Category: depression

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.

writing and cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I kept on having bad dreams and waking up every couple of hours. I woke up feeling hungover from lack of sleep. I needed coffee so I set out to Starbucks soon as I got up as the bus would be coming soon. I had my Carmel Macchiato with four shots. I didn’t drink it all because the espresso settled and it was really bitter. I drank as much as I could while working on the nomenclature paper. I think I have bit off more than I can chew with this one. It is hard to describe the terms without actually quoting from the paper I am getting it from so I had to quote a lot. I tried to use my language as much as possible but the terms were difficult to describe as they were so outlandish. I have four pages to type up. I just hope I can read my handwriting or it’s going to be difficult.

I sent my therapist the rant I made about this part 2 paper. I think she read it because it has a couple of hits on my blog today. I might include some of that rant into this paper because it might stress the aggravation of dealing with terms that are useless. I kind of feel bad that for about ten years, these authors have been mulling around these terms and their concluding terms just didn’t hold water to a lit candle. The terms were so confusing, it really is no surprise they didn’t take hold. All in an effort to “simplify” things.

I got a thing for my former work place about my pension. I don’t know what it means. It was just another policy revision update thingy they send every year. I threw it in the recycle bin. I am keeping the pension as “cash” so that the stock market doesn’t lose my savings. I worked hard for this pension, fourteen years of labor went into it and I will be damned to lose it because of a bad investment on the part of people I don’t know. If I had the money, I would buy stocks in Starbucks and a couple of pharmaceutical companies. Then I would just put the money in a CD or something and call it a day. But I am on disability and don’t think I can do these things. I would love to roll it over to my personal IRA account but I don’t know how to do that. So I am just letting the money accrue interest where it is sitting.

After I finished writing this terminology paper, I decided to leave Starbucks. I just missed the bus so decided to walk down the street to catch the one going away from the Square. I thought I could handle it as I was feeling okay but halfway down, my calves started to flare up and so did my ankle. There was a bench that was about 500 feet from me so I walked slowly towards it and then sat down for a few minutes to walk another 300 feet to the bus stop. I am hurting big time now. I am glad I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I am going to need a day of rest. I think part of the reason I got so tired was because I didn’t eat anything. I had a cheese Danish while I was at Starbucks but I didn’t have breakfast or lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. It’s almost 1600 and I still am not feeling really hungry. I plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I have been craving one for the past few days but haven’t made it. I want my mother to make it because I usually end up burning it. I suck at cooking things that have no specific directions. If it has a recipe, I am usually good with it. I used to make a good chicken dish that was from Campbells. All you needed was the stuff that came in the box, fresh chicken breast and boom, you had dinner in a half hour. I used to make it for my coworkers as my mother didn’t like it and it was way too much for one person. Those were the days when I had time to cook and could do so without pain. Now I am lucky to take a 10 minute shower or make scrambled eggs when I want. I don’t wash the dishes, only because my mother has her own ritual as to how they are to be done and put in the dishwasher. I have my way, she has hers. I will only wash my pans and dishes if she isn’t around.

Mine Would Be You

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Mine Would Be You

Listening to this song and thought it would be the title of this blog, for no reason other than Blake Shelton sings it.

I did my errands today and had therapy. We discussed the article that pissed me off last night (see previous blog for rant). She couldn’t believe the terms they had come with. She is anxious to read the paper on it. So I either will have to write it this weekend or sometime next week. Next week will be kind of difficult as I have appointments the beginning of the week. I would like to get it done tomorrow and then type it up at my leisure.

During therapy, I got the serious need for a nap. I could barely stay awake. After therapy, I lasted about an hour and then succumbed to a little rest period for about an hour. I wanted to sleep but I just couldn’t. Thoughts of what we talked about were swirling around my head. I told her about the mini flashback I had yesterday afternoon after I had written my blog for the day. Just writing about my experience cause some PTSD to happen. It wasn’t pleasant. But luckily my niece wanted to watch TV with me so it provided the distraction I needed. I told her that writing about my experiences when younger was going to be problematic and now she understood. I hope she doesn’t want me to pursue that line of writing again.

We talked about my upcoming birthday and how I am dreading it very much. I honestly don’t want to live to be that age. She doesn’t want me to kill myself like I would like to. I just feel like a loser because I thought I would have a career by now that I would enjoy. I thought I would also have my degree in something and I would be satisfied with that, even if that meant working in the lab the rest of my life. Nope, I had a breakdown in 2008 and have been scared to go back to college. I am scared because I really don’t want a psychotic break like I had. I ignored the psychosis so I could get things done for almost nine months. By the time the fall semester rolled around, I was in some deep psychosis that 4 mg of trilafon couldn’t handle. I forget what I was taking at the time or if it was the third hospitalization that abilify was introduced to combat the delusions and voices I was experiencing. I just know that what I was taking was not working and I was close to being put on clozapine to handle the psychosis. Stress at work and school were just too much. 2008 was a big year in my life. It was the first time that I had presented a poster at the American Association of Suicidology. I went to Barcelona, Spain with my research work group for a few days. It was so great to get that opportunity. So I couldn’t be taking drugs that affected my cognition. It was a surreal year. Unfortunately, it caused me considerable distress. It took a very long time, almost a year to get stabilized. Now I can’t go without those meds at all. I have tried to get off them but soon as I am off for a few weeks, the delusion and paranoia start up again.

Thank goodness my therapist didn’t want me to write to her while she was away this time. She said that she will be reading the material I sent her while she is gone. I was hoping she would have read the letter I sent her last week but she didn’t. I have a feeling the questions I asked her in that letter are going to remain unanswered.

Ramblings 82

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My doctor’s office finally got back to me about their error in sending my meds to the wrong place. However, I received my meds today in the mail. Least I will have the prescription at Walgreens when I will need it next month. So although I missed the morning dose (mail came later than two in the afternoon), I will at least have the evening dose. I will check my blood pressure just to make sure it is within the normal limits as I am sure the stress of dealing with this has elevated it a little bit.

I have been sleepy all day because I am in a hot house. I am watching my niece and although there is a cool breeze now and then, it is not enough to cool down the kitchen. It’s 80 degrees out. I would love to be in my AC’d room right now. Though it might be stuffy because I shut the AC off. No use in wasting energy when I am not there. I hope I don’t have to cook for my niece. I hate cooking anything in the heat. I would have to shut off the ceiling fan and it’s providing the air circulation that I need to be a little cooler.

I might take a shower tonight because I feel kind of gross. I had taken a shower yesterday but in this heat, you kind of need one regularly, sometimes twice a day. I am dreading it because showers tend to make me more tired than refreshed. I will try and take one after the game. Game started early today, which I am grateful. Now I can take my meds on time and fall asleep earlier, I hope!

I have been reading most of the day, a most boring book called “Brilliant Blunders”. It was interesting when I knew the material they were talking about but now he is talking about astrophysics and I don’t have a clue what he means. Even his explanations are pages long. I got the book because I thought it was interesting, but the part I am reading is not. I hope it gets better or I am just going to stop reading it.

I don’t know if I said this in a previous blog or not, but the article I was reading on the terminology of suicide was not the article that has the “right” terms. I read the conclusion and it said to turn to part 2 to find what they have decided on. I am so pissed I spent two days highlighting and thinking about the damn article only to find it wasn’t correct. I have been thinking of using is as background information, like this article says, if I read that damn title. It reiterated the article written in 1996 by O’Carroll et al. So when I finish reading part 2, which should be sometime tomorrow, I will report my findings and interpretations.

I talked with my therapist today. Before session ended, she asked me about my writing, again. She really wants me to write about the delusions from my teen years. But I can’t without the risk of it being a trigger. I fear I might get sucked into that world again and might not come back out of it. I barely managed to escape. I always questioned whether I gave into the voices the night I was traumatized beyond my wildest dreams, if I would have become schizophrenic or perhaps schizoaffective. I was 15 when this all happened so who knows how it would have played out. I had deflected the conversation by asking her if she checked her mail. I had sent her two letters last week, one was sentimental. The other was a bunch of questions that I feel were relevant to our relationship. I wrote that letter in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and songs on the radio made me question our therapy.

I wasn’t in a very private place where we could talk as I didn’t want my niece to hear our conversation so kept it to minimal stuff. She would ask the hard questions of where my suicidality was and I would answer with a yes or a no. We did get into an animated discussion about the paper that pissed me off. I hope that my niece didn’t hear the terms I was saying. She is 10 so may or may not understand them, if she did hear me. She will be going on vacation next week. That so sucks because she just came back. She still has not read half of the packets I sent her from her last vacation. I probably won’t write to her this vacation. It’s only a week she will be away, this time. I expect the next time she is off will be the holidays.