Tag: blog

very early morning thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Since coming back home, my computer is running really slow. I don’t know if it’s the internet connection or the browser. I plan on shutting off the router and turning it back on to see if that helps any but my legs are too sore to stand on at the moment. It’s 0330 in the morning. I woke up with a dryness in my throat and now my legs have decided they want to hurt. I feel a Charlie horse coming on in my left leg but it hasn’t occurred yet.

I have been using my phone, so I think the problem is with the browser and not the internet connection. My phone has been able to connect to the internet without a problem using the same internet connect as my laptop. I don’t know. It’s just annoying because everything is slow to download. I had to have three tried to get my blog to load earlier, and I wonder how long it is going to take this time around. I just don’t know why things are slow to download. I restarted my laptop to see if that helped and that seemed to make matters worse. I just don’t get it.

Walking is going to be difficult today. But I have no choice but to do it because I need to run the weekly errand to my father. I just got word that his sister is not doing too good. She is in the hospital after a series of falls with a broken hip and several cracked ribs. She needs surgery but they need to get her blood levels stabilized. She is not exactly in the best of health but then she is 92. I hope she pulls out of this ok but she is going to need round the clock nursing care when she gets home. I don’t know if that means she will be in nursing home or not. I am very sad about this because she is my Godmother and she is special to me. I hope she can make it out of surgery okay. That will be the biggest hurdle. I know he is going to want to visit her and I hope he doesn’t hound me to hound my cousin to get information when I see him later today. My cousin was hoping to get her transferred to a better hospital where all her care has been given up to this point. I just am really worried.

I have therapy this morning so that will be good. We probably will be talking about the blog that I sent her about the troll. Then I know we will be talking about my appt with my pdoc. I got my medication that I needed. I would have run out today. I didn’t realize I was cutting it so close. I usually am good about getting my meds refilled before I run out, but sometimes I forget.

Sometime later this morning, I need to take a shower. I am not sure if I am going to wash my hair or not as it has become so dry you can use it as kindle for a fire. I had been using a two in one shampoo/conditioner but that doesn’t seem to help. So hasn’t the head and shoulders dry scalp formula. It gets really itchy because it is so dry. I’m going to have to ask my cousin, who is a hairdresser, what to use. I hope I don’t have to get anything fancy. That will just suck. And I got short hair so I don’t get why I get dryness. I wash it every other day as that is my shower schedule. I just don’t understand it. Maybe I need to get a conditioner that isn’t a combo. The reason I have been putting it off is because that means more time in the shower and sometimes my back and/or leg are not up to the task. Standing for more than ten minutes causes me pain so I try to get in and out as quickly as I can.

Matchbox 20 Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Matchbox 20 Mood

Past two days I have been listening to Matchbox 20. I don’t know why but I find Rob Thomas’s voice soothing. Today I added 3 Doors Down to the playlist but the shuffle hasn’t made it there yet.

I did a lot of walking today. My calves and feet are killing me. I didn’t think I would have spoons to make dinner but I managed only to get a cramp in my bad foot. I really wanted to shower but I also had to eat something because I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I wanted to make a burrito this morning but had a severe bout of nausea so held off. I have been nauseous most of the day. I think I am getting a migraine but so far, no headache. Now that I had some food in me, I can relax a little bit more. If the soreness of my legs dissipates, I might try for a shower, though I would really love a warm bath. But I don’t have a bathtub, just a shower stall.

I saw my pdoc. I hate late afternoon appointments. I rather have early afternoon so that the day goes by quicker. I spent two hours in Starbucks just waiting for time to pass by so I could go to the appointment. I had an errand to run before hand and that is where I lost most of my spoons. It was a long walk to where I had to go because I got off on the wrong street. I was familiar with the area but they had changed so much since I last went there that I kind of lost my bearings. I ended up where I had to be though, a few blocks later. I am lucky the blocks are shorter than where I live.

The appointment went well. We talked about the Times article and she was beaming. She really liked me being published. Then she brought up what I was going to do next. Always got to be a next. I don’t think there is going to be, not for a while. I want to finish the book I am working on and get that published sometime next year. I can’t believe I am saying “next year”. I find it weird looking to the future when you are not suicidal. Course that can change in a day or two, at this point. I have had my moments the past few days. I told her there is no way I want to be famous for anything. The pressure is just too great and people are so mean. Just look at what is happening with the boy who built a clock for a science experiment. And the backlash the president is getting for it. I don’t want that, it will kill me. I’ll just have my blog and be happy with that, even if I do have to deal with one or two trolls that come along.

I got a new FB friend request today and I didn’t know the person at all. I panicked for a few minutes until I was able to see the profile pic and realized it was a bot. Haven’t had one of those in a while. This bot was friends with one of my other friends so must have picked up through the “people you may know” connection.

It’s going to be an early night. I don’t think I am going to watch or listen to the game. Last night they went to extra innings and I stayed up till the end. Then I couldn’t sleep because they lost the game. I was so mad.

Relieved

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Relieved

I emailed the editor that I have been in contact with for the New York Times piece to see if he can remove the inappropriate comments that were posted. He agreed with me and apologized. Hopefully they will be removed sometime today. I am so relieved, I feel like crying. The whole experience has me guessing who my friends are. I unfriended a few “long time” friends as they rarely like or say anything on my posts, at all. And the person I thought was “IamBoston” has definitely been unfriended.

I had therapy today. All we did was talk about how the comments were troubling me, from being diagnosed to inappropriate diagnoses, to my therapist being picked on. Then to get the same kind of comments on Twitter. It was like I couldn’t get away from someone’s criticism. It was very stressful. But thankfully it looks like the comments have slowed or stopped. I just hope they have a new article so my article isn’t the first one people see when they go to that section. I still am trying my best to revel in the joy of having this published in the NYT but the depression has kicked in and made it impossible to. I feel proud about this accomplishment. Never in my life would I have thought it possible to be in the NYT or any newspaper for that matter. I thought about calling my home town paper to tell them, but I don’t want to go through what I just went through. I really don’t want an interview of any sort. So I didn’t call. I think my manic tendencies were pushing those thoughts. Now that those have abated and I am in a depressed state. I am thinking a little clearer and rationally. But I got to wonder if my hypomanic tendency was the push I needed to get my piece published in the NYT. If that is the case, then my episode lasted longer than I thought it did. Today I am not feeling so sluggish, though I did wake up very early a couple of times during the night. I seemed to wake up, turn the laptop on, stay on for a half hour or so and then go back to sleep. This went on several times during the night. I finally woke up around 0600 and stayed up enough to have a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep and would have slept through till 1100 but my fricken mother kept calling me, waking me up from my slumber. She wanted me to put the chicken she was defrosting in the fridge. Like she couldn’t leave a damn message with that information! That is why people have things called voicemail. UGH. I told her I wasn’t going out. Then when she sees me after I had my therapy appointment, she says “You’re home”? I swear she doesn’t listen at all. Pisses me off.

So my interrupted sleep was further interrupted by a deaf mother who doesn’t know how voicemails work. I just had coffee so I am a little energized. And I checked the comments from the NYT. They have been removed. I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. And hopefully, I have seen the last of the other troll on my blog. She sent me what I hope is her last message. Now I hope I just have good comments that are constructive criticism and not negative. Someone that keeps their name hidden and provides inaccurate contact information, to me is a troll. I could never respond to this person because of the incorrect information she provided. I guess it is better that way, because who knows what other crap she might come up with.

The hardest part about all this is that I have neglected my reading because my concentration has not been so great. I was reading a book about bipolar disorder last night and I really had no idea what I read by the time I finished the chapter. I know they were talking about ECT and how successful it can be, but other than that, I don’t remember too much else. I know they did talk about TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation), but again, I don’t remember specifics. I know TMS just got approved by the FDA for the treatment of depression recently, but I don’t know if it is approved for bipolar depression as well. I also don’t know if it is covered by insurance. I have been tracking this treatment for a while but getting into a study has been difficult because you can’t be on medication. I don’t know if that requirement has changed. When I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I will ask her about it. It is something I have been wanting to talk to her about for a while now but never had the nerve to bring up. We always seem to ride out the depressions but I am wondering if something can now be done rather than waiting for it to pass. No medication seems to work for my depressions and my mood stabilizer just seems to keep the psychache at bay more than anything.

Depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a rough day. All I want to do is sleep. I managed to make some breakfast and eat a couple of cupcakes for lunch. I really just want to sleep today but I had to pick up my prescription before it got “recycled” at the pharmacy. They give you three days to pick up the meds. Any longer than that, it gets reshuffled into the stock pile. Today was day number three so I had to get it.

My sister texted me to pick up my niece tomorrow evening. I hope this sleepiness is gone by then. I need the energy to walk to the school and back. I hope it’s cool like today.

I texted my therapist to see if there was an opening and doesn’t appear to be. So I am stuck with talking with her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep Wed’s session or not. I am guessing it all depends on when my cake pops will be ready to be picked up. I am getting them as a thank you to my psych.

I feel really tired. My thoughts are slow. I can’t seem to focus on anything. My appetite is off. I think I am depressed. I really want to read Harry Potter but I can’t concentrate. I am not even close to being half way finished. I hate being in the middle of a book. But things have been so crazy the past two weeks. I am still in awe that I got published in the New York Times. My mother still hasn’t said anything about it. But my sisters have. They are so happy for me. My younger sister bought me champagne the other night. We still haven’t celebrated because I have been in this funk. There has been a bright side. I have sold nine books so far, five from Kindle and four paperbacks. I haven’t gotten any reviews yet. We’ll have to wait for that.

Oh dear god, they are starting a “say no to suicide” campaign. Like that is really going to work. I know it worked for drugs, but suicide is a different thing. It’s deeply personal. Because saying no, always worked for me. NOT! I don’t know who comes up with these things. It’s horrible. And they are doing this to stop stigma. Well you just added stigma to your stupid campaign. How are people going to talk about it if you just “say no”? It really bothers me. Most people in the prevention campaign have been open to talking about suicide, not shutting it down and certainly by not saying “no”. To me, if someone is seeking help and all they hear is the word no, then it further breaks down the lines of communication and there might be a suicide.

I’ve been in a lot of pain today for some reason. My big toe starting zapping early this morning and it is still sore. The lump I have on my good ankle is sore. I just took an NSAID and a pain pill to calm things down. I think the weather change has brought about this pain. My bad ankle is also throbbing, but then, it always is. I have been lucky the past week my pain has been minimal. But now it’s starting to ramp up again. Like I said earlier, other than going to Walgreens, I mostly have been in bed all day. I haven’t even been up and down the stairs that much. Hope it settles down because I have things to do this week and I need to be able to walk.