Tag: blog

Game Day Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Game Day Sunday

My football team won. Baseball team won. I just finished with a shower at halftime and my damn foot got zaps in it. I am in some serious pain but I just took a pain pill so hopefully that will take care of it. If not, in an hour I will take another one. I hate nerve pain. I can’t do anything about the zaps. I never know when they will occur and they come out of the blue. I never know when they will stop either. The longer they last, the deeper the pain is. Drives me insane.

Been in a depressed mood since I woke up this morning after a couple of weird dreams. The only one I can recall is walking toward a destination and getting lost. I was in the right vicinity of where I needed to be but kept on making wrong turns and had to back track. Then it got dark as I was walking back so I woke up. No idea what that dream is about. Probably just about getting lost. Or perhaps, feeling lost. I wanted to do some writing today before the game, but I got distracted. I wrote in my journal for about 45 mins before game time and that was the only writing I did. I feel like I should work on my manic story but not sure where to go with it. It’s not even 500 words so I really need to write more. I would like to describe the scene a little more, like where I was and such but don’t know where to put that in. Maybe a different paragraph. I know that if I write it out by hand, it will be better than typing it up on the word doc. I tend to write better with the pen and paper. I don’t lose my attention so fast when I make a mistake.

I woke up thinking today was Monday. This is the second time that I have thought this after having a rough night sleeping. Last week, I thought Saturday was Sunday all day. I swear if I don’t wear a watch, I just lose my sense of time. If I have the watch on, I don’t lose the time, if that makes sense. I know I have my phone but I don’t really pay attention to the date as well as I do with a watch. But since I no longer work or go out every day, wearing a watch has become inconsistent.

I hate this feeling of depression that I have been feeling all day. Watching both games distracted me from it for a little while but now the games are over and I have a long night ahead of me. I don’t know what to do with myself and that further depresses me. I have things I can read but I just can’t stay focused like I used to. I’ll read for about 20-30 minutes and then be done. I still haven’t finished reading “Order of the Phoenix” because my concentration is off. I lost interest in reading, so it’s hard to read. Things were all well and good when I was hypo but now that I am depressed, I find things to be so hard. My thinking has been a lot slower. I don’t have that much of an appetite lately. I have been sleeping more as I just been so tired. I am not really motivated to do anything. It just stinks.

Random 230

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am feeling sad and relieved at the moment. A little girl was found on the beach, dead, nearly three months ago. The lab people came up with a computer generated picture of her but no one stepped forward. Finally a lead came through and today the baby was identified. DNA testing is happening to make sure it is the baby. She was just 2.5 years old. I don’t know how the mother can live with herself knowing her baby was dead and that she didn’t do anything to come forward with answers. There were no active cases against the mother in the child protective services, so she didn’t fall through the cracks. The full report of how she died is not going to be made public until Monday, but they are saying murder. Just really sad. I hope we can give rest to this innocent child now.

I slept most of the day. I was really tired as I woke up at 0230 and then again at 4. I took some pain pills and then went back to sleep. My ankle doesn’t want to move, at all. It started when my mother asked me to make dinner. I can’t believe I have rested it all day and it didn’t want to move to make dinner. Pissed me off. My mother is not feeling good for some reason. I think the heat is finally getting to her.

Sox are playing tonight in Toronto. Should be an interesting game. We took the series from them last time. Got word that the OSU game is on at 1530 tomorrow. Trouble is, I don’t know which station. I hope it’s on ABC as I don’t like ESPN. My luck it will be on ESPN. Only two weeks left of regular season baseball. I am going to miss it and then go into a baseball depression. Happens every year. My mood doesn’t get better until spring training.

My aunt is doing better but still not out of the woods. I talked with my cousin last night and she gave me an update. She is going to be in the hospital for a little while until they can get her stabilized. I don’t know if this means going to a nursing home afterwards or what. She is 92. I hope she gets well soon.

Last night I had to take some trilafon because I kept on hearing music even when it wasn’t playing. Songs were just loud inside my head. If I played my MP3 player, it stopped for a little while but soon as I turned it off, the music would start playing again. Then the voices would start, telling me to turn on the music. I emailed my psych but haven’t heard back. I had a feeling I was going to become psychotic after the crazy two weeks that I have had. It was just a matter of time. I just hope I have caught it early enough not to disrupt things. It is making me question the dose I am on for the abilify and if it is still useful to me. Because if it isn’t helping with these kind of psychotic symptoms, why am I taking it? Maybe I need to be on a higher dose of the medication. I see my pdoc in two weeks and if I am not better then, I will bring it up. Or I might end up in the hospital. Who knows?

Suicidal vs Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Suicidal vs. Suicide

I got this from a fellow blogger. I somewhat corrected it so it wasn’t a run on sentence. But it’s mostly the author’s words. Original had “committed suicide” instead of “dying by suicide” which is important to recognize. That is the only words I changed.

“When someone ends up dying by suicide, everyone is there, they feel bad, they say they didn’t “see the signs”. They talk about how amazing you were and so forth. But if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different. No one wants to solve the problem, matter of fact, half the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you won’t ever “do it”, that it will just “go away”/ They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke. People do consider it as an only option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will not get you anywhere. The only place it’s going to get you is a funeral. If someone tells you they’re suicidal, don’t push them away. Instead try to be the one to keep them here.”—realadvicebro.tumblr.com

Finally, a diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a diagnosis…

Since we have been talking about all the different personality disorders that I have been given the past two weeks, I decided to ask my therapist what I have. I must have one, surely. Turns out I don’t. I might have traits of borderline but I don’t fit the diagnosis. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I kind of figured I did as my symptoms do fit. Now that I know this, I am kind of relieved but also kind of not. It’s a serious diagnosis, one you don’t really recover fully from and I have been in a steady state for the last fourteen years. Some days are better than others, but pain seems to dictate my symptoms. For example, if I can’t move my toes because of temporary swelling, I will freak out and panic thinking I am going to get cauda equina syndrome (CES) again. I am in a quandary as to what to do. And calming down is extremely difficult. It makes the pain worse the more anxious I become. The swelling just happens because I have nerve damage and usually have overdone it for the day. My foot is constantly being used so the more I use it, the more pain I have, which lead me to more symptoms of flashbacks and thinking of not wanting to go there. I don’t want to have CES ever again but I have a few discs that are faulty and I am at risk of it happening, especially since one of the discs touches my nerves occasionally. I also have a constant reminder of this condition whenever my bladder leaks, which is has the past three days because of my increase in activity levels. It’s not fun. I should be wearing a diaper but my dignity is not there yet. Plus, it has been super hot and I really don’t want to wear a diaper when I am hot and sweaty.

Besides flashbacks, I also dissociate a lot when my depression is really bad. It is not clear whether I do have dissociative identity disorder, NOS or if it is a symptom of PTSD. Or it could be both. I do give my therapist a run for her money. I don’t know the whole symptomatology of the PTSD as it has been a LONG while since I last looked at the DSM and the DSM has changed so I am not sure if it is now included or not.

I think the stress over the last two weeks have finally caught up with me as I am having psychotic symptoms. I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I have been listening to Matchbox 20 incessantly. When I am not listening to it, the music is playing in my head, very loud. I tried listening to Adele to break the monotony but it didn’t work. The voices were demanding that I play MB20. So I am back to listening to them day and night. I plan on taking some trilafon soon. I will have to take some extra stuff for the constipation that will ensue. I hate being constipated but luckily there are things I can take to make me go. Otherwise, it could be days before I go. I have to be careful with my bowel regimen because too much and I have the opposite problem, which lead to accidents. I hate them more than my bladder leaks. It’s just degrading and demoralizing. It will also set off the reminder that I had CES and I will become depressed and feel despair. It’s the one thing I can’t control, like my bladder. And it sucks.