Category: depression

champagne problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Champagne problems

I am sharing this blog because it is so good and about coming out

https://www.coldantlerfarmny.com/post/it-s-fearless

I was up again in the middle of the night but it was productive as I wrote part of my book for the first time since Feb. I was reading the Choosing to Live book and got inspired to write. I started writing about how my surgery took so long and then things got side tracked. I wasn’t and still am not sure if I should include my suicide attempt from last fall. It was because I was misgendered a lot at home and frustrated with my medical conditions.

Yesterday because it was pretty warm out, I was topless all day. It felt good. But I need to contact my surgeon’s team because the right side of my chest is swollen. It is hard and hurts when I press on it. Every time I passed my mother’s smiling picture, I stood in front of it so she could see me. I honestly don’t know what she would say. The week I had surgery was when she was out of things and was really lethargic. I don’t think she saw me in the vest with the drains. I was kind of out of it with being in pain and not really sleeping well. I kept listening for her when I woke up in the middle of the night. I would check on her when I got up to use the bathroom. My sister was with her mostly the week before she died. We were giving her round the clock care to try and keep the fluid from choking her.

I have been having flashback kind of memories of her today. Tomorrow will be eight weeks since she died. I have therapy tomorrow. I have some stuff I wish to discuss with her from the book I was reading in the middle of the night. One of the quotes from the book I am going to share with her is this one, “psychological and behavioral change, on the other hand, require commitment and motivation rooted in a strong belief that change is needed and will be beneficial.” I don’t have a strong belief I change. I figure things out in the moment things are happening. This might be texting a friend, listening to music, seeking my online friends for support, posting to my social media, writing, reading, distraction. Most times it is night time when things are rough and I am overwhelmed with feelings. I do one of the things or all of the things to try and get away with it or I just sit with it. This happens when I am overwhelmed with pain. Right now my pain hasn’t been above an 8 on a 1-10 scale. But I know that if it continues to be untreated it could get worse.

I have been really sad most of the day. My grief has been so bad today. I miss my mother so much despite me trying not to think about her. But the memories…they force me to think of her. Mostly the memories have been the last few weeks of her life.

Tonight is game 7 of the basketball finals of the Celtics. I don’t have cable anymore so I can’t watch the game. But as long as I am up, I will be checking the score even though I know it will just come down to the final minutes of the game in the fourth quarter. Let’s go Cs!!

Sunday Blog 28052023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Sunday Blog 28052023

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. There was really nothing to write about. I woke up late and it was the same as the day before. Today same thing. Tomorrow is a holiday so I have another day I can sleep late. I forgot to write in my calendar my therapist’s time so I won’t know until I check the patient web thingy Tues. I don’t know if we are meeting at 11 or 2. I think it is at 2 though. I thought it would be in person but it is virtual.

I went outside topless for the first time. It is wicked hot out. I was in the sun for at least 10 mins and had to go back in the house. I hate heat so bad. I took out chicken breast for tonight’s dinner. I might roast some potatoes with it if there are any left. I forgot to buy them when I placed my grocery order. I hate to turn on the oven but it is the only way to cook the chicken. I am not going to cut it up to fry it. I hate cutting raw meat.

I listened to the game last night. We won 2-1. They play in a couple hours and then are off tomorrow. The Celtics had a good game last night and won. I am happy about that. I will be watching the score tomorrow night as it is game 7. I don’t have cable so will have to watch the feed from the internet, which I don’t know where to watch it yet. My sister said YouTube so will check that out.

I have been reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a good book. I am not suicidal so it is good reading right now. I hung up my pride flag yesterday that I bought from Amazon. I just hope it stays up with my room’s temp changes. I think it will as I hung up my tissue box and it hasn’t come down. It has been up for more than a couple of years. I also bought a trans rights are human rights T-shirt. I can’t wait to wear it when I see my doc the 8th. I am glad I am starting PT again as my foot has been awful the past couple of days. It has been hurting me so bad. I also need to get my knee checked as it has been hurting since I fell a month ago. The CRPS pain in my ankle and foot has been back. I don’t have anything to take for pain. It sucks so bad. I hope when I see my doc on the 8th she will prescribe me something.

I have to go to the Square Tues to pick up my prescription. I might go to Starbucks and have a latte to read for a bit and then pick it up. Depends on how I feel after therapy. Lately all we’ve been talking about it my mother and how I feel about her. I’ve still been experiencing sadness all the time and now I have moved into depression. I am not hopeless as I know this will pass. I think if I was hopeless I would be suicidal. I keep wanting to check on her. Her room is so empty without her. And the house is too. It really sucks.

Taylor is driving me insane

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Taylor is driving me insane

One of my Twitter followers is also a swiftie and she posted lyrics of a new Taylor song but I am not able to locate it anywhere. I have no idea where to find it. And I am mad. I just bought a new song today. It is part of her Midnights album. I didn’t buy the album just the song. I already have two versions of this album. I didn’t need a third. Another swiftie posted the song on Twitter and OMG. I am in love with this song!! I need to have it!!

My barber texted me saying he isn’t going to be in tomorrow so I got my haircut today. I returned the library book and then went to Starbucks for my mocha and a grilled cheese sandwich. It was a lot of walking. My knee was hurting me when I woke up today. I think I might have done something to it when I fell a few weeks ago. I need to take a shower to get the hairs off my head. Plus I have been sweating so I smell. UGH. I hate showering so much.

I have been hit with grief a few times today. I have been thinking about my mother. My heart is aching so much. I’ve been listening to Taylor most of the day. I got her new song Hits differently. It is a good song. Not as powerful as the other one that I am unable to get right now. I might go to the cemetery this weekend. I am not sure how I am going to get there. It is quite a walk to my mother’s grave as it is on the other end of the cemetery. I am not sure where the bus stop is though.

I just took my night meds. I am going to try and stay awake until the game starts but it is doubtful as I am so fricken tired. My allergies are making me miserable. I just want to sleep.