Category: transgender

a writing ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, transgender

A fellow blogger wrote a blog today about “why write depression every day”. It got me thinking about why I blog every day. Most of my post have to do with depression or pain or some combo of the two. It’s very rare that I don’t write about my feelings of the day, unless I am on a specific topic.

I write every day because it makes me feel better. Blogging is the one tool that I use to express myself. Sometimes it is received favorably, other times, not so much. But I don’t care that much for the likes or comments anymore. I just write anyway. It takes me out of the dark hole that I am in and brings me closer to the light. Writing has helped me deal with the darkness more than therapy has in the last ten years. I like that I can write and express what I feel, no matter how dark, and I find that I am not the only one. Others have feelings like I do about being depressed and suicidal.

Last night, I was talking with some people on the SPSM chat on twitter. It was very interesting. I would love to have Jobes on twitter but I don’t think he will ever be for it. The talk was how to get more therapists in to social media. And that is a tough thing to do. Hell, I have a therapist that is against email so how am I going to get her to twitter? Probably not. There was no specific topic about suicide just about how to spread social media out to mental health professionals. It was an interesting discussion.

The one topic that I am hoping to get around to one of these days, is transgender and suicide. I think it is a hot topic that needs to be addressed by professionals and is just getting ignored. All my therapy always focused on my abuse history but if they saw me, they would have known that I am gay and that I was hurting because of it. Asking questions, in the right way, to a transgender person can be life saving. I wish someone had asked me rather than me coming to the realization 30 years later. I could have had treatment a lot sooner and I could have been happier. Now I am stuck in a body I hate and that I still want to kill. It just isn’t right. Even though my psychiatrist has known me since I was 17, she still thinks of me as a “her”. I almost died when she called me a “girl” at our last appointment. I don’t know if she is baiting me to correct her or she just is ignorant. I have been thinking of writing her an email about it but I don’t think that will solve the problem. I think I am always going to be a “female” in her eyes.

what would be the point

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, transgender

I still am not feeling myself. I feel very suicidal and every bottle of pills looks like an answer to me. I am trying very hard to resist the urges but it is very difficult. I got my new pain medication and the pills are smaller. They will be easier to swallow but I am trying not to think about that. My therapist will have an earful when I talk to her tomorrow. I am glad we have an extra session on Thursday, too. Seems like I always need more sessions when I am suicidal than when I am doing “okay”. But I never seem to be okay. I am either in a suicidal mood or a depressed mood. There isn’t a normal one anymore.

I tried to talk with my editor last night about how my book is coming and got no where. This waiting SUCKS!!!!!!

I decided I wanted potatoes and hotdogs for supper tonight so I am cooking them now. The potatoes will take forever so I am hoping in an hour I will have supper. I have the dogs thawing so they will be easier to cut.

I did a lot of walking today. I tried to walk off my frustrations about last night but it didn’t help. I am still suicidal. I am not hospital bound suicidal though. Right now I am just thinking about it more than I should. I don’t plan on acting on it, though I think if something were to push me further, I might. I was talking to a blogger friend last night before my meds conked me out. It was a good chat. She was trying to validate me being a guy. But there shouldn’t be any type of validation, I should just be a guy and that is that! I am a son not a daughter! I am so confused. But every time I bring it up, so does the suicidal thoughts so maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. I am just exhausted from dealing with it. I am exhausted from walking too. My foot is going to thank me later, I just know it.

I got a new blog follower that is a psychologist. That makes two that I have. I feel kind of honored. I don’t know them outside of my blog, which is good, but then, I don’t know half of my blog followers anyway. All part of being anonymous.

I don’t know what I am really going to say to my therapist other than she put me in a tailspin of suicidal thoughts all because she wanted me to move forward with my TG issues. I think she thinks it is an “easy” solution to my suicidal thoughts…deal with the TG and then you decrease the suicide thoughts. I wish it worked that way but it doesn’t, and it failed miserably last night. I am so out of sorts I haven’t even texted her today that I am so miserable. I thought about sending her my blog but what would be the point. It would be similar to my TG suicidal mind blog and that I am ashamed. She brought that up last night and it hurt like hell. I don’t know why I felt hurt but I did. But then, a lot of stuff hurt me last night and the realization that I am never going to be a guy hurt more than I can ever write about. I could let it go but what if my suicidality gets out of hand and she has no clue why? I know she is not that stupid but she is more for containment of my suicidal thoughts than dealing with the whys. In fact, I think most clinicians think that if they magically deal with suicidal containment, then they don’t have to deal with the why. It’s all messed up.

I am glad I don’t have therapy today and maybe I will text my therapist later tonight that I am having a hard time. Maybe I won’t. I am still wicked pissed at her. She knows how the TG stuff activates my suicidality sometimes. I just can’t believe she would do it and then not assess me afterwards. That part drives me crazy. Granted I wasn’t immediately suicidal after session but as the night wore on, I found myself having more and more suicidal thoughts. Hence why I wrote that blog. Maybe I am the idiot here.

remaining question

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, transgender

I had to ask her the remaining question she had for me at the end of session Thursday. I could have just let it be but no, curiosity got the better of me. And I knew it was going to be an unpleasant subject: my being transgender. The question was how did I see myself moving forward. Trouble is, I don’t see how I am going to go forward. I will never be a son to my parents nor a brother to my sisters. And that hurts. She is probably the only person in the world that sees me as a guy. I have one friend that sees me that way but I don’t see him often enough. I feel so torn because I was brought up as a girl and I keep thinking to myself I am crazy because I am a boy. I asked her the question and now I am all torn up about what to do with the answers. What is worse, she brought up my suicidality and I feel that it has been stirred up again. I truly rather die than try to “fight” as a male. I even begun to call myself a “her” though it is so idiosyncratic. It doesn’t even jibe with what I feel. I just figure I will die some day and that will be that. But my book is coming out and soon the world will know I am a guy, a “he” not a “she”. Yet, I know it is because of the things on my chest that are truly defining me not my mentality. How I wish I could just lob them off, for good. Maybe I should have gone to medical school just to learn a little bit about surgery. Too late now.
I had to ask the question and I won’t talk to her again till Wednesday. It’s only 48 hrs. But I will be wrestling with my suicidality until then. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who will understand. And my crazy cousin will be calling me soon to discuss his anxiety problems. I think I am going to tell him tonight that I am a male. Maybe he won’t talk to me again. Maybe he will think I went off my rocker. I won’t tell him about being suicidal. He doesn’t like talk like that. But then he has known me all my life as a female and calls me such. I don’t know what to do. Why this has to be so fucking difficult. Yet I know that if I didn’t ask her what her question was, all of this turmoil wouldn’t be felt. I feel so stupid. She thinks this is the answer to my suicidality by going forward being transgendered. I have no idea what the hell it means. Just changing my damn name seems like a hassle. And it’s not that I am changing it drastically to something else. I don’t know. You think about these things but you never think them all the way through. If I had the support of my family, maybe things might be different. But they can’t even handle my homosexuality. How in the world are they going to handle me being a man? I might as well just end up six feet under. It will be better for everyone. When the truth hits the fan, if my book is ever published, maybe then it will be easier to kill myself.

Saturday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, transgender, writing

Saturday Blog

I have decided to create a blog called a Saturday blog because I will write it on Saturday. Today I am really struggling. I feel like crap. I woke up early, had breakfast, and then went back to sleep. My ankle was bothering me so I had some pain killers that knocked me out until my fricken crazy cousin kept calling my house and my sisters looking for me. He was under the impression that I had a doctor’s appointment today and he was going to take me to it. I had told him I did on Monday as he wanted to get together for lunch. Monday is kind of a busy day for me. I have therapy in the morning and then see my pdoc in the afternoon. I also have to get there early to sign up for state insurance as I will need it come June. I will just take the financial worksheet that medicare gave me and see if that will suffice for income.

Although my sister told me that I don’t need to file taxes because I am under a certain amount, I feel like I need to. This is the first time in my entire adult life that I won’t be filing. I won’t be getting anything back but I just feel like I should file just in case. I know SSD filed for me and I don’t really have to file but I know I should file my state taxes but I don’t have a printer to do so. I am very anxious about it. I would go to H&R Block like I did last year but it cost me $150 (USD) to file and I don’t have that kind of money nor do I think I should pay that much when I am getting nothing back. I think I have to file my state because of the new law about health insurance. You have to prove that you have it for the fiscal year or you get penalized. I have to file paperwork because of my disability status. I rather just go through H&R Block just so I don’t have to deal with it and they know the taxes better than I do. I hate filing paperwork. I wish I could file electronically but its all complicated now with the different forms. I don’t have W2 but forms. It’s all confusing to me.

Still no fricken word from the editor. I am starting to go out of my mind. I so want to publish this book and be done with it. But like I said in my previous blog, it comes with fears. But I think I am strong enough to deal with it. For the first time ever I feel comfortable in my own skin. I still don’t like it when my mother calls me “she” but I am getting used to it. I don’t think that is ever going to change. I might feel like a he but I am never going to look like one to the outside world. It is really depressing if I think about it. I try not to but this morning I was and I felt suicidal. It didn’t last too long but it was still there. As I told my therapist the other day, if I had a chance to kill myself I would. I just still believe I would be better off dead. I mean, I am never going to be a man. I am stuck in this fricken woman’s body that I completely hate. And because I am a dickhead with money, I will never have the money for surgery to remove my damn things on my chest. I have thought about going to Mexico or some other country to get my breasts removed but then I thought, what if I developed an infection because the surgeon just wanted the money or I am left badly scarred. But then I have thoughts of doing it myself and what kind of job would that be? I know there is an organization in my area that deals with LGBT issues. But I am so afraid that if I make that step, there is no going back. And I also am afraid that I will have to make that commitment to myself. But I am just not there yet. I am afraid that they will have these weird requirements to get the hormones and stuff. Like I will have to lose weight or work out to build muscle but I don’t want to do stuff like that. I am not a weight builder. I never was interested in building muscle I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard and a full mustache. But no matter how baggy my shirts are these things on my chest always sticks out. I know it is worse with my weight and I am trying to lose but it is just so hard. I want to try and lose another fifteen pounds but that will take some doing. Trying to control caloric intake is so difficult, especially when you love sweets and potato chips. I try not to buy but my mother does and there goes my will power. Like this morning I had chips while making my egg sandwich. Granted I was looking for pizza from last night but there wasn’t any left over, or if it was, I don’t know where my mother put it in our full fridge. She has a bunch of left over food and I just don’t like eating leftovers.

So tonight, my crazy cousin invited me over for dinner. I am debating taking a shower. My ankle has already yelled at me once today for standing too long. I don’t want to take more pain meds today because I will just go back to sleep. I just had a cup of coffee so I am awake now. But take a couple of pills and I will be down for the count. He is making sausages and potatoes. I haven’t had that in a while. I try to stay away from sausages because my cholesterol is a little bit high right now. But I know it is high because I have not been as mobile as I have been. Soon as the weather becomes nicer, I will start a walking regimen. If I can tolerate walking around the block a couple of times, I might venture further out. But it all depends on how I do. So far I know my limits and it all depends on if I am in pain or not. I know I have to wear my AFO more. I don’t like wearing it but it’s the only way I can walk without feeling more pain than without it.