Category: depression

baseball, pie, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I was all over the place this afternoon. I decided to listen to the ball game but I got the munchies so decided to make some popcorn. As I was making it, I watched it on TV until the 8th inning as I couldn’t stand the heat and mugginess of the living room anymore. They were winning by two runs so I thought they would win the game. BPD chat was going on at the time of the 7th inning so I was multitasking. I retreated to my room so I could be on my laptop as my phone was dying anyways. I still kept up with the fluid intake. By the time chat ended around 5, the closing pitcher blew the game!! I couldn’t believe he allowed four fucking runs to score! I was bullshit. I really wanted to win this game and take the series away from KC but it wasn’t going to happen, not with our shitty bullpen. I am so disappointed right now. I already watched a damn blooper when they had two errors on the same play. And they came back to make it 6-4, which I thought would be the final score. NOPE. NOT happening. Damn you Taz. Hope he gets DFA’d.

When I listened to the rest of the bottom half of the 9th inning, one of the announcers was on that I can’t stand. I am glad I watched half the game. I don’t know what happened to my buddy Dave. He was there in the first few innings that I was listening. He and Joe make a good duo. Not the other guy, Lou. Lou I can’t stand. His analysis of the game or the pitch or whatever is so over done it’s not funny. And you aren’t watching the game so you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Just annoys me.

I read some of Harry Potter to keep my mind occupied before the game. I really don’t but do like this book. It is emotional for me for some reason. I can’t stand when people cry and if people in the book that I like start crying, I will too. I am a sucker for other people’s sadness. So I was laughing and crying in the chapters I was reading. Good thing I read alone or my family members would really question my sanity.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my earlier blog. I didn’t think I would have two blogs today but I got in the writing mood. I still need to email NYT again. I guess I will keep emailing them the same message until I get a response, if I ever get a response. I don’t subscribe to their column and wish I did. It would be nice to read other stories to see if someone publishes something similar to my story. Then I could stop emailing them. I didn’t think of this till now. I am kind of sow to these things. I filled my pill box for the week. Only pill I didn’t put in was the blasted hormone pill. I have to stop it so I can get my menses so this discharge fucking stops. I am so annoyed it is not funny. Every three months I got to take a break. It used to be five months now it’s three. I hate it, I really do. I think that is why I have been so out of things this past week. I have to go over my grocery list because I have close to $200 worth of stuff and I have no idea if it’s junk food or real food. I seemed to just click on something when I had a craving for a certain food. I know I ordered rice and steak and a couple of half pies. Those I will keep. The rest will have to go. I haven’t had pie in a very long time. My work used to make some excellent pies but for some reason their fruit pies started to suck as the crust became watery. It was gross. So their pumpkin or squash pie was the only thing that stayed good. I ordered a blueberry pie, which I know my mother will like. I also ordered pumpkin because I haven’t had it in over a year. I didn’t make it last Thanksgiving and for Christmas, my brother in law turned the pie into soup. I have no idea how the hell that happened but I wasn’t touching it. I made pumpkin pie once but forgot the sugar so it was terrible. I thought the evaporated milk would be enough and didn’t realize the mistake until after I cooked it. I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes soon as the weather cools down and isn’t so damn muggy.

Early Morning Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.

Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.

Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.

I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.

I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.

I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.

Saturday Blog 31

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 31

I was able to sleep eight hours but it was broken in four hour increments. I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400 this morning. I have no reason why I was up so late other than being hypo. I wrote to my psychiatrist telling her the difficulties I was having. As my closing statement, I told her I was going to Hogwarts. I thought that was really funny. I really didn’t. I went to Grimmauld Place, where Harry is at the moment in “Order of the Phoenix”. Luckily, reading caused my brain to slow down enough to get some sleep. I don’t usually mind staying up late but last night was bad. I was so hyper I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep at all. I think I wrote a blog. I did a lot of writing in my journal and with my psychiatrist so I am sure I blogged about my midnight adventures.

Other than eating, I haven’t done anything else. I just finished a cup of tea. I am out of cream so I can’t have coffee. I will be glad when I get paid next week and can place my shopping order. I have ordered pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. It’s really muggy and I don’t know if that is what the week calls for. I know we are supposed to have rain the next few days but I don’t know if it’s going to be muggy. It’s supposed to be in the 70s, which isn’t bad if it’s dry and comfortable. It’s really hot in the house. I really don’t know how my mother can stand it. I wish she would get a wall unit AC but nope. I know the heat isn’t good for her diabetes and joints but what do I know according to her. Whatever, I will just freeze in my room.

Because my mother is in the living room, I am unable to watch my TV shows. I thought I could sneak one in but she is lying on the couch, taking a nap. Oh well. Maybe I will tomorrow morning when she is out of the house. I have no plans today other than reading Harry and possibly listening to the game tonight. If I don’t listen, I usually keep track through the internet and/or Twitter. I don’t know what the plan is for dinner. Probably a free for all. I have been eating crackers with peanut butter so I am full right now. My mother will probably make some kind of pasta.

I might take another nap. I am having a hard time concentrating and I am sleepy. I don’t think the cup of tea I had had enough caffeine in it to keep me awake. I’m not feeling depressed or anything. I just feel really tired. Being up half the night will do that to you. That is the downside of staying awake all night. I just hope I don’t catch my second wind later on tonight. That will suck to have another night of staying awake till 0400.

hypo again and ankle chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hypo Again and Ankle Chronicles

It’s close to 0200 and I show no sign of sleeping. I feel really hyper but in an organized kind of way. I wish I could get into a cleaning mode as my room could really use it but my hip is hurting and I know standing for any length of time will annoy it. My ankle is also giving me grief so I doubt standing or cleaning would be a good idea at the present time. I can barely sit without my hip hurting. I don’t know what set this episode off. I thought I was going to head towards a depression and then I got hyper when I realized it was midnight and I wasn’t tired.

I think I might be cycling, but I am not having true depressive episodes or sadness even. I just seem to go from a hyper state of being to being “normal”. I am not even suicidal, though I have been having passing thoughts of killing myself. They don’t last long, maybe a few minutes tops. And I don’t ruminate on them when I am like this. I am sure if I was in a depressive state, I would.

I am glad that I am seeing my doctor next week because my left eyelid has been extremely itchy and has a skin tag on it. I have been trying not to freak out and call it cancer but I can’t stand it being different than my right eye. Even the skin texture is different, but I am sure it is just dry because I don’t drink enough fluids during the day. I try to but it’s difficult because I don’t want to leak. But seeing as I will be having my blood drawn on Monday, I need to increase my fluids so my veins are better able to get attacked. I am a hard stick anyways but being dehydrated really makes my veins disappear.

I don’t know what set off my ankle tonight. I was watching the game in the comfort of my sister’s bedroom with my foot up most of the game. It wasn’t my bed but it shouldn’t make a difference. Anyways, by the 7th inning, I was in some deep pain. I was watching my niece and I knew that if I went upstairs to my room and back down again, it would only cause me more pain. I just stuck it out. I waited patiently for my sister to come home. It was approximately two hours later. Luckily, walking on it didn’t seem to bother it as much as standing still, which is weird. It was throbbing big time by the time I made it up to my room. Then I had to go back downstairs to the bathroom. Whatever I ate didn’t agree with me and my bowels went nuts. I hope they don’t act up anymore. They probably will because I took a senna with my meds. I am going to be really cleaned out.

I wrote several pages in my journal before I decided to blog. I am feeling the writing itch though my thoughts are as clear as they were before. I think the meds are starting to kick in. It’s weird that I am having a second episode of hypomania in a year. I usually just get it once and that is all. It is unusual for me to be hypo twice in a year. Course I have been hypo for most of the week. I hope this means that I will sleep for more than a few hours tonight as I am up so damn late. I am hungry but I am not going to eat as it is so late. The way I am feeling, you would think that I haven’t eaten anything at all, all day. I had steak and a sweet potato while I was at my sister’s and it made me quite full. But usually at this time, I get wicked hungry for some reason. Midnight cravings I guess. I really want a damn donut. I swear when I get my check, I am going to go to Dunkin and get a half dozen. I hear through FB that there might be a gourmet donut shop in the Square. That would be so awesome and yummy. Starbucks has an old fashioned donut that I really like. Okay, all this talk about donuts is not helping my hunger.

I took my pain meds three hours ago. I should be knocked out or at least close to it. But I am not. I feel another all nighter coming on. Question is, when am I going to get some sleep? It’s so hard to say when I am like this. My ankle/foot pain is not helping the situation at all. If I am not asleep in another half hour, I will take another dose of pain meds. It will be four hours since my last dose, so I think it will be ok. Sometimes, when I am in severe pain it takes another dose of meds to quiet things down and get me some rest. I don’t know if the pain is fueling the mania or vice versa at this point. I wish I felt euphoric but I don’t. I just feel content and a little sad. I am sad because this is happening to me and I don’t know why. Usually Bipolar disorder gets better with age not worse. I can’t say this is a relapse because I don’t typically get hypomanias. I am mostly depressed. This is quite unusual for me to be hypo. I so rather be depressed. It is what is normal for me. It is what is the expected.

OI, there is an advocate that I follow on Twitter and she is so fucking annoying. She thinks all her opinions are facts because she experienced it. Yet when I try and tell her how my experiences are, I am downplayed, like it doesn’t matter to her at all what I think. WTF is that? I should unfollow her. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. You would think she would be more open minded to people’s lived experiences but only hers counts? Doesn’t make sense. Then she states the obvious of how mental health professionals are uncomfortable talking to their patients about suicide. No fucking shit, really?? Where the hell have you been the last ten years?? Obviously not in the suicide field. Obviously not doing research about suicide like I have. So take that, Miss who-thinks-she-knows-it-all.