Tag: blog

Ramblings 83

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just saw that Microsoft Office has just released Office 2016. I am still using Office 2010. It suits me just fine. I only use word. I hardly use the other applications though I will use Excel from time to time. I miss having to make worksheets like I used to in my job. I didn’t know anything about Excel until I started working for research. Now I am good at it. I can’t say I am a pro because I have forgotten a lot of the functions I used to know. I would have to use Excel for Dummies to remember how to make graphs and such. My niece tried to get me Office 2013 but it didn’t work because of the user limit. I don’t think I will get 2016 as I have some software that might not be compatible with it, like my bibliography program. I need to have use of my Endnote even though I don’t use it much anymore. I had to get the upgrade to it while I was on disability because it just wasn’t compatible with Win 8 when I got my new laptop. Course that was three years ago. I am sure a newer version is out but as long as the old version still works, I am sticking with it!

I had the same day as I did yesterday. I didn’t go out. I had therapy though. We talked about the psychosis that I experienced last week and voiced my concern that my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital. I am still trying to get things under control by not getting stressed out and now that the NYT thing has slowed down, things are a bit calmer. I just wish I could write. I think I really need to get to Starbucks with a notepad tomorrow and just write something. I will be having dinner with friends tomorrow evening so I will be at the train station for a few hours. That will be time to have a coffee and write. I always get there early so I can get tickets early enough and find a place to sit. I usually just play on my phone but I will take my notepad and see what I can come up with.

All I had today was a coffee and a bacon and cheese sandwich. My stomach is killing me and I don’t know why. I am on stomach pills that are meant to prevent gastritis pains that I am experiencing. I just don’t get it. Maybe the orange juice didn’t help matters? I don’t think I will be eating anything else, least not for the next few hours. My mother is making hot dogs and potatoes. I don’t think I can handle anything else fried.

I talked to my friend that lives in Texas today. She is so goofy. She is a soon to be psychologist, once she finishes her dissertation. I thought it was done but I guess her advisor wanted changes. She is not happy that she missed graduation because of this. I don’t blame her. I would be mad too. She is a good friend of mine that I met when she came to Boston in 2008 for the annual AAS conference. It was the first time I presented a poster for the organization. It was such a great experience. I will never forget it. It truly made me see my calling in the suicide field. I feel bad that I never finished my degree because of my stupid illness. I had a melt down at the end of that year and never recovered. School is just too stressful when you are working full-time. I give credit to those that can do both. I wish I could go back but I just can’t afford it. Tuition is just ridiculous. Plus, I doubt my grades would want me back to school. I probably would have to go to another school and I had my heart set for UMB and still do. I just need to win the lottery.

I want to thank my readers! I reached 49,000 views on my blog today. I am a number nerd so I keep track of my stats daily. So thank you all for reading. I started this blog just as a way to publish my research articles and vent my feelings about being suicidal. I also use it to write about suicide research and my thoughts about it. It keeps me busy as I take a little time every day to write. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this blog. Probably filling up more journals than I could count.

Random 567

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thought I would write a little bit. I am feeling awake but I took my night meds so I hope that I get sleepy soon. I really don’t want to be up most of the night like I was last night. I had slept around 0100 till 0800, which is pretty good for me. I just wish I didn’t wake up in pain. I also took my pain meds with my night meds so I am hoping I will be toast soon. But it takes a while for these meds to work.

Sox came back only for Ogando to give the lead back to the Rays. I hate this pitcher. He always screws up. I hope they get rid of him. I started off listening to the game but after they gave up three runs in the top of the first, I kind of lost interest. I took a very long Facebook movie quiz that took about a half hour to complete. It was like 99 questions about scenes in the movies. I did ok. I got 86 of 99 so not bad. I didn’t think I would get any right as I am not a movie person.

Some people have been asking me about the hospital and I finally read the blog that dealt with it. Seeing as my psychosis has been unstable, I might have to go in to get stabilized. But I am doing better so I don’t think that will be the case. I guess I wasn’t too clear in the blog what I was thinking. It made sense to me when I read it but apparently it wasn’t to everyone else.

I started journaling again. I am almost done with the journal and will need to get another one soon. I bought a few a couple of months ago. Now I just have to decide which one to go with. As I was writing last night, I was thinking of turning it into a blog. Sometimes I write and think it’s good writing and then type it up. But I hate typing up what I write because reading my handwriting is bad. I hate trying to decipher what I wrote like it’s a code or something.

I got a letter from my LTD insurance. They want me to call to give them an update on my condition. I am the same. I still have pain. I can’t stand too long. I can’t walk too much or for long distances. Even though I have been taking less pain medication, I still need it, especially at night when it will flare up out of the blue. Tonight it happen around 2020. I didn’t do anything except move my ankle just a little bit and boom, it flared up. There is no way I can work second shift like I used to. My dream job of being a barista is out because I can’t stand long. Office work is out because my leg swells up after about four hours of sitting. So I guess I am still disabled. And it sucks. So the restrictions that I had before are still in force. They haven’t changed despite me being basically on bed rest these past three years. I don’t know how they can say I have tendonitis still. It should have gotten better by now with all the resting I have done. Granted I am no longer using an AFO anymore, but that is the only improvement that I have. I still have weakness and fatigue if I do the things that normal people can do, like walk several blocks and stand more than twenty minutes. That is the physical part. The mental part, I still can’t work because if I get stressed, I become psychotic. I get delusional and paranoid. Then the bad voices start and I am back in the hospital. It’s been more than a year since I have been in the hospital for psych reasons. There have been a few times in the past few months that I should have been in, but I avoided it like the plague. I know my psychiatrist is wanting me to go in. She said as much the last email I sent her. But I refuse because of the responsibility I have with my father. I know my sisters could probably do his meds, but they will need to talk to me and if I am on a unit that doesn’t allow the use of cell phones, what am I going to do? Plus, my sister needs me as the back up babysitter for my niece. So I just avoid the hospital unless I am really whacked and have no other choice or because I am imminently going to kill myself, which isn’t going to happen. There is a chance my psychosis is getting out of hand but I will work things out with my sister for my father if that happens. She is understanding of my illness, even though we don’t talk about it. It will be extremely hard to do because I hate going in the hospital as all they do is drug you up more than talk with you. But when you are psychotic, meds are sometimes better than talk. I just hope the stress of talking with my insurance company doesn’t cause a psychotic break as I already had a few psychotic episodes in the past few weeks. I still am hearing music when there is no music playing. And my normal voices have been “louder” than they have been before. They are also more demanding to be spoken to. I just hope the extra trilafon helps ease this episode away. I really don’t want to be drugged up and taking a million pills because their pharmacy doesn’t have the dose pills that I take. Last time I was in the hospital, I had to take 4 pills for my blood pressure medicine because they didn’t have a 40 mg tablet. It sucked. I felt like I was at the med window forever taking more than a handful of pills. It sucked worse than being in the hospital!

feeling really tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling really tired

I had a good sleep but after breakfast, I went back to sleep because I was feeling really tired. When I woke up, I decided to make some coffee and now feel like I can go back to sleep. I don’t know why I am so exhausted. I haven’t done anything except retweet some zero suicide tweets today. There is some convention going on in Atlanta about this. I don’t necessarily agree with this movement because I feel people should be able to make a decision about their lives the way they should but if they are asking for help, I believe the providers should do all they can to help them. Like any provider should. For the first time, this movement has received funding so we’ll see how it plays out. It’s the people that are suicidal that don’t reach out I worry most about. Or who reach out after they have attempted. But I understand. Sometimes you have to do drastic measures to be believed there is something wrong. I was a straight A student, well liked. I didn’t think anyone would believe that I had problems at home. I was adjusting well in school. I didn’t make problems, yet I desperately wanted to kill myself. I felt like if I talked to someone about my problems, no one would believe me. So one night when my father flipped out for the hundredth time in as many days, I tried taking my life. When a good friend at school noticed the marks on my wrist, she told a teacher. That teacher talked with me and I was extremely nervous. Bottom line was she took me to the nurse and I got the help I needed. I didn’t want it at first, but the school nurse helped me to see that I needed to talk with someone. It wasn’t easy reaching out for help when I had so many things at home stacked against me. So I can see someone who is in need, not wanting to seek help for fear of being turned down.

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist today but she doesn’t have any openings unless someone cancels. Oh well. I guess I will be okay until tomorrow. I was talking with a fellow blog reader and it helped to vent to her about what has been going on. Though she seems to think I will be needing the hospital and I don’t know why that is. I guess I will have to read over my blogs and figure it out. I don’t always remember what I write about.

It’s a cool day today, the first time in weeks that it’s been below 70. I should take advantage and mail the letter that I need to mail. But I can do it tomorrow. I really don’t feel like getting dressed for a piece of mail. Besides, with the zaps that I had last night, my foot is still sore. I had taken some pain meds this morning because the pain was really bad. I guess that could explain why I feel so tired. It’s weird that during the day I feel tired from them, but at night, I don’t.

I had some more pages from my book read. It’s almost a 1000 pages for this Kindle shared thingy. I guess people might read a few pages and then decide if they want to continue it or not? I am not sure how it works. There is a little blurb about it on the reports page but it all gibberish to me. I don’t understand it. But I did have six books sold via Kindle. It’s the most sales I have had in a while. I also had four paperbacks sold. So I am very pleased. It was totally unexpected that the NYT would say that I was an author. I just wish I could have finished my other book that I have in the works but it’s slow going. I really want the book to be at least 200 pages but I am not even a quarter of the way there yet. I know I will get there, I am just waiting for the writing itch to start up again.

Wow, I made the coffee stronger than I thought it would be. I am hyped up now, ready for anything. Just wish my foot felt that way. Would be nice to go for a walk. I just wish my neighborhood wasn’t so hilly. It really takes it out of you when your foot/ankle is not 100%. It would be easier to walk on flat surfaces like the next town over but I would have to take the bus and train to get there and I know my coffee high would wear off by then. I hope I get paid this month from my LTD insurance. It would be nice to have one more payment from them so I can get caught up in a few more bills.

Death Dates

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Death dates

Whenever I am suicidal, I pick a date that I want to kill myself on. Then if I don’t want to die on that day, I don’t have to go through with it. So far, I am still alive. It was a close call my last date because I wanted to die very badly. I had enough of living and figured it was the only way out of the situation I was in. But my therapist and psychiatrist got me through it. I felt cheated and angry they stopped me. The only thing that got me through was picking another date. This time it is almost a month a way from now. It is how I manage being intensely suicidal. Trouble is, I am not feeling terribly suicidal at this time. Suicide is furthest from my mind, yet I have this date in mind and I am thinking about going through with it anyway just so I don’t have to suffer anymore pain like I have tonight.

My therapist knows about this date but my psychiatrist doesn’t, least not yet. I don’t know if I am going to remind either of them of this plan. I don’t even know how I am going to die. Sure, I have a few ideas but I am not going to do them in my room where a family member will find me. No, I want to be found by a stranger some place away from home. I would love for it to be a hotel room but I don’t have the money to do the deed. How sad is that? Here I want to kill myself and I can’t basically afford to do it in a place I would like to do it in. There has been no downward circumstances to cause me to think about this date. I just wanted it to be before my birthday.

For some reason, my 9th anniversary of my cauda equina syndrome diagnosis is coming up in two weeks and it is bothering me. Normally the day passes and I don’t even notice. But I marked it on my calendar and the memories of that time period have been flooding back. I remember not being able to move my left leg at all because it was too weak. I lost a lot of strength with this surgery. I had to have a blood patch because I had a CSF leak and then I had to be operated again because a fragment of the disc was embedded in my nerve root causing me these problems. It was not a fun time. I then got a nice UTI that made me sick. The antibiotics made me sicker and then they discharged me only for me to come back to the ER the next day for fluids as I was shitting my brains out. I was very sick. But that surgery and the rehab afterwards failed to notice my current problem and that is why I am disabled today. That is why I have pain every day of my life for the past three years. That is why I cannot walk more than a few blocks at a time. My walking distance is 0.4 miles which isn’t much considering that I was once able to walk 20 miles without a problem. Sure I was sore the next day but that was to be expected. But now I can barely walk a mile without pain. And I leak urine if I walk too much. That is something that I have no control over. This is one of the reasons why I want to end my life. I am tired of the pain, the leaks, the immobility. But that is just the physical side of things. It has nothing to do with the mental side.

The mental side I am very depressed. I see no future but lately I have been. It’s been tough to see but I think things are not as bleak as they have been in the past. Despite my physical disability, I am able to look ahead. Just yesterday, I decided on the place where my sisters and I will eat out on my birthday, should I leave this date that I have planned. Four weeks I have to decide to go through with it or not. I know my therapist and psych would rather I not talk about this. Perhaps, they might not want to know about it. I just think that if I want to die, the decision should be left up to me and not my treaters. Sure they have the legal right to hospitalize me against my will but that will not stop the thoughts or planning. Am I a danger to myself? Not today. Will I soon? I don’t know. Depends on a few things.