Category: depression

Religious Freedom Act and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Religious freedom act and other things

This act makes me sick. It is a downright discrimination against my sexuality. It pisses me off that I cannot openly share my loved one with someone in those states that have this act passed. No matter. I am boycotting these states, like most people are doing. I am just grateful that no major baseball teams are in these states. I would not be watching their games. I guess I can also boycott the Indianapolis football games as well. I guess the separation of church and state doesn’t apply to homosexuality. Just about whether the word “God” should be in the Pledge of Allegiance.

I saw my father today. He is not feeling well. I hope he gets better soon without the aid of seeing a doctor because I hate his PCP. I know he will say he has a virus but as far as the pain goes, I am clueless. But then my sister was telling me he was lifting some bags from Boston to his home so I think he might have strained himself a little bit. He is 83 and still thinks he is young to do all these things. What can you do?

Last night, I was wicked hot. So hot, I had to turn on the ceiling fan and now today, I am freezing. I was out in the cold for about a half hour because the bus was late, as usual. I was going to go to the Super Stop and Shop to get my prescription but I don’t think I am going to. I will go tomorrow. I am super tired anyways. I didn’t sleep well again last night, despite going to bed at a decent hour. I must have woken up at least three time after 3:30 and then I was up every stinking hour. My app alarm kept going off, reminding me to take my pills. I just couldn’t get out of bed to do so. I still am tired. I might go to bed soon after I finish this blog. I can’t stand being this tired. I didn’t have coffee today. I didn’t have time to make it. I thought about getting it at Dunks but the last time I had their coffee, it was a waste of money. I didn’t like it at all. I am getting hungry. I should make a couple of hard boiled eggs for my dinner. My mother is at a birthday party so I know she won’t be making anything for supper. Another reason I need to go to Stop and Shop. I still want my fish and chips!

My mood is in the toilet. I just don’t want to do anything. I tried to watch the baseball game today, hoping it would get me in the mood, but it didn’t. I just am really tired all the time and want to sleep. I’ve had a busy week, though I didn’t really go out every day. It just felt like I was doing something nearly every day. I am just exhausted from fighting pain all the time. That is a full time job in and of itself. Except you don’t get benefits or get paid for dealing with your pain. You just get exhausted and cranky. My sister called me and told me to come to the party my mother is at. It’s my cousin’s birthday party but I really don’t feel like seeing the family, again when I saw them on Sunday for my brother in law’s party. My ankle is throbbing and I just finished getting undressed and into my pajamas. I really didn’t want to get dressed again.

late night, wicked tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Late night, wicked tired

Last night, despite being tired, I was unable to sleep till almost 0230 in the morning. I had been up almost 24 hours. Hyde came out but I think I removed the damage he might have caused. Though, I haven’t gone through my Twitter account to see if he left any messages there. From what I remember, I went south, fast and furiously. I was suicidal but had no intent on going through with the thoughts. I was just too tired.

I sent an old blog post about body image to my therapist. I wish I didn’t. OMG she just did not shut up the whole session. I don’t remember what it was about, I just tuned her out. She just kept rattling on and on about Teflon shields. I was getting pissed. Then I called her a bitch, which she thought Jack did. She said I can’t be “hitting him” anymore. WTF does that mean?? I never hit anyone, unless it was my sister and I was pissed off at her, but that was when we were kids. Never in my adult life have I hit someone in anger. Maybe in joking around, but that is all. A slap on the hand or a slight punch on the arm, that sort of thing. But I don’t intentionally go around hitting people, for fuck’s sake. And Jack is not someone I can hit. He is too angry and might kill me. So what the hell she was talking about, I have no fucking clue. She also wanted me to talk back to my mother. Yea, that will happen when hell freezes over.

My mood just turned bleak and if I make one more typing error, I am done with this blog. I am so tired I can’t type. Sure I am fixing them, but the errors are making me angry at myself. No, this blog doesn’t have to be perfect but it drives me crazy to misspell something. But getting back to my mood, I am really down. I am going to either listen to the ball game tonight or watch it. I want to at least try and see if I can get into it. But with this sleep deprivation, I might not last. All ready I want to sleep. I went to my father’s and I was hoping to snooze on the bus but that didn’t happen. I did have coffee today, so that is helping me to keep toothpicks in my eyes.

I have decided that I am just going to eat protein bars today. I have NO energy to cook anything. If my mother makes something tonight, I will eat it. I think she is making pizza as I saw dough thawing on the kitchen counter. That will be good. Last night I overate. I had a cheeseburger and then some stuffed chicken. My stomach couldn’t handle all the food, which is part of the reason I stayed up so late. I felt so sick.

I told my therapist, again, that I am only going to be around for a few more months. She still has not read her goodbye letter because of the anxiety it is causing her. I understand that. I told her she could read my story. Maybe that might be better. As I think I mentioned to Twitter last night, I just am never going to be accepted by society as a male. Hell, not even my own mother can accept that. And that is why things must end. I am not going to live or start another decade living like this, though I really have no idea what “living” really means. My therapist also knows that I have a date though she doesn’t know the specifics and she is not going to. I am not changing my mind this time. I have to do this. I just have to die. I am tired of struggling all the time. I am a man of my word and this is what I have to do.

Last night I wrote my psychiatrist her note. It was exhausting, to say the least. How can you say goodbye to someone you have known for over 20 years. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. I expected it to be longer but I think a page and a half is good enough. I kept telling her to seek help after my death. I hope she does. I also hope my therapist does, too. There are a lot more support networks for clinicians who lose their clients to suicide. I also told my psychiatrist that she isn’t a failure. She tried more than anyone to keep me here. And thinking about leaving her is the hardest thing that I have to do but I need to stay the course with this plan. I don’t want to turn 40. I don’t want to write another book. I just want my ashes to be spread over Chelsea Creek.

Evening Post 1/4/15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Evening Blog 1/4/15

Like I planned, I didn’t do anything today but my ankle is killing me as if I did. I just had dinner and lunch. I am stuffed. I had a cheeseburger with avocado and bacon and then some chicken with rice and corn. My mother made beets with oil and vinegar but I didn’t like it too much. I usually like my beets with a creamy dressing, like blue cheese or Caesar.

My mother put garlic in the breadcrumb stuffing she made. Garlic seems to be giving me migraines lately. My head is already killing me. I have so far avoided a nap but might take one if the headache gets worse. Ankle is also getting worse as I am typing this despite taking a pain med for it. Being in pain every day is exhausting.

Had therapy today. It went okay. We talked a lot about different things that are irritating me and about Jack, the alter that is angry. I have been having intense anger moments and I think it is Jack trying to come out. He is a little boy, as far as I can tell, so doesn’t know how to use words. I have to interpret how he is feeling and relate it to what it is he is angry about. Sometimes, I am good at it and other times, I get angry because he is angry. We also talked about my mood dipping and the anhedonia getting worse. I think by the end of the week, I am going to be in the throws of a deep depression. I am talking with my therapist again tomorrow morning. I just hope that I am awake enough. We also talked about meds. I swear she thinks that I don’t take my meds at times. I think that is because I don’t talk about taking them all the time. I also told her the futility of taking them while in distress. I have no idea if these meds are working or not. It’s not like I am getting regular blood tests for levels or anything to prove they are working. It’s just frustrating to put faith in a pill. I do know the abilify works, because I am less psychotic while taking it and I get side effects from it. I am just frustrated taking a handful of meds every night and wonder if it is worth it. It has been a LONG time since I stopped my meds. I won’t be able to stop my medical meds. Those I need to take or my blood pressure will become unstable.

I haven’t discussed this with my psychiatrist. I think the only reason I haven’t been full blown manic is because I am on meds. It just sucks that every few years I have these bouts of being up and down. The last time I remember this happening was in 2002. And it wasn’t pretty. My crashes were terrible and very suicidal. Then I had a very depressing 2005. I came close to ending my life that year. It was probably the only time my psychiatrist asked me, as a favor to her, to go back on my meds. I haven’t been off them since. That was 10 years ago. I still have suicidal depressions but some how I get through them. So if in the next few days, I start writing about my suicidality, that is why. I will have hit another low point in my life. Question is, will it be low enough to warrant a hospitalization? I really am trying my best to stay out of the hospital. I haven’t been in the hospital since August. I am doing what I normally would do when I am in the hospital. Isolate and take my PRNs. But lately, I haven’t really been doing that as I have had the energy to go out and do things like get a latte and write in my journal. I think that has been good for me. It brings me out of the house and deal with life a little better. It might be annoying because the bus isn’t on time, but least I am not cooped up in my room 24/7. Though today I have been in my room a great deal. I have been playing poker. I lose, I win, I lose. When I get bored I leave. I am only playing with 200K chips. That is my limit. Once it is gone, I am done. I have 47 million chips so I think I am good for a little while, as long as I don’t play on the big game tables.

Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Morning post

Thought I would write more than one post today, if I feel like it. So this is the morning one.

I’ve been up since 0630. I had to pee and then by the time I got back to my room, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played my game and some poker. I lost at least 1 million chips, mostly to 2 pairs, so it wasn’t a big deal. During the last few hands I was playing, there was a creepy guy and I felt like he was looking at me. I know it was just a picture of himself but still, the way it looked, just creeped me out. I had to leave the table.

I really can’t wait to get the new glasses because I can’t see how many chips are in my little bank while playing. Sometimes I can make it out but if I have 600,000 or 800,000 chips, I can’t really distinguish between the two. The print is small. I suppose I could play with the zoom feature for the browser to see if I can adjust it but really don’t feel like it. It might change everything and I would hate to go back and forth. I don’t know what I am going to do when I don’t have my private insurance anymore and I can’t see my eye doctor. I guess I will pay out of pocket, but even then, it is going to be costly. But I will worry about that next year.

My mother wants me to go to the post office to return some stuff for her. She opened the package and thinks she can return it without postage. Good luck. Doesn’t work that way. I have tried that before it didn’t work. I don’t think I will be going out today because I already had my coffee. If I am going to be up this early in the morning, I am having coffee, dammit! I should work on my psychosis story and edit it. I just looked at the document. I am about 93 words short of 2000 words. I printed it out so I don’t have to read from the computer screen. I don’t know how editors can work from the computer but I give them credit. I am old fashioned and need to work from paper.

I just put on a heavier sweatshirt because it’s cold in my room. It’s only 34 degrees out. I don’t know if it is going to warm up or not. I need to go to Stop and Shop and pick up my prescription as well as fish and chips. Ever since I told my friend about it, I have been wanting this meal. I sometimes detest the online delivery service because you have to buy a minimum of $60 or $70 worth of food before you get it delivered. In other words, you can’t just have one or two items delivered. Maybe next month I can order groceries as I have an extra $90 in my pocket. I still cannot believe I did that. I forgot I got royalties yesterday. So that helps. It’s not much, only $20 but, hell, $20 is $20. Next month will be a little more because I sold more books. I wish there could be one month where I could sell 20 books. That would make my quota and reach my goal for the year. But I am dreaming. I guess I will have to be satisfied with 87 books sold. I never got the review from the AAS. And I don’t think I will. I feel really sad about this.

My mood is up at the moment. But I think that is the coffee talking. I am going to try and stay awake the next couple of hours because I have my therapy appointment then. It’s still early for me to get my sister’s car and pay her a visit but I don’t feel like getting dressed. I really don’t feel like do anything today but read or play games on the computer. I still have to read Dostoevsky’s book and see Myshkin crash the party, if I remember correctly. It’s always exciting to me reading his books. But I know that if I read them now, it will wear me out. It take real concentration to read Dostoevsky and besides, the small print also makes it difficult to read, even with glasses!

I hope my mood stays the same throughout the day. I really don’t want to crash but it’s been two days like this and I feel like I will crash soon. It all depends on how hard. Oh, the evil depression. Will I suffer immensely or just a little bit? I will not know. I wish I could up my medication or something to ward off the crash but there is really nothing I can take to avoid it. I am not looking forward to it, in the least. It is going to suck, big time.