Category: depression

Mixed State?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mixed State?

The hyperness that I was feeling earlier today is wearing off but it seems that it comes back when I am ready to sleep. The past hour has been rough. I have been going from racy thoughts to agitation and back. I can’t seem to focus on anything as I am very irritable. I was listening to the Sox game and one of the announcers I can’t stand. He was so annoying me. Then the game got out of hand and we are now losing to Cleveland 5-1. I am so pissed off because our left fielder cannot play left field. He has fucked up more fly balls than anyone I have ever seen. Even the visiting teams can play the wall but this idiot can’t. And he was put in the lineup today after injuring his foot, because he wants to “contribute”. Yea, to the OTHER team! I had to turn the game off. Now I am agitated and I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I took my meds and added some perphenazine for the agitation. I hope it works.

I started writing in my journal about today’s events. I am thinking of writing a letter to my therapist. I have the itch to write despite all this stuff happening. I don’t know if my pdoc annoyed me today or not when she told me I was hypo. Now I can’t stop analyzing myself. I still feel pretty good, which is why I took the perphenazine as a precaution. I don’t need to be up till 3 AM. I have taken two pain pills and usually that slows me down some but it hasn’t tonight. I am thinking maybe this is the start of a mixed state. I just don’t know. It has been a long while since I last had one. In fact the last time I was hyper like this was back in February. I usually don’t become hypomanic so this is all new to me. The last time this happened it was followed by a severe depression that lasted several months with psychosis. I still am dealing with the delusions of the past psychotic episode. I told my pdoc today about them as every time I hear about ISIS and their god, it just reinforces my ideas. I think it was after I told her this, she said I was hypo. I don’t get it. How can feeling really good be hypomania? I know my sleep is fucked up, but that is my usual pattern. I have a couple of nights where my sleep is 3-4 hours and then I am up for about three hours, go back to sleep for another 3-4 hour stint and then be up for the day. Even my naps are short, if I do nap. Lately, I haven’t been able to. I am up at a certain time and then that is it. It varies. Sometimes, after I have therapy, I am able to take a nap. Therapy is difficult when your sleep is off. I keep trying to find stuff to talk about but sometimes I can’t so my therapist just talks. She likes talking.

The class that I was going to attend from the workshop place announced it today on Twitter. Now I am not so sure I can attend the class because there are only 12 seats available. I am just not sure I can register for the class in time because I don’t get paid until next week. It’s a class I really would like to take as it’s about editing drafts and such.

I haven’t got much of an appetite today. For dinner, I had peanut butter cracker sandwiches. It was too hot in the kitchen to make something. It might be 87 degrees outside but it’s like 100 in my house. I can barely stand the heat and humidity to gulp down the sandwiches. I don’t eat in my room. I am too afraid of bugs, even though there might be an occasional spider crawling around. I can’t sleep until I catch it or I know that it has crawled out of my reach and away from me where I can’t get it.

I have been thinking more about writing my story and will start tomorrow on it. I want to think about this a bit before I get it on paper. Before the game, I was listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD on YouTube. It sounds really good. Only song I didn’t listen to in its entirety was scarecrows because it was a very slow song compared to the rest of the album. Luke showed his southern drawl in that song. It wasn’t a love song from what I was gathering from the lyrics either. I don’t think the song will make it to the radio. I loved the duet with the lead singer from Little Big Town. I forget her name. That song might make it to the radio. I can’t wait to get the album next week. Seems a lot of country artists are teaming up more today than they were a few years ago. They co-write songs and hang out. Course there are more male artists than female, which is sad. Maddie and Tae seem to be the leading duo vocalists now that Sugarland disbanded. And Thompson Square hasn’t come out with new music since I don’t know when. They had a song called Trans Am but I have yet to hear it on the radio, but then it’s hard to get new music up in Boston than say down in Nashville. There are only two country stations in Boston and they both play the same songs, though I usually just hear WKLB more than the other station. KLB has been around the last twenty years. The other station just opened up last summer. I have never heard a DJ whenever I listen to them. I like KLB better anyway as I know the DJs for so long, even though two of them left the station a few months ago. I was heartbroken. The new guys stink, especially the one from 2-7. I can’t stand him. He is way too young and likes to talk more than play the music.

My ankle is still hurting me from this afternoon. I can’t seem to get it to calm down. I have tried swearing, they say that is good for when you are in pain but it hasn’t seemed to work too well. Pain meds have worked minimally. Course I have been up and down the stairs a few times so it didn’t like that one bit. I wish I could figure out why this pain flares up when it does. It doesn’t make any sense because I really didn’t walk too much today. Maybe I should take some nerve pain meds and see if that quiets it down some. Then I can differentiate between physical pain and nerve pain. It might also help calming down so I am not up all night. Last time I took the meds, I slept seven hours straight. I only woke up because I had to pee. Then I went back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was nice to sleep that long. But my meds seem to be kicking in so maybe I won’t be needing the meds. My foot is still throbbing like it usually is. I haven’t taken anymore pain meds as its too early to do so. Maybe I will just take one of the nerve pain meds so that I see what happens. I was planning on taking two. I see the physiatrist this week. I know he will be prodding me. Last time I was in agony that night. I am not looking forward to that appointment.

Hypos Return

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hypos Return

I saw my pdoc today. Things went well and then towards the end of our time, she gave me a concerned look. I asked what was up and she said I was hypo. I laughed. She said I was racy. I really didn’t feel racy until I left her office. She is concerned about my sleeping patterns of 3-4 hours at a time and said that if I am getting just 2 hours a night to let her know. I had one 3 hour night about a week and half ago, while she was on vacation. I am so used to this cycle that it didn’t phase me that I could be hypo. I am not feeling my usual depression. I don’t feel “high” or extra good, just feel really upbeat which isn’t usual for me. I have been catching myself singing out loud while listening to music so I just thought I was in a good mood. It’s weird for me to be this way because I am always in the dumps. But I will take it because it doesn’t happen often. And this is not medication induced. I stopped taking my antidepressant in December of last year. I stopped it because it lost its effectiveness. I don’t know how I am going to be two weeks from now when I see her again. I probably will be depressed.

I am getting stuff done. I edited the paper that I wrote the other night. I am really pleased with this paper. It’s probably the first paper that I wrote that I think doesn’t suck. It does have a few redundancies but other than that, I really like it. I don’t know if it is because my mood is good that I am thinking everything is grand right now, but I don’t care. I just hope when this mood wears off, as it inevitably will, I don’t become psychotic like my usual pattern is. My pdoc asked if I had something other than coffee today. I told her I didn’t have an espresso drinks. I just wanted a coffee as I didn’t have one yesterday. It was Pike’s Place. I didn’t feel like having a clover. Just wanted some coffee and fast. I was feening for it. I can’t go too many days without caffeine or I will get a headache.

I told my pdoc that I made a mistake about seeing my therapist three times next week. She didn’t seem to have anything to say about it except if insurance will pay for it. My insurance has yet to limit the amount of sessions I have with my therapist. As long as they pay, I am happy. But sometimes it sucks because I put so much time in and feel like it’s not really helping me at all. I still am on the fence on whether to continue but I know my therapist won’t go for it. It’s not like I am feeling so well that I want to stop. I just feel like I need a break but she has been on vacation for three weeks so I have been getting a break. I am not writing to her this vacation period. She has a shitload to read since she wanted me to write to her last time. She said she would read while on vacation to get caught up on my activities.

My ankle really hurt by the time I came home. It’s puffy like a blowfish. I am trying to stay off it as much as possible but I am kind of antsy and can’t stand staying in my room with my foot up. I guess I am hypo as I have energy I don’t normally have. My mind is full of thoughts of what to do and such. I really want to start the next Harry Potter book, “Order of the Phoenix”. I finished “Goblet of Fire” last night. I didn’t realize how much Voldemort talked after he became a human again. The thing that gets me is that he is against mixed blood wizards yet he is a mixed blood himself. It’s very strange. I think I will ask JK Rowling why that is as I never understood this concept. I am following her on Twitter. She seems responsive to questions about the book.

I know I sent my blog “Haylor” to my pdoc but she said she never got it so I sent it again. I also told her that I am continuing to send the NY Times my “Love/Hate” blog. I have been sending it for weeks now with no response. I might have to up the ante a little. I wish there was a good opening line that I could use that would bring their attention to it. But I am not good at that kind of stuff. I am hoping that this workshop that I am attending on Wednesday can help with it. I have never been good at “selling” my stuff. I am too critical. But I know this blog is meaningful and too important to just stay on my blog. I would love for it to be published, officially, somewhere. I would write it in my book but it doesn’t fit with the other stories. Being hypo might give me an edge. I can write about the struggle of it and see where it gets me. It is apart of mental illness so it will fit, even though it’s not really dark. I guess a couple of stories about being hypomanic wouldn’t hurt. I could write about the time I thought I was god and thinking I could stop a train with my bare hands. That was the first time I was hypo. I was on Prozac at the time and it was thought it was medication induced so I stayed off meds for a while. When the mood swings would stop, that is when I was started on lithium and my journey with mood stabilizers began. I didn’t think for one moment that I had bipolar disorder. I just thought it was recurrent major depression with psychosis nos for most of my life. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized last year that my pdoc wrote the diagnosis formally on a lab slip that I found out. If I was depressed then, it got worse as I didn’t think I was bipolar. But according to the criteria of Bipolar II, I fit the description. It still makes me depressed when I think about it. I don’t know why it does but it does. I guess it’s because I know that it gets worse before it gets better and with my suicidal history, I am more likely to kill myself before it does. Fun thoughts, eh?

Sunday with no coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally blogged my paper last night. I thought about editing it and might end up doing it today. I was fairly tired after I typed up the five pages of writing I did for this paper. I put in a lot of work. It was well received by the people of Twitter. There was more that I wanted to write and if I do edit, I will put in more thoughts. It was blatantly obvious that people with lived experience were excluded from the thought process of these terms. However, the articles I were referencing were for researchers/clinicians. I am neither, though I am sort of a researcher as I like reading about the studies that have to do with suicide and suicide attempts. My library is evidence of that. I am a suicidologist at heart. If I ever do get the five grand, I will get a certificate in suicidology.

My Sox are sucking today with a rookie pitcher on the mound. Fuck. He just gave up his 3rd homerun of the game. UGH. It’s 7-0 Seattle. This might end up being a laugher, or revenge as we have kicked their butts the last two days. I don’t know if my boys can catch up.

My cream went bad so I didn’t have coffee today. I sure could use it. I am so sleepy. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep but it’s so difficult when you don’t have caffeine on board. I have been adding to my grocery list for my online order. It’s very easy to run up a tab as you just click, click, click on things. Half and half is definitely on my list.

I plan on getting in a shower sometime this evening. Also need to finish “Goblet of Fire”. It has been slow going because I tend to dissociate while I am reading. It hasn’t been pleasant to get totally involved in the book and find that only a half hour has past. It feels like more time has gone by and I am disoriented when I put the book down. I haven’t an explanation about why this happens. It could be because I secretly want to be a wizard. Having magic would be so great. But with the book, you just get lost in it. I don’t know if I am reading faster and that is why I get lost or because the writing is brilliant.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Game is still going on. They are in the 12th inning and Seattle is threatening with the bases loaded. Sox have tied up the game at 8. And there goes the game as they are putting in Ross, who likes to score inherited runners. I hate him. He is such a sucky pitcher.

Saturday Blog 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30

Last night I was in a lot of pain. I slept for a few hours and then had a bad dream that woke me up around 0100. I stayed up till around 3 and then slept for a few more hours. I didn’t have to get up for any reason. When I did, I made some coffee. I also made some toast to have something in my stomach. I have been listening to the ball game. We are killing the Mariners right now, 15-2. We have scored so many runs to make up for most of the month in the last two games. I hope they continue to go well but they are playing a sucky team with a similar record to the Sox. Though I don’t know what happened to the “King”. He usually is a dominant pitcher but we chased him from the game in the 3rd inning.

When the ball game is over, I plan on typing up what I wrote yesterday. I can’t wait to get this paper written up and done. It is something that I started out as fun but is turning into a chore. I really thought it was just going to be an easy blog but the terms have proved more difficult than it’s worth. I just hope the people that read it like it.

I can’t believe that I had another bad dream for the second night in a row. I don’t know if pain has something to do with it. It just sucks because I am feeling really sluggish for most of the day from lack of good sleep. Even though I had coffee, I still don’t feel up to task. But I know that I will catch my second wind sometime after seven. It’s a hot day today and muggy. I am staying in my room, like I usually do. I really would like to be in my office and work from there but I have crap on my desk chair that I don’t feel like moving. It will be hot in there and I work better in cooler conditions. My room is the only room that has the AC.

College football season starts in about three weeks. I cannot wait. My teams, Nebraska and Ohio State, are playing and luckily are at different times. I have been looking forward to college football since the Sox started really sucking, which was about a few weeks ago. I usually don’t pay attention to any football until baseball season is officially over but I make an exception to college ball. OSU won the National Championship last year and were almost undefeated. They lost their first game and won all subsequent games. It was tough because their main QB got hurt and went out for the season. Then the backup QB got injured close to the end of the season. Their 3rd QB brought them to the championship game. I don’t know who is going to be their starting QB, the 2nd or 3rd. I haven’t heard anything. I am hoping it is the 3rd QB. He has some moves. The main QB is now a WR.