Category: depression

New Phone and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Phone and Other Things

I finally got my new phone. I am going to cringe when I get my first bill. They told me it will be $40 more than what I am paying but I didn’t see that in my contract so we’ll see. I am very tired as I walked a long way to get the phone because I didn’t have a car to get me there. I did alright but I am sure going to be sore tomorrow. I placed the phone in the otterbox. Now I can’t get it out! The buttons don’t match up with the phone. UGH. I am going to have to take it to the store and see if they can fit it right because I don’t want to bend or break my phone! Just opening the box was a tricky thing!

I still am getting grief because I refuse to change my FB profile pic. My cousin just told me to “be happy”. FUCK YOU. Depression is what I have. I can’t be happy even if I wanted to. I rather be content but I don’t even get that at times. I am so tired of fighting this depression all the time and then having to deal with stigma, because that is what it is. If I was having a physical illness, they wouldn’t tell me to buck up or be happy. It just sucks. I really am angry at my cousin for saying that but then she is a bitch, so I have to try and take it with a grain of salt. I shut off the FB browser that I had open. I am sick of FB. I miss my game so badly and I think that is what is contributing to my depression. Sure, I play poker now and then, but I lose 20 hands to every 3 I win. It’s not fun losing.

Still rainy today, and much colder. They said the temp was going to drop over the next few days. I hope it downpours tonight so the baseball game is canceled. But since I have been out, no rain at all. It is going to be painful to watch them play if the game stays on. It just started raining! YAY!!

I have therapy today. I asked for an extra session, which is probably going to bite me in the ass but my mood sucks so it is justified. Might write another blog about it if I am up to it. I am really tired so who knows. I am planning on taking my meds early tonight. The walk that I took to the Sprint store was WAY out of my league but I did it. I am proud that I was able to do it. I just wish I could do it every day. I would love to sit at Station Landing Starbucks rather than Davis. But getting to Davis is easier than Sta. Landing. Maybe when I get up to my walking distance, I will start going there to get my walking in. It has to be at least a mile walk to the Landing. It will be good exercise for me. According to the walking tracker I have, I did almost an hour walking. I probably won’t be able to do that two days in a row, but I think I can manage now that the weather is nicer. That is if I can convince myself to leave my room every day or every other day. It will have to depend on my pain levels. Everything depends on my pain levels.

Night Rants

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Night Rants

I am having a hard time sleeping because I am so pissed off. A friend of mine commented on my 😦 profile pic on Facebook, saying that I “should get rid of that shit and put on the other pic” as it wasn’t me. My experiment is a success. People cannot tolerate another’s sadness. It has to go underground in order for people to ignore it. Well, I am keeping the profile pic up. I responded with “if you don’t like my profile pic, unfriend me. I don’t need negativity in my life. This is how I feel on a regular basis so if you can’t deal with it, BYE!” I then got a response saying that they like the “smiling” face better. I am tired of the fake smiles. She obviously didn’t get the point I was/am trying to make. It is so frustrating.

Then I was in a chat where a fella was arguing about suicide training. I really wanted to ask him if he had any training, whatsoever, that made him think he was superior than what my friend was trying to make in her statements. That really, really ticked me off. It’s bad enough that I can’t see my therapist because she is miles and miles away from me because I don’t have a car. I can’t see someone close to me because I don’t have the right “criteria” to be seen. I am too much of a high risk because of my suicidal history. I kid you not. When I found out that my therapist was making her home office 30 miles away from me, I called not one, not two, not three therapists but 10!!! And they ALL said the same thing. They would refer me to another therapist or clinic. One therapist, to be fair, I couldn’t see because she was on the 3rd floor of an apartment building with no elevator and I couldn’t make it up the stairs. So she said happy hunting. I wish I could have seen my Twitter buddy that is in the town over by me. Maybe he would be helpful to me, even though, at the time, we weren’t Twitter buddies. I wasn’t even active in Twitter land. My psychiatrist even tried finding me a therapist and that didn’t work out. You just mention suicide and there is a shut down of communication. Or people go berserk and flip out into hyperdrive. The question on the table that started it all was if a patient was in distress, should a healthcare provider respond to that distress on social media (social media are things like Facebook and Twitter). It was an interesting discussion but after a while, I lost interest. I had nothing to comment on and what I did, it wasn’t being responded to. I left half way through the chat.

I texted my “hubby” about people being jerks and he responded on my FB page about it. I had to laugh. It was so out of context it was funny. I call him my “hubby” because of an old joke I played on a coworker. She didn’t know I was gay and when my friend (hubby) and I started to have dinner together, she thought we were married because I had my claddaugh ring on my 4th finger on my left hand. She thought it was a wedding band. Since then, he became my hubby, though if his ex-wife ever found out, I think I would be dead.

My foot is starting to bother me and maybe I should listen to the voices telling me to take my pain medication. I hate taking the pills because they are so bitter. I have to swallow them quickly or they begin to melt, causing them to further be difficult to swallow. I would take them but I feel sick, probably because I haven’t took my night time meds and I am still not sleep. I sometimes get nauseous if I am sleepy and can’t sleep. But my tummy is doing flip flops for some reason. I don’t think it liked the combination of cole slaw and potato salad. I think I will stop here. I ran out of gas for my rants anyways.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!

Saturday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up last night after sleeping after dinner. It was around 2230 and then I stayed up till 0300. I tried transferring music from my phone to my external 64GB card but it kept giving me errors. I finally finished the transfer. Took five tries, but I got it done. I just hope it works when I play it on my new phone. I also transferred all my pics on my current phone to the card.

I had my groceries delivered today. Luckily, everything I ordered was in stock. Last time, my hamburger buns weren’t in. I am craving a weird sandwich. Just with hamburger bun, cheddar cheese, and pickles. I had hamburgers last night and a steak for lunch so I am good with meat right now. Guess I just want a meatless sandwich. I also got my S’Mores cookies. They are really good but they are sweet. And the package is smaller than a regular Oreo package. Kind of disappointing.

I have been feeling kind of depressed the past day or so. I pulled a chest muscle while moving the powerade to another room in my house. I always seem to pull this chest muscle whenever I lift anything heavy. It sucks. Doesn’t help my mood. Course, according to the experts, people with depression are more likely to die from heart attack or stroke. Just what I always remember when my chest hurts. I am not having any other symptoms of a heart attack, like shortness of breath, pain down my arm, or sweating or feeling nauseous. My ankle hurts, a lot, today because I have been doing the stairs more. Seems every time I get up to my room, I realize I forgot something or have to go to the bathroom. It is so frustrating. I don’t know why my bladder can’t tell me I need to go when I am on the lower level. It has to wait until I am comfy in my bed to let me know it has to go.

I didn’t have coffee today. I had a plan to make it but after I had the steak, I really didn’t want it anymore. So I am tired. But that could be the pain meds talking. I had to take one to get my ankle pain under control. I might have to take another pill as one just doesn’t seem to be doing it.

I can’t wait to listen to the Sox game tonight. I missed it yesterday because I slept. I caught the 8th inning and they were losing 5-4. Final score was 7-4 so I didn’t miss much. Bullpen came apart from what I gather. I am so sick of losing but it’s something to do while doing nothing.

Apart from the groceries being delivered and tangling with my computer to make files transfer, I haven’t done anything today. I have been meaning to read Dostoevsky but I just don’t have the brain power. I really just want to nap until game time. I ordered a self help book in my last order from Amazon. I really can’t wait to read it.

I haven’t thought about my writing activity from my therapist in the last few days. I think I am going to just write it up on paper and then type it up so I can “blog” it. She gave me the perimeters on what to write. I don’t like them but I will try and do it anyway. I will probably start sometime tonight, after the game.