Category: depression

Migraine City

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Migraine City

I woke up early this morning around 0600. I had breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later with a headache. I didn’t think nothing of it so went about my business. I took a shower and surprisingly, it didn’t exhaust me. I got a text saying the bus route that I take to the square was really late. Great. So I finished getting dressed, got my headphones and went to the bus stop. I didn’t know how late the bus was and I didn’t want to miss it if it was close to being on time. I guess it was really late because I caught the other route that was going down Broadway. I figured I take that bus to get to the Square. By the time I got to Starbucks, my eye hurt really bad and the headache was worse. Hello migraine. There was nothing I could take for it as I didn’t have any pills on me. I didn’t have so much as an Advil. I just drank my coffee, hoping the caffeine would make the pain subside. By the time I was half way done with my coffee, the pain did subside. It was a minor ache but I still didn’t feel well. The pain travelled to the side of my neck. It wasn’t fun. I had an errand to do for my mother before catching the bus home. I ran it and then waited for the bus. As the bus got there, I got another text that the bus was running behind. It was five minutes late. Sucked but at least I wasn’t stranded at the station. My ankle was really hurting so there was no way for me to walk to Broadway to catch the other bus. I would have to wait for another bus route that went down the street to catch it.

After I got off the bus, I decided to go to Walgreens and get my pain medications filled. Damn pharmacist had a problem filling them because both were short acting pain meds. Fucking A. She had to call the office to verify what my doctor wrote. Now I have to wait another day to get my meds. My ankle is not happy as I was waiting. Once they told me it was going to be an hour I said I would pick it up tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be in the store an hour while my ankle was in the mist of a flare up. I got some migraine pills that were over the counter and turkey bacon as I had a coupon for it. I haven’t had turkey bacon in a long time. They also had my favorite flavor of Gatorade so I bought that, too. I figure it would help my migraine as they always say drink Gatorade for a migraine/headache.

I came home and got the mail. Now I am just going to relax with the AC on. If I get a message saying my prescription is ready, I will just pick it up tomorrow. I thought about picking it up later but my ankle is really hurting. I don’t know what I did but when I kicked off my sneakers, it really yelled at me. I took my migraine pill so I should get rid of this damn thing in a half hour. I hope by then my appetite comes back because I didn’t have lunch and it’s close to dinner time. While I was running the errand for my mother, I thought about getting her cod fillets. She usually eats fish on Fridays but they were expensive. For a tiny piece of fish it was close to eight bucks. My mother would kill me for spending that much money on it. If my headache is gone and I feel like eating, I plan on making my steak. That is all I want. I had Manwich last night. It was very good. I still have about three sandwiches left. That will be lunch tomorrow.

I emailed my pdoc giving her an update on my mood. I texted my therapist with the same info. Taking my morning mood stabilizer pill has helped with the hypos considerably, though I feel really numb and groggy. I took the pill early this morning after I had breakfast and it really knocked me out. That is why I didn’t think nothing of the headache when I woke up because I just thought it was a hangover. I am glad the hypos are being controlled but feeling nothing is worse. I don’t feel happy nor sad or content or depressed. I just feel absolutely nothing. I do feel somewhat weepy at times though. I don’t know what that is about.

I got an email for the class I registered for Monday night. Now I am getting really nervous about it. Shit just got real. The email said to bring an essay that was between 750-1500 words. I got that checked. It’s my Love/hate blog that I have been sending to the NY Times. I would really love to get this published there. I keep sending it a couple times a week. I think I got to change the message though. Maybe if I add that it’s a piece on suicide transference they might take it. I have been sending them the same message over and over again. Maybe if I spice it up with suicide talk it might be considered.

I am kind of nervous about the piece with a group of strangers. What if they don’t like my style of writing or think the piece is too morose? My pdoc liked the piece very much that she asked me what was I going to do with it so it can’t be that bad. It’s just that these people are real writers and I just don’t know how critical they are going to be. The class is on editing and making it more dynamic writing. I just hope my mood state doesn’t become irritable or too paranoid. I am really nervous because I have never met other writers before. I even bought business cards so I can share my info with other people when I go there. I think it would be nice to next work but the cards won’t come until next week, after the class. I could have paid extra shipping but it was more than twenty bucks. I don’t need them that bad! I do have some business cards but it has my old work information on it. I’d have to cross out everything for it to be current. It sucks that I have these cards and I can’t use them. Waste of money and paper. I only purchased them because we were doing a lot of studies and thought it was a good idea in case they wanted to get in touch with me. I don’t think I hand out one card. Course, now that I think about it, I could have sent it with the blood tubes instead of stickers. Always think of things in hindsight.

I hope my ankle pain subsides. I have enough pain meds to make it to Monday, in case my doc doesn’t get back to the pharmacy this weekend. Just sucks that I have to wait because of their concern. It’s signed by my doctor and he obviously knows what he is doing otherwise I doubt he would have written the prescription. Also, they could have just asked me why the prescription was written and I could tell them why. One of the pain meds I take for breakthrough pain, or when the pain is really severe (which is also indicated on the damn prescription). It’s not helping my headache worrying about it. I just hope it’s all cleared up by Monday or some people at corporate is going to hear my vexation!

Oh, and just to let you know, the word awesomesauce made it to the dictionary today but suicidality still isn’t in there. Go figure that one out.

Think the Hypos are Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Think the Hypos are gone

I think I am finally winding down since taking my mood stabilizer in the morning and evening, though I did feel a rush while going to my father’s apartment. It was brief and didn’t last long. I just felt the bus was moving slow. I usually take the bus to the station and then get off there but today I decided to take a bus to his house. It takes about the same about of time. I wanted to get a haircut today but didn’t. My feet were hurting me by the time all was said and done.

I was starving by the time I came home so made myself an egg and cheese burrito. It was good, though kind of bland. I didn’t use any seasoning for the eggs. I usually just put pepper but didn’t today. I scoffed it down and then had my blueberry pie. And then I got hungry again. I haven’t eaten anything since but I will in a couple of hours. I plan on making manwich tonight. Maybe steak tomorrow.

I had therapy today. Something is wrong with my therapist’s phone. I think she is going to have to upgrade even though she doesn’t want to. She kept going silent while we were talking, like the mute button was pressed or something. We talked about my current mood and how yesterday went. I mostly slept, which was unusual. I snoozed for a little bit and my niece napped. It was a nice trade off. I then fell asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up until 2300 or so. I stayed up to catch the score of the ball game and was shocked we kept a shutout going. We won and Taz got a save. I should sleep through a game more often! I took my meds and then went back to sleep. I slept a good seven hours straight. My therapist said that being hyper is exhausting. I guess it is. I just know that I am really tired instead of being hyper. I could go to sleep right now if I wanted to but I need to write this blog.

My checking account is still in the positive so I haven’t gone on any binges while manic. I am happy about that. I need to email my pdoc to update her on how I am doing. I didn’t email her yesterday because I got caught up with my babysitting duties and then taking a nap. I feel pretty numb. I don’t know if that is a precursor to crashing. I just know it is better than feeling “high” and racy. My thoughts are kind of slower than they have been. I finally was able to sit and read for a little bit this morning so I think I am headed in the right direction.

My therapist was curious about the class I will be taking Monday night. I told her it was an editing class and I hope I benefit from it. Otherwise, the money I spent would be wasted. I think she is most interested in this class than I am. I am just a bundle of nerves. It’s a three hour class. Should be fun. I am really looking forward to it but just nervous about it.

I was Facebooking and “Bones” has a new squintern. BETTY WHITE! No joke!! The show is going to be hilarious! I am wicked excited about this. Course I wonder who is leaving. Probably Daisy as she just had a baby.

worries 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I think if I am not “better” by next week, it will be time to think about the hospital even if I don’t want to go. Things are getting too weird, even for me. My pdoc is worried as she wanted to set up an appointment for tomorrow but I will be babysitting the next few days so can’t see her. I told her about my weird psychosis that is happening, but didn’t give much detail because I was afraid should would tell me I need to be in the hospital. I don’t think the hospital will do anything for me except drug me up so that I am not so hyper.

I woke up this morning with a cramp in my foot so took an Ativan. My throat is a little scratchy, too. I hope it’s not anything to worry about. I hate sore throats. If I get sick, I don’t care, I won’t go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being on a fucking psych unit and being ill, physically. You can’t have cough drops whenever you want them because they have to be ordered by a doctor. It sucks. Been there a few times and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to be in my own bed, where I could take Nyquil whenever I wanted to.

I had a good sleep finally. If I dreamed, I don’t remember them. It’s another muggy day. I wish I didn’t have to go out but I have to see my PCP. I am not looking forward to it. I just wish he would say nothing about my weight. And maybe he will. I don’t know. It always makes me nervous. Maybe I will bring some Ativan and slip him one. LOL just kidding. It’s going to be a longer appointment because it’s my stupid physical. I hate physicals. I think they are just a waste of time.

Checked my bank account and looks like the payment went through that I was hoping for. I am so relieved. I just placed my grocery and allergy meds order. Now I don’t have to worry about food for a month. I did shave off some of the stuff so it’s not quite as expensive and just got what I really need. I still ordered my steak. I will have it delivered tomorrow morning. I hope it does get delivered before my therapy appointment. I will be watching the munchkin but she is 10 years old and can be left alone for a little while so I can put my groceries away, and have pie.

I might add on ground beef so I can make manwich. But sometimes they don’t have the buns, which is weird because I order the stop and shop kind, not the name brand. Hopefully that was a one time thing. I haven’t made manwich in months. I am the only one that likes it so will eat it for a week. I am a true carnivore.

I really hope my mood settles down this week. I don’t think I can take another week of feeling on top of the world. It’s nice but I am waiting for the shoe to drop as I know it’s not going to last. It will suck if I get a deep depression after feeling good for two weeks. Just hope the psychosis bit stays away.

And the hypos continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

And the Hypos Continue

Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.

I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.

Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.

I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.

I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.