthalmology. Funny thing is they wanted you to pick a doctor but how can you pick a doctor when you don’t know any of them?? So I picked one out of the twenty or so and hope that it is the one that can figure out my problem. Now I just have to wait for the office to call me back. I hate the waiting game.

Christmas Day 2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Christmas Day 2013

Today was not a great day. Sure I got material things and spent time with my family. That part was good. But I stood too long between making squash last night and today. I am trying my best not to panic because I can’t move my toes on my bad foot. It is very swollen and hurts really bad. I know that is the reason why I can’t move my toes rather than a disc problem. But telling my panic system that has been, so far, difficult to do.

I also did a lot of stair climbing between yesterday and today, more so today than yesterday. Taking the fall the other day didn’t help and I am now wondering if I somehow hurt the bottom of my foot. All I know is that my foot hurts from the bottom through the top of my foot. Surprisingly, my ankle hasn’t joined in the fun so I am guessing, I probably hurt my foot. My sister tried looking at it. She barely touched me and I was in agony. So something is going on, I just don’t know what. My sis advised me to see a foot doctor. I think I might have to in the New Year. I just hope the copay isn’t fricken $40 because he is out of network. I would see someone at my former place of employment that would be “in-network” but the doctors there are morons. I have yet to find a good doctor there other than for psychiatry and primary care. And this place is in the top ten for best hospitals in the US.

My friend in SA is doing ok despite being a quad. He hates it but knows that it is temporary. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Sure I can imagine it but to really know what it feels like, it is out of my league. But I can empathize with him. And be understanding.

I got Red Sox stuff for Christmas. I don’t know why that is as I am not a fan or anything (said with extreme sarcasm). No matter what, nothing is going to top this year’s World Series Championship. From last place to first is pretty special. And to win three times in a decade is awesome too. I am so proud of my sox.

I have been feeling blue most of the day. I guess the hyper stuff has gone away, least for now. I know I am down because I miss my family members that are no longer with me. I miss my uncles that have passed and seeing their wives, my aunts. My father only has three surviving family members. I just realized that one of my uncles passed away longer than I thought. I didn’t go to his wake or funeral. I just couldn’t bare it. I never really grieved for him. He was the uncle I wanted to marry when I was five. But I couldn’t because my aunt (his wife) would be very upset. I kind of hated my aunt, at the time, because of this. But I got over it. He still was a good uncle. Every Christmas he played Santa, least until he got very sick. He had kidney disease because of hypertension (high blood pressure). He died of kidney failure. Not a pleasant experience. When I was working in dialysis with my research studies, I always thought of him. My aunt (his wife) now has dementia pretty bad. She doesn’t always know when my father calls or knows who she is talking to. But then it runs in the family. My father is starting to lose it. But then my aunts are 89 and 92 and my father is 81. Pretty old! My favorite uncle died when he was 86. I miss him very much. He could have played Santa as he always had a big belly. We used to joke about it with him and he would laugh. Funny how you miss someone when they are really gone. You wish you had more time with them. I remember seeing him the day before he died. He had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side. He was in a coma and only survived for one day. He took another stroke the next day and that killed him. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it has been seven years now. He died the year I had my second diagnosis of CES and I was only weeks post op.

I also have been thinking of my little cousin that is in the Marines. He obviously isn’t so little if he in the military but he is the youngest son of my 1st cousin. I hear that the Marines are really pushing a battle in afghan where is now stationed so I am worried. I sent him a Christmas card. I do hope that he is ok and makes it home safely.