Category: blogging

Christmas Eve 2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Christmas Eve 2013

Did some food shopping and have not stopped eating since I came home. I got the hungry horrors. I know it is because I didn’t eat much yesterday. I had little appetite because I was sick from my migraine that I got to close the night off. I was wondering why I was nauseous all day. I never learn that it is due to migraine.

I am feeling sad. I just called my Godmother to say thank you for the birthday gift she gave me. She didn’t sound too good. She could barely hear me and her mouth was chattering due to her Parkinson’s disease. I feel really bad for her. I miss hanging out with her on this day. Christmas Eve was always the day to spend with family and then open presents at midnight after midnight mass. This year I am spending it alone. I am staying home, having a TV dinner and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I might watch Patrick Stewart’s version of the Christmas Carol if I am feeling up to it. The rest of my family (mother and sisters) are going down to my aunt’s house for their fish dinner. I don’t like fish so I am just staying home. I don’t like my aunt anyways.

I just want to have solitary tonight. Christmas doesn’t mean that much to me like it once did. I miss my father’s side of the family. But we don’t talk too much anymore.

The fall I took yesterday hurt my hip. I am really sore and found it difficult to find a comfortable position. I didn’t sleep well but what else is new.

night time blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Night time blog

I did nothing for my birthday. I stayed home listening to the rain fall and watched TV. My family came over and we had some laughs and some cake. I didn’t shower like I wanted to. I fell down the stairs and it kind of wiped out anything else that I was going to do. I am hurting and it’s worse now standing for even a few minutes. I will probably shower tomorrow.

I got a lot of presents that were just for my birthday, not Christmas like it usually goes. My Aunt gave me a Euro in a necklace that nearly choked me because the chain was too small. I like it but the chain didn’t fit right and was aggravating me the whole time I was wearing it. I usually to not wear necklaces. I will wear my Claddaugh ring, but that is only because I lost my high and junior high rings. Our middle school gave out rings because most of the graduates never finish high school. My starting freshman year was about 250 kids. Only about 150 graduated. Granted some had transferred to other schools (like my sister and a couple of my friends moved out of town) but the majority either dropped out because it was too hard or because they got pregnant. One of my friends didn’t graduate because she just couldn’t keep up with school work.

I edited my book for hopefully the last time before the editor sees it. I put in the indents in the paragraphs. I was reading it as I was going along, well, maybe not reading, skimming. And it still gives me chills on certain parts of the book. I know that part of it is because the book is so personal. I talk about every aspect of my life that has to do with my suicidality and the road to seeing therapists and psychiatrists. It was not an easy book to write. I do hope that someone can relate to some of the things I write in it. I know the title alone is a paragraph but I had to get CES into the title. There are no other books out there that deal with Cauda Equina Syndrome, not in the personal sense. People need to know about this syndrome because not all back pain is the same. And back pain can progress to CES if not taken cared of properly or if further injury makes it worse. I try to cover all aspects of getting CES in the book but I am not everyone. What happened to me, might not happen the same way to another person, even if we both had the same disc problem. CES is tricky to understand and most doctors do not know how to treat it, if they are able to recognize it in the first place. And this goes to radiologists too because they are the ones that interpret your MRI’s. They call something wrong because they haven’t seen it and you are fucked.

So this is how my day was. Nothing interesting. Except for the fall down a few steps. OUCH!

Midday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

There is Freezing rain outside today. I have decided not to go out. I got a few birthday messages, still have not gotten one from my therapist. I am sure she is just busy with her little one and will when she gets a chance.

For privacy reasons, I do not display my birthday like other folks do. I sometimes find it annoying to get birthday messages from people that I hardly talk to any other time of the year. Sometimes a day or two before I will display it. Not this year. I really don’t feel like dealing with messages as today is depressing me enough. My father called me around eleven and sung me an offtune Happy birthday. He didn’t sing it right but the sentiment was there. I asked him if I was going to see him tonight (see night blog when it is posted).

I have decided that I am going to write three blogs today. I have been really bored since my writing stopped so might as well do something special for my birthday. I wrote my first blog when I first woke up at 1 am (0100, morning blog). The middle one is now and then the night time will be later after my birthday party, which I hope goes well and doesn’t last too long.

Rain is causing my back to hurt so I guess it is good that I didn’t go out today. My writing friend got back to me and looks like I will have to make indents to my book. I wrote the book like I do my blogs without indentations. OOPS. Now that should take me a couple of hours at least. I won’t do it today. Maybe tomorrow while I know I will have the house to myself and I can order Thai food. That is my Christmas and birthday present to me. It will be the only time I will be able to order food as my finances are going to be low this month. I messed up my checking account and because I am short, I am also short this month. Now I have to decide which to pay, cable or cell phone bill. It sucks living on disability. I wish I could be able to work but if I did, I doubt I would have time to write.

I am excited that I have another book to do. This one is going to take some crafting as it is going to be from our memories from a year ago. It will be based on blogs, journal entries, emails, and memories of our events as we saw them. It is going to be an intense book. My writer friend and I are going to be sifting through this during the new year and write monthly about it. I hope that it is more than a few paragraphs!

And I have a confession to make: I have been avoiding the dentist like a plague all year long. I have to see them because my teeth are starting to hurt and I think I have a loose filling in one of them. I saw the number on my phone today (I looked up to see if the number was still in my contacts) but that was as far as I went. I am just a chicken when it comes to the dentist. I hate the scraping and I know after almost three years of not going regularly, there is going to be some scraping! Plus I don’t brush my teeth on a regular basis so that doesn’t help either. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out yet. But I will call the day after Christmas. Maybe they will have an opening next week or something. I had a good dentist but he was in NH, a long ride for me without a car. I thought I would be able to keep them as I would have the research job and therefore have a car no matter what. Well that turned out to be false. I really miss my research job. I miss the independency of working alone to get a job done.

Well that is all for now.

rambling 061

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did nothing today. Tried to get caught up with my DVR shows that I recorded. Watched about four shows then got bored. I don’t know how I can watch four straight hours of baseball with no problem but can’t watch TV shows. I used to be able to watch them all night long. I don’t know what has changed. It is weird.

My mood has been quiet all day. I woke up around noon time. I had another bad night sleeping. I knew I was going to be in pain and kept waking up with it. Today, the pain is not so bad. I still hurt but it is manageable. I will be going to bed soon anyways. Think I am going to read a little until I pass out.

My mother baked all day so the house was full of baking smells. She made my birthday cake and some other goodies. I was able to talk her into getting a pizza for supper. She said that is my Christmas gift.

I think the extra mood stabilizer is helping. I knew it would. I have not been agitated all day or hyper/restless. I do have to take my night time meds soon. I can’t believe the day is gone. I don’t know where time went. I did help my mother with some of the baking, but other than that and watching my shows, I don’t know where the day went. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. And I am dreading Monday.

I got to find my DVD case. I want to watch “It’s a wonderful life”. It’s my favorite Christmas movie, right next to the “Christmas Carol”. I am going to see if the Patrick Stewart version will be playing this year. I might have missed it but I am hoping it will be on now that it is closer to Christmas. It is probably the only version that I have not seen.

My viewership is down the past few days. I barely have made twenty views a day. I am kind of saddened by this. I was doing good for a while, getting close to thirty and now it is next to nothing. My viewer from Taiwan hasn’t viewed my blog in the last week or two. I hope that person comes back. I like when I get international followers.

I have not heard from my writing friend over the last few days, ever since we said we were going to take a writing break. I hope it is because of computer problems and not my response to her email. It is strange not hearing from her. She could also be having problems with her email so I just sent it to another email, just in case there is a problem. Or maybe she is just too busy to respond to my emails. That could be it too.

I am worried about two friends. If they are reading this I hope they know that I think about them frequently, even if I don’t always call them. One is about to have surgery and will be temporarily become a quad. I am worried what this will do to his mental health more than anything. The other friend is having family issues and mentioned in an email that she is thinking of taking her life. I don’t know what to do. I know she emails once a day so I am hoping to hear from her tomorrow. I haven’t seen her on Facebook today but my news feed is so clogged with my games I might have missed her post if she posted. Even on my phone I am getting games feed. I never used to before the stupid fucking updates and other Facebook changes they have made. I can’t hide the feed because then I won’t be able to get rewards. But I hope my friend is ok and hasn’t done anything rash.