Category: depression

Do Nothing Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do Nothing Friday

I have no idea where the day went. I had breakfast and watched a few of my DVR’d shows. I was saving the last Bones episode for watching during the day because it had to do with Palant, an evil genius that caused Brennan and the lab much pain. It turned out it had the makings of the serial killer but nothing to do with him because he was dead. Really dead. I was grateful not to see his smug face until the end of the episode where he says “I am dead but still live on in digital format”. What a creep. I have no idea if that was the season’s ending or not. It had Brennan and Booth resigning but Angela and Hodgins staying so it will make for an exciting season 11!

I then watched my favorite crime show, Rizzoli and Isles. I love Sasha Alexander and Angie Harmon. The two make the show as hot as it is. It was exciting to see the episodes. I wanted to watch more but it got really muggy in the living room and I had to retreat into my room before I melted. I found that there was a show that Mary Chapin Carpenter is taped on. It is a repeat and I am glad because I only caught the first few minutes of it the first go round. Someone had changed the channel right when it recorded. The person who did this (my mother) refuses to acknowledge she did this but I know better. So I am glad it recorded. I will watch it later when I am cold and need to be warmed up.

I made coffee and enjoyed it. Now I am feeling depressed because I used the last of my borrowed cream and won’t be able to get more until Monday. I will be getting my blood work done in the morning. If I time it right, maybe I will have some Thai food for lunch. I got to find out when the restaurant opens.

My writing partner wrote to me last night. I don’t know why I keep calling her that as our association has faltered over the last few months. She hardly writes to me any more since she got married. But she did last night to say she finished a book and has a rough draft that she is giving people to read for feedback and such. I am envious of her work. I have nothing to show for the time I have spent writing except for this blog. I really should start writing something for my book. Only problem is I have no clue what to write. Sure I was thinking about my first manic episode that was sort of psychotic in nature but there are so many details I don’t know if I can capture it all and be coherent. I have to think about this a little more.

My mother called and asked where I was and why I haven’t gone out. Are you kidding me?? I really can’t go out because my ankle is still kind of sore from all the walking I did yesterday. And I am kind of still sleepy. I really don’t want to do a damn thing today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and one graham cracker for lunch. I don’t have much appetite since I drank the coffee. It always kills my appetite. I hate when my mother calls looking for me. I fucking hate it. You would think that I am a kid or something. She thinks that because she can go out (three houses down the street to her sister’s) I should be able to do the same. Fuck that. I will stay where I am nice and comfortable, on my bed with my laptop in an air conditioned room.

I am starting to get cold feet about this class that I want to take a week from Monday. I am wondering if it will be worth the $65, if I will actually learn something from this, or if I just will be wasting my money and time. That is, of course, if there are still seats available. I got nothing better to do on a Monday night so why not try and take this class. If I do like this class, I might consider becoming a member. If you are a member, you get ten dollars off classes. Not much but when you are low budget, it helps.

A hockey player is following me on Twitter. I feel like tweeting him to tell him I am not a fan of hockey, at all. I only follow the sport when my friends post on FB or Twitter. I think it is a plea to get more followers, which I don’t buy. I hardly follow back someone that follows me, unless I know them or they have made contact with me in someway, like a RT or a tweet back. There are a LOT of people that follow me and when I look them up they appear to be bots or those that just want a follow back. Then my follower numbers go down because their account disappears. Oh well. I had to mute one of my CES friends because she showed a disturbing photo. Now I can’t get the image out of my head. I won’t describe it as it was horrible. I don’t get why people have to post that stuff on social media. It’s bad enough the news posts shit like that but for individual accounts to show it, it’s just horrible.

Monday, my therapist will be back and I have an appointment with her that afternoon, the first of three that week. I don’t know what possessed me to say yes to the times she had available. I was expecting her to pick one and then she said “I’m writing that down”. Fucking idiot I am. I am sure it will be fine though. I just hope I am awake when I talk to her on Thursday morning. We do have a lot of stuff to catch up on. I don’t think I will be sending her the letter I wrote. It was during my hypo days earlier this week and is quite lengthy. I don’t feel so great anymore. I finally was able to read some Harry Potter last night. It was the first time I read all week. I find that when I am in between mood states, my reading isn’t as bad. I am feel a bit depressed, but not overwhelmingly so. I wish my mother didn’t call me. It just makes me feel bad that I can’t go out because I am in pain. I didn’t tell her that. She doesn’t understand about rest days, which is why she is in pain so much. She never rests unless the pain gets wicked out of control. I used to be like that but I can’t be like that anymore. If I am hurting, I stop. But it depresses me nonetheless. I got a call from my insurance last night. It was after six when I got the call. I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t pick up. Then someone from Newbury College called me three times. My phone never rings and last night it was off the hook. So much for snoozing before the game.

lot of walking Thursday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lot of Walking Thursday

I went to my father’s like I do every week. He needed some more baby aspirin but bought the wrong kind. I told him after I filled his pills for the week I would go to Stop and Shop and exchange them. It was really hot out and I really didn’t feel like doing it but I had to. So I walked both ways and was a soaking mess by the time I got back to his apartment. I dropped off the pills and then told him he would have two to pick up tomorrow. He waved me off because his girlfriend was there. Fine, don’t get your fucking pills. I don’t care. I just want to be back in my room where it’s ice cold.

I come home and there is a letter from my PCP’s office. I am to have a physical Tuesday and they want blood work before hand. WTF I have only two business days to get it. Why couldn’t they send the damn papers in last week when I had my appointment with my psychiatrist? I could have been fasting then. Damn idiots. I hate the medical assistant for my PCP. She is nice in person but a dunce in every other respect. I also have a questionnaire to fill out. This is new. I have been with the same PCP for the past 12 years or more and I have never had a questionnaire or blood work done before my appointment. The lab slip is prefilled so I cannot even ask my psych if she wants anything. She hasn’t given me blood work in a while either. I will email her now and see if she wants anything because I am not going to get stuck twice.

I am pretty tired and I haven’t had coffee. It’s kind of late to have a cup now. I was going to have one before I left for my father’s but I woke up too late. After I had breakfast at 0700, I went back to sleep and kept on having weird dreams, which didn’t give me restful sleep. I kept on dreaming that I had to go to the bathroom and when I woke up, I really had to go. My phone rang and I thought it was my father calling so I got up. It was Walgreens. They didn’t leave me a message but I know what it was about. They had given me just 15 pills yesterday instead of 180. Why they even bothered filling the prescription is beyond my understanding.

Other than feeling tired, that is all I feel. My left shoulder hurts and I don’t know why. I feel like I am breaking down, physically and mentally. I really can’t wait to have therapy back next week. I miss my therapist, even though she drives me crazy. I am not looking forward to having three sessions with her but I can’t wait till she is back. There is just something about knowing that she is available to talk to that I miss. When she isn’t available, it’s very hard to settle the feelings.

It’s now toward the end of the week and I still haven’t started “Order of the Phoenix”. I wanted to start today but I don’t think that is likely, least not for the next few hours anyways. I might start on in it before bed. I still have other journal articles to read and print out. They deal with suicide, my favorite subject. I have some rumination articles that I like to read. Since being a member of the American Association of Suicidology again, I have saved some old articles that are worth looking at.

I just am feeling pressure to read because I was on a roll and now it seems to have stopped for some reason. Maybe I just needed a break but I love Harry Potter and usually gobble his books up. I hope the depression isn’t returning. That would so suck right now. I am going to take a nap. Maybe I will have more energy afterwards and can read.

Random 499

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s another hot and humid day. Yuck. I was sweating so much my shirt was soaked by the time I came home. I just got out of the shower. I probably will need another one tomorrow when I come home from my father’s. I didn’t go into town for the writing workshop. It was too hot. I had dinner and now I am not leaving my room except to go to the bathroom.

My mood is back to being “good”. I don’t think it’s hypo. I feel kind of racy but not too much. I had my coffee today and then afterwards, I took a nap. It keeps on having an opposite effect on me. I don’t get it. I could use another nap. But the game is going to be playing soon. Maybe it will wake me up.

I got bluffed last night. I got a tweet that said the ruling on Tom Brady that would happen today was no concessions, no suspensions, and a $50K fine because he didn’t turn over his damn cell phone, meaning he was “uncooperative”. Now, no decision has been made and they are pushing the ruling to Aug 31st! I am so pissed off. I really thought it was going to go away finally and instead we have another week of this bullshit.

I haven’t been able to read the past few days. I just haven’t been in a concentrating mood. I got my menses last night. I am not happy about this. I thought I would have at least another month before this would happen. After this week, I will have to stop taking my hormone pills so that it can stop. I don’t want to stop now because the week already started and it’s much easier to do on a Sunday than a Tuesday. The only thing that I am liking about this is that my leaking will be absorbed by the pad I am wearing so I won’t be smelling like piss as much. The downside is that I will be wearing these fucking things for a week and a half. I am not looking forward to this.

I had the lump on my Achilles checked out. My doc said it was a nodule made from irritation from my sneaker. He gave me some new way of tying my sneaks that is supposed to help. I told him the new medication (NSAID) is helping decreasing the pain a little bit, but am finding it difficult to take it with food. This is because I don’t usually eat till later in the day and then I forget to take it. I usually take it after my dinner. I find that it works better on a full stomach. I see my PCP next week. I am not looking forward to it because of my weight. I am paranoid about him saying something about it, and he always does. The appointment would go so much better if he just stuck to just giving me a physical and then handing me my prescription for pain meds. I wouldn’t have to be so nervous and shameful. I don’t think doctors really know how much they can stress their patients out when they know they need to lose weight and they just can’t. I would seriously have to starve myself in order to lose weight or be on a very restrictive diet. I can’t do that. I love food too much and that is part of the problem. I think I might try the liquid diet for two weeks and see where it gets me. I know that if I get the weight off, it will stay off. I hate being the way I am. I know part of it is the body image issues I have. The rest is just all my life being told I was fat and ugly. Course, I will start the diet after I have had my steak dinner and manwich. Been looking forward to having these to foods for a long time.

mood a little better

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had coffee today as I stole some half and half from my sister. Despite having a large cup, I am wicked exhausted. I slept pretty well but I think the Neurontin that I took last night is having its hangover effect. And I just took one pill. My ankle has been acting up all day. Thunderstorms just started so I think that is why. My ankle doesn’t like rain. It’s still hot and humid with the house being hotter than it is outside. I have been staying in my room as much as possible but my damn bowels have been acting up so I have been having to go up and down the stairs a lot. My ankle doesn’t like that either.

I feel like someone stunned me. I have no feelings at all. I feel blank. The good feelings that I had yesterday are gone. Now I feel numb. I really want to take a nap but my knee keeps having this sharp pain whenever I lie down. It is annoying because it doesn’t last long and when I rub it, it’s not there anymore. I don’t know why I have this pain. I have been resting in my bed for most of the day so there is no reason for it to hurt. If I didn’t know any better, I say it was nerve pain. But all my problems have been on the left side and it’s my right knee that hurts. Just doesn’t make any sense. I hope it doesn’t come back. I have no pain while walking or going up and down stairs. It seems it hurt when I am at rest, which doesn’t make any sense. But then, I am a weirdo when it comes to weird things happening.

My physiatrist’s office has been calling to confirm my appointment twice already. If I was going to cancel, I would have called. I am a responsible patient. I just hope it’s a little bit cooler tomorrow. I still haven’t decided if I am going to go to the writing workshop tomorrow. It is going to take a lot of spoons to get there and then to my doctor’s appointment in this hot weather. I just hope my ankle can take the walking it is going to take. I would rest on Thursday but I have to go to my father’s for refills of meds. My weekly duty to him. I don’t stay too long. Just fill his pill box and then skedaddle.

I’m really feeling like a nap is in order. But my mother will be making dinner soon so I can’t. I probably will after I had dinner, if I can. She is making stir fry chicken. It’s usually good and spicy. I just hope she makes rice.

I didn’t think I was going to do it, but I started writing a letter to my therapist to inform her of what is going on. It’s basically what I wrote in the blogs yesterday about the hypomanic episode and my failure to sleep at the time I wanted to (before midnight). I find it so hard to set a sleep routine. I usually am always up around midnight but then there are some nights where I am asleep by ten. It all depends on what I am doing, which is why I am not looking forward to tomorrow’s activities. I hope tonight will be easier to go to sleep and not wake up before seven.

I hope my sisters are ok where they are. They went to water country today but thunderstorms have been going on for the past hour or so. They might be on their way home. It would have been nice if they invited me. I would have loved to go. I haven’t been there in years, not since my days of working with kids. That was more than twenty years ago. But they never seem to want to include me in any of the events they go to. I always feel left out. Of course, money is probably the issue as I am almost always broke. It sucks.

There has been a conference today about suicide prevention. It is being held in Houston, Texas. I have been following the live tweeting. Jobes was there to promote his CAMS method. I love this guy so much. He always has new information to share. There are currently five studies going on using CAMS. I can’t wait to see the outcome of those studies.