Tag: baseball

Disgusted

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, suicide attempt

Sox just lost, again. I know I should be sleeping but wanted to know the final score before turning in. They just suck so bad. They keep talking about selling but I’m not sure I know what that means. I just know if they want to salvage the season some serious changes need to happen, like getting a new hitting coach. The already got a new pitching coach so why not a hitting coach. That will solve the other problem they have, hitting! And maybe if they string enough hits, it might lead to runs, which might lead to wins.

I was going over my blogs tonight and found I had another delusional spell back in 2012. Thing is, I don’t remember it at all. I wrote about it but even then it’s cryptic.

I saw my father today and he held me hostage until he took his pills and drank some coffee. I guess he just wanted someone to talk to for a bit. I had the time. I usually am rushed as I just want to do his pills and then get the hell out of there. I usually have an appt with my therapist but not this week. She is still on vacation. She will be back next week though.

I am at the big train station as I will be going south of Boston to have dinner with friends. I just finished lunch and am trying to muster up the energy to write. Its wicked hot here so I am kind of uncomfortable. If it was 10 degrees cooler I might be able to have energy to write.

I brought the printout of what I wrote about the delusions. I’m hoping to work on it but don’t know if I will. I have been up since early this morning and I’m kind of dragging. Maybe a coffee will perk me up.

Random 532

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I just come home from a night out with friends. I turn on the baseball game and they lost the 4-1 lead. Starting pitcher allowed a few hits, balk, and then a homerun. Game is now being lead by KC. I am so fucking pissed. The Sox lost the game 7-4. Assholes.

I had a good time out with my friends. We saw my adopted nephew in a dance recital and then went out to dinner. I overate big time. I don’t think I am going to eat tomorrow. I am just a stuffed pig right now. And my stomach is hurting. I always seem to get a stomach ache after eating a very large meal. It just makes me very uncomfortable. I should know better.

I had emailed my “Love/Hate” blog to my psychiatrist. She really liked it. She said it was the best piece she has ever read about this issue. It made me feel good that she likes my writing. I wonder if my therapist is going to read both blogs I sent her. It’s funny, but I wanted her opinion on the 1st blog that I sent her on Darkness, not the “love/hate” one. Maybe the other one was stupid and that is why she didn’t comment on it. I haven’t received any comments on the “Darkness” blog since putting it out there. But then, I generally don’t get comments on my blogs.

I was reading a blog on my fellow blogger friend. She is having a hypomanic episode right now. She tried getting in touch with me earlier but I was too tired to talk. Between the meal and then the little walk on the beach afterwards, I was pretty exhausted. I was out of the house for a good eight hours, the longest I have been out in a long time. I didn’t enjoy the walking on the sand much but I did love the water. I love being by the water and watching the waves roll in. It kind of sucked because a truck was playing awful music full blast. It was interrupting the tranquility of the moment.

I feel sad now that I am back to being alone in my house. It’s past 0300 and my mother is asleep. I just woke up with a stomach ache and a bad dream. And now my foot is throbbing. Never fails. It won’t be hurting me when I wake up right away but soon as I am, bam! I am hurting. I took some meds so I am not hurting anymore and maybe get back to sleep. The dream was about working in an LGBT office. My boss was asking me why I hadn’t tucked my boobs in. And I pretty much said that I didn’t know how. She then said that we will go shopping so I can find something that works for me. Then I woke up. I never had a dream like that before. I have bought some things that would constrict my chest but they were always so small because I am a very large person. The last time I bought something, it was from China I think and even though it was extra large, It still didn’t fit half way across my body. Some people have suggested I wrap an ace bandage around myself. But how do you do that alone? Besides, as much as I hate my chest, I don’t like constriction. I have enough of that psychologically that I don’t want it physically.

I am feeling very sad and I don’t know why. It’s not the depression that I usually feel. I just feel really sad. It’s Father’s day and I won’t be going out with my family to “celebrate” it with him. I really need to rest my ankle as I have been doing too much the last few days. I guess I feel sad because I have a father rather than a dad. I can’t change that and it makes me sad. My father will never be what I want him to be and that is a loss. I have trouble dealing with it because I once had my father on a pedestal where he could do no wrong. I had believed in him and now I can’t believe a word he says. He is more of liar than anyone I know.

It also makes me sad that my pain interferes with my ability to go to functions and have a “life” with my family. Sure, I could ignore the pain but at what cost? I know this won’t bode well for me and I have a busy week ahead between picking up my niece and then having my appointments. I have an appointment with the NP for my pain management and also for my pap. I am not looking forward to either. I have gained weight so I really don’t want to see a doctor’s office. But I think if I limit my eating the next few days, I might be able to slim down. Having a stomach ache helps. Then I have to deal with a female exam. Everyone that I talk to says that it is important that I have it done. But I am a male. I shouldn’t have it done. I am nervous about it because I haven’t had one in 10 years or so. I am scared that I will leak. I will try and use the bathroom before the appointment but that is no guarantee that I still won’t leak. I once went to the bathroom before taking a shower and after the shower, I still leaked. It was awful because I then had to shower again. But this is home, not when I was out. I will warn her, just in case. I don’t think she knows that about me. I know my PCP knows, but who reads someone’s record these days?

Meh Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a meh day. I had wanted to do some stuff today before going out but that never happened. So I decided to stay in. I was so sleepy after my therapy session. I rested a couple of hours. My phone kept going off though so I really couldn’t get into a deep sleep. My cousin called to say my mother had bags but I didn’t answer it. Hell, I wasn’t going to risk a flare up of pain because he refused to go up the stairs. It wouldn’t hurt him. It would hurt me.

I then get two ‘unavailable’ phone calls. The 1st didn’t leave a message. The second call did. It was strange. It said that I was being taken to court, but couldn’t give the reason, and they would sign the documents required. Whole thing was fishy. Normally, collections don’t leave messages like that. Hell, even lawyers don’t leave messages like that! I haven’t received anything in the mail the last few weeks telling me I am being taken to court. Sure I owe money, who doesn’t. But it would be nice to know who is taking me to fucking court! Damn jerks. And besides, there has been no summons in my mailbox telling me I have to be in court. They didn’t identify themselves in the call so I am just going to ignore it.

I have been so sleepy today that I didn’t make coffee. I haven’t done nothing I was going to do today. Though, I still might take a shower tonight. So much for editing my book. I know it will get done. It’s only 42 pages. It’s not overwhelming me, yet. Once it does, I will hire an editor. I was going to hire the same one but she never answered my question about time frames so I don’t think I am going back to her. I became friends with her on FB and all she writes is that she is “busting her butt with all this work”. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s tiring. Last time I tried working with her, it took 4 months after my last payment to her to work on my book.

I had therapy. I wish it went well, but it didn’t. She kept on going off about my sister interfering with my telling my mother about my TG issues and how I want to be named. I told my therapist, I wasn’t going to pursue the matter. And half way through session, I just wanted to get off the phone with her. I don’t even want to talk to her tomorrow, but it’s too late to cancel. I usually like talking with my therapist but sometimes I get into these moods where I don’t want to talk at all, to anyone. My therapist calls it the “fuck its”. She also wants to know my psychiatrist’s input on what I have been sending her. I really don’t care and its not like she (pdoc) is going to tell me. If she wants to find out, why doesn’t she call her? I don’t understand why I have to be the middle man. I don’t see my pdoc until next week anyways. I could be in a worse mood by then.

I have been following a bipolar Twitter account. It asks questions about how to manage certain symptoms of bipolar and the like. I was reading I think yesterday how one person wrote 50,000 words in one night because s/he was manic. I’m lucky to write a thousand in one of my extreme moods. If I get going, I can easily write at least two thousand, but I have never written more than an hour or two, and certainly, not all night. Some people go by pages. My writing partner does that. I don’t know how many words are in those pages but she gets them done. I have to try and start putting myself on a schedule if I want this book to happen. But it’s so hard to write when you are not in the mood and can’t think of anything to say. My blogs are easier because it’s just a telling of how my day went, my online journal. Sure when I am piped up on something, my writing goes on and on, but for the most part, I try to keep it within three pages. Only my papers on suicide are longer than that.

Sox are winning so far at the bottom of the 7th inning. Last night they lost again. I can’t say that I was disappointed. I expected them to lose. If you expect a loss, you can’t be disappointed, right?

Rainy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I went to bed pretty late last night despite going to sleep at an early hour. I woke up around 2300 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up but I had to pee and that is how I got my second wind.

It’s raining so I don’t feel like walking to the Post Office to mail my therapist’s letter. I also don’t feel like going out to get a Father’s day gift. I can do that tomorrow. I really have been bored the last few hours. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of clearing off my bureau so it’s not so cluttered but fear a domino effect will happen once I start moving stuff. Maybe I will just take all the pens that have accumulated and place them in a box. I am a pen hoarder. I will admit to that.

I never finished reading that chapter in Dostoevsky. I just haven’t been in the mood to read. So I am just listening to my music. I need the music to keep my brain from going mush. I am really tired and want a nap but it’s close to dinner time and I know my mother is going to be calling soon. If she doesn’t, I plan on making some tater tots for supper. It is my go to when I don’t want anything else to eat.

My mood has been okay today. I have neither been up or down. I just have been too bored to really feel anything. I made the phone calls that I needed to make this morning when I got up. I really am having a lazy day. But then, most of my days are lazy. I just stay in my room and play on the laptop for most of the day, doing nothing. I really want to work on my book, but I don’t want to do it at home. I rather work on it at Starbucks where I won’t be so distracted by the internet. I just can’t seem to focus like I used to. It all depends on the mood I am and if I have a clear head. If I am depressed or feeling “meh”, I just don’t do as well as if I was clearheaded and not so depressed. I still have the “why bothers” creeping around because my suicidality lurks. It’s extremely difficult to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. I guess to try and psych myself up, I went ahead and put in the title of the book and got the ISBN number. It’s the number given to all books as sort of a library code or something. I have no idea what “ISBN” stands for. Probably International System of Book Numbers, for all I know. There are two numbers you are given, ISBN and a ISBN-10. I don’t know what the difference means. I knew the Dewey decimal system way back in high school as I used to spend time with the librarian. She was a sweet lady, who believed in me. Always told everyone that I was going to be the first doctor out of my high school. I guess now, I would be a disappointment to her. But I bet I am the first person out of the school to publish a book!

I hope the rain causes tonight’s game to be postponed. The Sox have been playing so shitty, I can’t bear to listen to the game anymore. Yesterday in the abysmal loss, two fans rushed the field, causing a delay of game. I don’t know why anyone would do that when the game is a loss. Course, I don’t know why they would do it if they were winning, either. I guess because people are morons. I get that the fans are unhappy. They pay a lot of money to go to the home games and when you lose, it’s like you are losing your money. The Sox have had more loss streaks than any other team in the AL. Tonight we are supposed to play the Braves. Maybe if I root for them, my home team will win.