Category: depression

Saturday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up last night after sleeping after dinner. It was around 2230 and then I stayed up till 0300. I tried transferring music from my phone to my external 64GB card but it kept giving me errors. I finally finished the transfer. Took five tries, but I got it done. I just hope it works when I play it on my new phone. I also transferred all my pics on my current phone to the card.

I had my groceries delivered today. Luckily, everything I ordered was in stock. Last time, my hamburger buns weren’t in. I am craving a weird sandwich. Just with hamburger bun, cheddar cheese, and pickles. I had hamburgers last night and a steak for lunch so I am good with meat right now. Guess I just want a meatless sandwich. I also got my S’Mores cookies. They are really good but they are sweet. And the package is smaller than a regular Oreo package. Kind of disappointing.

I have been feeling kind of depressed the past day or so. I pulled a chest muscle while moving the powerade to another room in my house. I always seem to pull this chest muscle whenever I lift anything heavy. It sucks. Doesn’t help my mood. Course, according to the experts, people with depression are more likely to die from heart attack or stroke. Just what I always remember when my chest hurts. I am not having any other symptoms of a heart attack, like shortness of breath, pain down my arm, or sweating or feeling nauseous. My ankle hurts, a lot, today because I have been doing the stairs more. Seems every time I get up to my room, I realize I forgot something or have to go to the bathroom. It is so frustrating. I don’t know why my bladder can’t tell me I need to go when I am on the lower level. It has to wait until I am comfy in my bed to let me know it has to go.

I didn’t have coffee today. I had a plan to make it but after I had the steak, I really didn’t want it anymore. So I am tired. But that could be the pain meds talking. I had to take one to get my ankle pain under control. I might have to take another pill as one just doesn’t seem to be doing it.

I can’t wait to listen to the Sox game tonight. I missed it yesterday because I slept. I caught the 8th inning and they were losing 5-4. Final score was 7-4 so I didn’t miss much. Bullpen came apart from what I gather. I am so sick of losing but it’s something to do while doing nothing.

Apart from the groceries being delivered and tangling with my computer to make files transfer, I haven’t done anything today. I have been meaning to read Dostoevsky but I just don’t have the brain power. I really just want to nap until game time. I ordered a self help book in my last order from Amazon. I really can’t wait to read it.

I haven’t thought about my writing activity from my therapist in the last few days. I think I am going to just write it up on paper and then type it up so I can “blog” it. She gave me the perimeters on what to write. I don’t like them but I will try and do it anyway. I will probably start sometime tonight, after the game.

Random 284

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up early this morning, around 0630. I did a few errands, including grocery shopping. I needed some more powerade and it was on sale this week. After that, I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast and coffee. They just came out with a NEW Brazil coffee and oh my god, is it good! It’s like drinking chocolate milk! I love it. I bought a bag of the old Brazil because I didn’t want to run out. My summer coffee will the new Brazil, iced! I am so happy I have a coffee that I like again.

I did some writing but then I got really sleepy. Taking pain medication before leaving the house will do that. So I went to the meat market and got some burgers for dinner tonight. I really wanted to buy cod but it was way too expensive. I bought it a few weeks ago when it was only around eight dollars. Now it was between thirteen and fourteen dollars! My mother would have killed me if I bought it. So I didn’t.

On the way to the Square, my father’s doctor’s office called with his lab results. Not good. He has to stop taking his medication for a few days and then go back to taking it on Sunday. UGH. My little plan of doing nothing didn’t work. I hope they call the lab that goes to his apartment so I don’t have to take him to the lab like I did yesterday.

I was in a foul mood when I came home. Everything was annoying me. The hamper that I need to clean out was bugging me and overwhelming me. My foot hurt really bad, the bad one, not the one I banged up. I was tired. I felt like I could cry. I didn’t cry but I just took an Ativan and went to sleep. Then the text messages and phone calls kept coming in. For crying out loud!! My sister called saying there was no power at the school and would I be available to pick up my niece should they cancel school. I said I would. She said she would text me if I needed to pick her up. And wouldn’t you know, everyone and their mother decided to text me after that point. It was all my Twitter stuff. I get text messages from the people I follow and they were tweeting up a storm. Fucking figures. Then I was getting retweets and favorites for the tweets that I sent out. I get text messages for those as well. I should have just shut the phone off but my luck, my sister would have texted me and I would have missed it. I fell asleep after the mayhem, for an hour or two. I still am tired but I think that is because I haven’t had lunch yet. I just had the rest of a vegan chocolate chip cookie that was left over from last night’s dinner. It was good but it wasn’t enough to fill me up. I will be eating dinner with my mother soon, which is why I was hoping the cookie would stave off the hunger for a little while.

My sister was telling me a story last night. They are building a new condo place down the street from me. The construction people are having difficulty because it’s all slate rock. Now there has been talk of blasting the place so they can dig deeper to build an underground garage. That is crazy. How can they blow up something in a residential neighborhood?? I really don’t want to hear the explosions. I will protest it. I am the one that has to hear the noise because I don’t work and am home more than half the time. I remember when I was working at the hospital, the people across the street did the same thing. They blasted their way to get to do what they need to do. The noise was awful. And I am sure it was no good for the patients. This went on for several days. I hated it. It sounded like a war zone or something. I really hope it doesn’t happen in my neighborhood. It will really suck.

My mother will be cooking! YAY! I hate cooking. I don’t mind the actual cooking part, I just HATE the clean up part.

I just got a retweet on my blog that I wrote last night. It was about my suicidal self being expressed. Apparently, I just need to find god and he will “save me”. I also need to take my responsibilities seriously. Whatever.

Third Blog of the Day: Suicidal Ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Okay, so this is my third blog of the day. I just feel the need to write as my brain is overloaded with this heatwave.

I love my new haircut but my mother doesn’t. My father didn’t see it today. I didn’t remove my baseball cap so he could comment on it. He was wondering why I didn’t shave my goatie I have going on. I usually trim it when I see him but I am tired of trimming it.

My brother in law put in my AC so my room is more tolerable now than it was earlier this afternoon. I am wicked tired. I should be sleeping but I feel like I should write. I got too much stuff on my mind. Like why am I not a boy. Why do I have to have female breasts. I feel like such a loser.

My therapist doesn’t know the week I plan on killing myself. I won’t be telling her. I have everything planned out, sort of. Only question is timing of it. I still need to give my psychiatrist her goodbye letter that I wrote a month ago. That is important to me. She needs to know what I have written. I think I will mail it the day I will die. Course, I am still ambivalent and might not go ahead with my plans. I still have not found a cyber person to take care of my social media accounts when I die. But then, I don’t think too many people pay attention to what I write so it might not be a big deal, especially on Twitter. I really don’t see too many people responding, but I could be wrong. I won’t know because I will be gone.

I wish I could say what my reasons are for killing myself. Pain is one. Being transgender is another. Living in a female’s body sucks. In June, I have to go for a pap smear because it’s been ten years since my last one. But I am wondering if it will be worth it at all seeing as I will be dead a few weeks after I am gone. It’s almost like, why bother? I go through the motions as if I want to live so no one has a clue I want to die. It’s not like it is written on my forehead.

Another reason I don’t want to live anymore is because I am tired of living a life I just don’t want to live. I am tired of breathing. I am tired of just being. I am tired of my life being such a struggle every day and no one noticing. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am never going to be a stellar writer. Hell, I can’t even sell 100 copies of my book. I can’t even give them away for free. That is how bad my book title is, perhaps. I am not looking for awards but a simple appreciation can go a long way. I am going to give the book away to the two people that have influenced the book the most. Then I am going to kill myself. I am such a loser. I keep thinking that this is wrong, that I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to go through with it. But I can’t help thinking that suicide is the answer for me. It will solve the pain piece. I won’t be in pain anymore. I can go to my death bed as a female like how every one sees me. My psychiatrist still sees me a female, not as a male. But then I have known her since I was a kid. I don’t blame her. How do you make that kind of transition? Even my eye doctor is the same way. It’s all confusing and rather than sort out the confusion, I rather die. I should maybe write a goodbye letter to my eye doctor. I have known him for more than twenty years. But how do I even begin to write something like that? He is a good guy. We have hung out together for a little bit, coffee and movies. I have even made him dinner a few times.

Then I think about my family and how devastated they will be when I am gone. It kills me. Some days I care and others I try not to. Knowing that I will be a source of their pain is not a fun thing to know. I try not to think about it because it always puts a stop gap measure in my planning. I love my sisters and my nieces and nephew. I know that this will hurt them beyond all measure. But I know they will get over my death with time. It is the one thing that I think keeps the suicidal demons going is knowing this. I don’t care how my aunts will react to my death. I worry that my mother will die of a broken heart. But then it will be her “daughter” and not her “son”. She wouldn’t have to deal with me becoming a man. And I think that is better for her.

Burning up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve done my errands for the day. Now I can take my pain meds for my ankle. I don’t have to drive anymore. Today is National Burger Day so I am thinking of ordering my favorite burger from my pizza place. It has avocados in it and I love it. But the rest of the Chinese food that I had for lunch really filled me up and the heat is making me sick. I don’t know if I could eat anything right now. Maybe later. It’s close to 90 degrees in my room. I have to bring that temp down if I am going to be comfortable. I feel like I am burning up.

I was talking with a fellow blogger today. We get a long really well. I hope the situation she is in gets better. She suffers from depression, like I do and it’s interfering with her getting well, or at least doing stuff around the house. I just want to tell her to leave it, so it doesn’t stress her out but I understand how things can pile up and then become unmanageable. I did some cleaning around my room today, which made me feel good. If the recycle bin wasn’t already overflowing, I would throw out what I have collected. It’s just old water and powerade bottles that have missed the basket. I didn’t realize I was such a bad shot until I moved stuff around so my brother in law can install the AC. Good thing I don’t play professional basketball! I’d stink like yesterday’s garbage.

Meeting with my father was interesting. He was in an aggravating mood. Damn guy just wouldn’t keep his hands to himself. Kept fake punching me or moving his papers so I couldn’t see my phone. God, he is so fucking annoying. But he needed to have his blood drawn today. I probably will get results hopefully tomorrow. I hope they are normal. Last time they were high. Before that, it was low. I give up. I just do what they tell me and then relay it in child speak to my father. 83 going on 5. Bastard is probably going to live to be 100. And why not, he has me doing all his medical stuff for him to keep him alive. I bring him to the best doctors (aside from his PCP, who is a jerk). But to him, I am just his secretary. Next week starts his other stuff that I won’t be too happy about. Every Thursday in June there is a medical appointment for him. God help me.

I really am feeling low and sick. Heat is not my friend. Since my nerve injury, I have grown intolerant to high temperatures. I hope this doesn’t mean I am stuck in my house until the heat wave is over, once the AC is in. I will venture out for my mocha. I think it’s going to be cooler next week. I hope so anyways. It’s not even June yet and it’s humid and yucky out. So shoot me if I am the first person to complain about the heat. Least there is a cool breeze now and then. I have my window open to try and air out my room and get the air circulating. I am really miserable.

I called my therapist today and asked her to answer my text about the abuse and whether I should write about it to her. She still hasn’t answered me. I hope she got the text. Both our phones have been acting up lately. My phone is having trouble answering phone calls. I ordered a new phone today. I will get my glasses next month. I need a lifeline and it is my phone. If I can’t get phone calls, what the hell is the purpose of the device? Today I was trying to call my father and the damn launcher crashed. I couldn’t do anything until it went through it’s shut down phase. Then things were alright again. It just kills me that this is happening just three years after my last upgrade. I guess the phone is only as good as the OS (operating system). I know they came out with a newer Android OS. It is on the newer phones. My cousin has the S5, which is what I will be getting. I can’t wait to use it. But it won’t come until possibly sometime over the weekend of next week. I had to order it because they didn’t have the phone in stock. It was kind of a hassle because they wanted me to “lease” the phone and I didn’t want that option. I wanted a 2yr agreement. Turns out I saved a dollar by ordering it in the store rather than online. Too funny. I complained about the customer service being not too friendly with my request. I hope that I have everything the same as I do. I know that I will be paying a little more each month with the new upgrade, but to me it’s worth it. It’s my phone and I can do what I want with it. I just hope I can do what I want with it, like putting music on it and such. The phone is going to have a 64GB external SD card so I can load my pics and music. I should probably do that tonight so I don’t have to do anything when the phone comes in. Just plug in and hope it all works!

Therapist just got back to me. I have some writing to do that is not going to pleasant. Writing about past abuse rarely is pleasant. I won’t go into graphic details because that could be triggering. And I am already a little post, PTSD with my foot. Because I couldn’t move my toes the other day, it set me off big time. My anxiety was through the roof. I just am now back to my “normal” level of heightened awareness. Plus, bruising my last toe pretty good really got me freaked out. I think I will wait a few days. I don’t have to have this done till at least Tuesday. That should give me time to think about what I want to write and stuff. I just hope it is helpful to me. I also know that I don’t have to do this. My Ativan supply is limited until I get a refill next week so I really have to think about what I want to write. Ativan is the only med that helps with my PTSD symptoms, which is mostly anxiety and overthinking. I used to really be on guard every time my foot swelled up and I couldn’t move my toes. I would think that I was getting CES again but I would have no other symptoms such as numbness, pain in the legs/back, loss of bowel/bladder, etc. But I would just go nuts and flip out. The Ativan has helped me so much that I don’t flip out as often anymore. I don’t take it all the time, just when I need it. The funny thing is, it really is just my brain on fire when the symptoms of PTSD occur. I really have to ground myself with distraction, or talking with the voices (mostly because my agitation level is up) or I have to take pain meds to quiet the pain flare. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but when it does, I am a wreck. I have to continually tell myself it isn’t going to happen. It’s hard because the brain wants you to go crazy and you are fighting yourself with not going crazy. I hope this makes sense.