Category: depression

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day.

I was walking, slowly, to put my coffee down on the counter and as I was walking, I spilled the damn thing. It went onto my sock, the floor, everywhere. I am pissed. I blame my mother, who was cooking bacon for this fiasco. If she wasn’t in the kitchen, I probably would have not spilled a drop. Great way to start off the day. Could have been much worse. My sister nearly ran over a runner that came out of no where as we were trying to make a turn down the street. Thankfully she is ok and not hurt.

I have to deal with my fricken father today. I need to take him for blood work. He was supposed to see his doc today but they messed up the schedule when I rescheduled his appointment. Dumbfuckers. Did I mention how much I hate his office? His doctor is a jerk and I really dislike him more than his office staff. So now I have three hours before I have to see my father, who I also dislike. He just annoys me to no end.

I have to get my brother in law to put in the AC in my room today. There is no way I can survive another day in this humid hell. I will sleep in my sister’s car if that is what it takes to get my AC in my room. And this is only the beginning of summer. I bought swim trunks this morning. I hope they will motivate me to go to the public pool when it opens the end of June. I just hope they fit.

I have been up since 0500. But I slept good, so I can’t really complain. I got about 6.5 hours, which is like a record for me. I probably won’t sleep tonight because I was up early. I don’t know why I made coffee. I could have gone to Starbucks and avoided my coffee spill fiasco. Course, I think of this now. UGH. I guess I just wanted my own coffee, in my own mug, made the way I like. I made the Breakfast Blend today. I am trying to save my Brazil Nova Resende coffee as much as possible because it’s the last of the batch. When I went to Starbucks yesterday, they only had two bags. I should have grabbed one but didn’t think of it. Course I think of it now. D’OH. I might need a Starbucks run later as I have been up so early. I have the car so I can go whenever I want. I might go to Wendy’s for their spicy chicken sandwich. I don’t want the ghost pepper sauce. I am not a hot freak. I like things mild to medium. And I definitely would not like the jalapenos on it. Man, who would eat all that hotness!?

I started writing last night in my journal about the abuse but didn’t get anywhere. I think I am going to write a letter to my therapist about it. I can then print it out and then mail it to her. Which reminds me, I have several things to mail this week! I hope to get it done later today. Depends on how crazy my father gets me. My toes is still hurting me, though it isn’t as bad. The swelling has gone down but it’s still sore. I am glad my new sneakers are nice and comfy, unlike my old pair that is tight and beat up. I think they were a size too small, which made my feet hurt after a few hours. I love the new pair. If I had the money, I would get another the same model but in black. Maybe next month. I still need to get my glasses. I think that is tomorrow’s adventure. I would have done it yesterday but I forgot the glasses I want the new lenses in. I hope they are big enough to have progressive lenses and I don’t have to get a new frame. That will suck!

I am still feeling hot and yucky in my room. I hate the fricken heat. And I know it’s just the beginning of what is to come. Doesn’t help my mood any better. I really want to go to a town called Rockport this year. Only problem is that the place I want to go to is 1.3 miles from the commuter rail station. I can’t walk that far. It will hurt me. I could take a cab but I don’t know if I will be able to get one near the station. And I don’t want to be waiting around all day for one. I figure I have two hours of sight seeing before the next train goes back to Boston. There is a place called the Bulfinch House that was built by my favorite Boston architech, Charles Bulfinch. He is the one that built Mass General Hospital way back in 1811. I love his use of columns and domes. I really would love to see what this bed and breakfast place looks like. But, like I said, it is too far for me to walk and the drive would annoy me. It’s pretty far from where I live.

Another place I really want to go this summer is the Harbor Islands, specifically, George’s Island. There is nothing to do there but I love this island. It is where there is a fort, Fort Warren, which was built around the time of the Civil War. I explored it numerous times in my younger days, which is why I love it so much now. But even a cruise around the harbor would be exciting. I have never visited the other Islands in the harbor. I could do that. But we’ll see.

Ankle Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I love Grubhub. I just ordered dinner, as a treat to myself because I have been in pain the past few days. I have been hardly eating because it’s painful to go down the stairs. While I was downstairs washing what is left of my hair (had a haircut today), I stubbed my last toe on my good foot. It’s pretty swollen but I don’t think I broke it. I put ice immediately on it. I now have the ice pack on my bad ankle as it’s swollen too. I did too much today. I went to my doctor’s office and they screwed up my prescription for my blood pressure medication. I was supposed to get a hard copy and instead they sent it to the mail in pharmacy. I didn’t want that because it costs too much. The retail pharmacy where I filled it at was just $1.72! For a month’s supply. Last month I paid $10! I don’t get it. It is made by the same manufacturer but I don’t care. I saved big time. But while I was waiting, I had to stand for a good twenty minutes, which just aggravated my poor ankle. I came home to my foot and ankle swollen. So I am glad I have the ice on it now. I hope it will ease some of the pain, too.

I really wanted to get pad Thai and spring rolls from my favorite Thai restaurant in Boston but I didn’t want to wait around. I was already hurting and I forgot to call before I got my haircut. I love my haircut. It is a military crew cut. My mother is going to flip but I don’t care. If she says anything about being a boy, I will tell her I am one! I am tired of being the one getting hurt by the comments. She always has to snicker in these snide remarks and makes me feel like an asshole. I am not giving in to her snide remarks this time.

My day went fairly well, despite being held up by an incompetent medical assistant that can’t read. My psychiatrist had to cancel the appointment this morning so that went well for me as I didn’t have to rush around. I don’t see her till next week. I am tempted to give her an update but something keeps holding me back. I don’t know why, I have given her updates before our appointment so she knows ahead where my head is. I think it’s because I am afraid she might tell me to go to the emergency room for the pain I have been experiencing and I don’t want to do that. There is nothing they can do for me, other than to rule out a clot or something. I know I don’t have anything broken. Hell, my foot isn’t even red, despite being swollen. My little toe on my right foot hurts more than my regular pain right now. That is the toe I stubbed in the kitchen. It got snagged on one of the kitchen chairs. And it hurts big time. But with the ice, the swelling has gone down a little bit so I don’t think I broke it.

Therapy went smooth. I didn’t talk most of the session. I did bring up the abuse that has been running through my head the last few days. I just have difficulty talking about it because she keeps telling me it’s not my fault when I know that it is. If I had “listened” to my mother, I wouldn’t have been abused. It’s a long story that I don’t wish to publicize on this blog. Time ran out conveniently when we were arguing about this. She wants me to write it in my journal and I may just do that. I just wish some people on Twitter would have the decency to censor what they tweet about childhood sexual abuse. Just mentioning, triggered back memories I was happy not remembering.

It is so damn hot in my room. I need the AC in by tomorrow. This is getting ridiculous!! If I didn’t hurt my foot, I would have my brother in law install it tonight. But I can’t move the stuff I need to because I can’t stand. UGH, another night in a sweltering room. Even my sheets are hot, like they just came out of the dryer or something. I so wanted to take a shower tonight but between pain in both of my feet, that is kind of impossible. I just want to fucking scream. Sox better win tonight or I really will be an unhappy camper. They lost last night, 2-1. Buchholz got no run support, again. Story of the season, I tell ya! It sucks!!!

Therapy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Tuesday

I had therapy today, like I do every Tuesday. It started off with talking about my father’s appointment woes. I thought I had an appointment with his PCP this Thursday but apparently the incompetent staff forgot to put it in their calendar/scheduling. So there is no appointment this week. I am so pissed. Their next time that I can do is fucking June 30th. I have to wait another month to see this asshole. I hate this office so much. If I was still at my job, I would have found him someone at MGH so fast or at least put him on a waiting list for one. This is just ridiculous. So we discussed this in therapy for the first fifteen minutes. I was aggravated and needed to vent.

We then talked about my pain and other issues. I wanted to bring up some abuse issues but it was getting close to end of session and I don’t know where I will be tomorrow in the beginning of our session as I will be traveling home, I hope, if the bus gods agree with me. I have to finagle the bagel a little bit tomorrow. I want to get my haircut tomorrow before my psychiatrist’s appointment. My therapist inquired about what is on the agenda for tomorrow with her. I have no idea. I need a few refills and I need to pick up my prescriptions at my primary care office. I have such a busy morning tomorrow. I just hope that I fucking sleep well and not wake up at fricken 0400 like I did today. I won’t go back to sleep if I do because I will just be groggy and won’t remember all that I have to do. I should have just canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow. That would so make my life easier.

Then we talked about what I am working on with my writing. UGH, I hate this question more than being asked what my psychache is. It is because I usually don’t have anything that I am working on. This time I sort of am. I am writing a review on a research article. I am trying to make it interesting but now I am getting to the guts of the paper, like stats and stuff, that is important in a review. After I typed it all up, my brain spazzed and I lost interest. Then my perfectionism mixed in and I thought the paper was junk (what I was writing, not the article). I’m going to have to do this review in spurts when my brain isn’t so jumbled.

The last part of our conversation was about my friend that attempted suicide twice since I last talked with her. I feel really bad that she didn’t try to get in touch with me before she did it. I feel so helpless. But she did what she did and there is nothing I can do about it now but give her support as best I can.

My country radio station has an idiot DJ between 2-7. I really dislike him. He talks too much yet tries to be cool but fails miserably at it. I miss Steve Kelly and Keith Stephens. They were the evening crew and they were awesome at what they did. I was hoping I could get used to this jerk but I just can’t. I love the music so I just try and block him out while he talks.

I am feeling really depressed, which wasn’t discussed today. Sometimes I have a hard time telling my therapist this. It’s like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to worry her more than what she is worrying. She did lose all my texts that I sent her. To make up for it, I have been texting her stupid shit, just quick updates on how I am doing and such.

It’s really hot in my room and I can’t stand it. And this is going to continue the rest of the week. I so want my AC in my room in the window but my foot is killing me. Just trying to move my toes is painful and it’s setting off panic attacks for me. It is the one thing that triggers PTSD for me. I feel like paging my psychiatrist but I am seeing her tomorrow. Most she will tell me is to take an Ativan. Heat is not helping me because it is annoying me, even though I have the ceiling fan on full blast. It is just moving the hot air in my room. I think I am going to cry. I am just so frustrated and I can’t go down the stairs to get anything. Hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I don’t think I can make the stairs. I just took a pain pill, though I don’t remember taking it. I could take another one in an hour or so. If I feel sleepy, so be it. Yesterday I had to take two pain pills and fell asleep around 1730. I woke up around 2130 to take my meds and then I stayed up till at least 0030. I remember writing in my journal around midnight and then feeling sleepy after a page or two of writing. Despite going to sleep so late, I still woke up at 0400. I hate waking up this early. I had coffee when I got up. I needed it. I should have waited until my mother left the house so I didn’t have to talk to anyone but I didn’t. Hate people trying to talk to me before I had my coffee. I don’t care what you have to say until I had at least a half cup of coffee in me. You would think my mother would know this by now but she is oblivious. To her, I am just grumpy and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. GGRRRR. So annoying!!

Rotten Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rotten Monday

I have been having a bad day. I was able to take a shower, which aggravated my ankle/leg. I thought it was okay until I started watching TV for a little bit. My leg does not like to be down while sitting. I decided to make some potatoes for a potato salad and that further aggravated my pain. Now I am listening to the game on the radio as I can’t sit and watch TV. I am annoyed because they have Rob Bradford in for Dave O’brien. I don’t like Rob too much. He just sounds like he is full of himself all the time.

My mood sucks right now because my boys are losing, big time, thank to Joe Kelly. I really dislike Kelly. His last few starts have sucked. I thought he would make it to the 3rd inning but he barely made it to the 2nd when the Twins exploded on him. They got six runs off him. So disappointing. And what is funny, like ha ha funny, is that he, Kelly, thought he would win the Cy Young Award this year. That is a joke. His ERA has to be in the 700s. Well, maybe not. I just checked and his ERA is 5.13, still pretty bad. You don’t get the Cy Young award with an ERA of 5 and a losing record.

I didn’t sleep too well, again. I woke up around 0530 and then went back to sleep around 7ish after I made some pancakes. I have been craving pancakes every time I see tweets from IHOP. I love their pancakes. I have yet to make them fluffy. I don’t know how to make them fluffy. I mostly make them flat. They were still yummy. I have to get more Buttermilk mix and regular syrup. My mother bought a lite cheapo brand and it is kind of gross, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

I have been playing poker the past few days but for every hand I win, I lose 20. It’s terrible. I have tried playing Farmville again and that is a mind numbing game. You just plant and plant, then harvest and harvest. Not much challenge but it keeps me busy, when I need a distraction. I really miss my Pioneer Trail. I was hoping that there would be a Pioneer Trail 2 but I heard that Zynga laid off the programmers. So I am stuck playing Farmville and poker. I have tried playing the game that other players have gone to, Household, but it just doesn’t appeal to me.

My mood has been very irritable because I haven’t been sleeping and in pain. My mother has been cleaning out the front porch so our living room is a disaster area. It has been pissing me off because I can’t watch TV as there are stuff in the way. I really wanted to watch some Bones episodes but because of the stuff, I can’t. I am really annoyed. I am depressed because I just can’t get out of the house because of pain. I was lucky to get a shower in today but now I am paying for it. I just can’t win. My thoughts haven’t gone to the suicide caliber, yet. I still am thinking about the date I have set aside for my death date. I am waxing and waning on going through with it. I hate ambivalence. It really keeps you here. It is just annoying me because if I didn’t have the ambivalence, I probably would just go ahead with my plans.